Relationship " It Has Nothing To Do With You" But Yet It Really Does

[Nicolette]

I find I cope pretty well with PTSD for the most part of the time but my pet peeve is being told "it's not my problem". In my opinion 'it is my problem' when it affects my life, my surroundings and my emotional well being.

PTSD is cruel, it often picks the nicest of people and I get it's not their fault nor do they mean it. Yes they can learn to manage it for the better part but there are those things which creep up and knock them over. I can live with that.

What sucks however are the down times when the reaction to a sequence of events leave you sitting alone, feeling like an imposter in your own home and scratching your head trying to work out why and what you did wrong.

I get the PTSD meltdowns when things go pear shaped and I can weather those pretty well most of the time.

What I struggle most with is when you do something really nice, your sufferer has an awesome time and then the meltdown occurs making you wonder "why do I even bother doing nice things when the result leaves me feeling like the enemy and all alone? Is it really worth doing something special when this is the end result?".

This illness has very few answers but this is the one thing I would most like a solution to as we all need happiness and good times in our lives - it just shouldn't be at such a cost.:poop:

 

[The Albatross]

I can hear my partner's frustration in your post. I was with you until the last bit, "This illness has very few answers but this is the one thing I would most like a solution to as we all need happiness and good times in our lives - it just shouldn't be at such a cost."

To me it is often the knowledge of where I'm falling short on someone else's expectations, that inhibits my ability to feel genuine happiness. Even though it's getting better, my spouse interprets my "emotional flatness" as negativity. I go through this and so does my husband. I prefer peace, calm and happy. But he gets really frustrated when he realizes that there's not very much he can really to to affect my mental state at times. I get frustrated when I see him try to dial in a combination, trying to get whatever he wants/desires without more directly communicating with me. It can backfire at times because I have an adverse reaction to feeling or thinking I'm being maniuplated. I'm not a vending machine, he puts the coins in and punches some buttons, and sometimes it's okay but at other times the "wrong" thing comes out. Conversely, I get a bit keyed up when he pushes buttons, and expects me to be something other than what I am, in that moment. Sometimes I can be happy, though it doesn't seem to be expressed the way he would like me to show it. Sometimes, I have negative reactions, most often because I get twisted up about his tendency to ignore my expressed needs/wants/desires... and go on his own and actualize something else.

I woke up with nightmares this morning, and we just had part of this conversation at 4:30 this morning. I got frustrated with him and told him to get out. I told him, I understand he is frustrated at times, but what I'm going through isn't going to get better when I am vulnerable and he takes the opportunity to heap his frustration on me like hot coals over my head. We took a time out, were able to sit down and actually talk more about therapy, PTSD, and I think it's gonna be okay for a while now. But though I'm a reliable partner in other areas, he is frustrated that I am emotionally unavailable for him at times, that he can't fix me, and he views this as abandonment.

I get that my behavior affects his environment and his emotional well being. I do though know that he has a choice that I do not have. He can choose to stay with me through this if he wants to. Whether he leaves or not, I will still have the traumas, depression, nighmares, panic attacks, stress, anxiety, and PTSD. I view this battle as independent of my relationship with him and am as honest and candid as I can be. But in my case, my spouse was the cause of my last traumatic break and the inconsistencies and expectations at times affect my ability to be at ease because of an undermined ability to trust and be safe and secure. I told him that whatever he chooses, I will have to deal with the PTSD. He acknowledged that since coming to the forum and resuming therapy he can see improvement. Sometimes I wished he was less reliant on me for his emotional support, he relies on me heavily for his own sense of self worth.

Most likely, too much information on your thread. I just roll it out because that's what happened with us this morning. Thank you so much for your candid expression and I'm learning a lot about what my husband has been facing by reading your posts.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I had a sponsor/mentor who once told me that "pet peeves" are hurts we like to nurse. I try not to give energy to those and examine my perspectives when I find them.

 

[The Albatross]

Geeze Nicolette, I hope that there is something helpful in my post. I think that the "shoulds" are a dangerous place for me and my spouse at the moment. I can't go there, and I wish he wouldn't.

 

[anni]

I just tried to post something and acheived what my 12 year old would call an epic failure, now cannot remember what I wrote.

I'm not a supporter or carer, but just wished to say that I suppose it doesn't matter if one can reason your way around why you've been hurt in some way, the bottom line would be that you're hurt and it feels awful. I'm sorry the pile of dreck emoticon is so significant for the entire PTSD experience in relationships sometimes. I hope there's a better one to signify some healing for you soon with what you're feeling. I just looked but can't figure out one which is indicative if 'Hope'. I'll insert my own hug, if that's helpful. (((())))).

Anni

 

[jenkins123]

"Sometimes, I have negative reactions, most often because I get twisted up about his tendency to ignore my expressed needs/wants/desires... and go on his own and actualize something else."
Albatross, I'm guilty as charged!
Your above post as a sufferer was very insightful to me as a friend, thank you.

 

[The Albatross]

Your above post as a sufferer was very insightful to me as a friend, thank you.

Thank you Jenkins for being so kind.

 

[Nicolette]

As I'm on a phone now I can't type a novel but will say to The Albatross your post was more hurtful than helpful.

I have PTSD, I got married knowing my husband had PTSD (I didn't have it at the time) and due to my views/vows I dont have a choice to walk away nor do I want to. From what I read you made it sound as simple as a supporter can get out while you are stuck with a lifetime illness. Do you think we don't understand that about the illness and we don't suffer watching you suffer because we love you? You've really hit a nerve with me.

My frustration was talking about the fallout after having a 'good time' - not an expectation of a Sufferer being happy. I have no expectations other than to be treated as a decent human being.

Your comment about your argument leads me to believe you're taking my expression of frustration personally and you continue reacting in a subsequent post about the word should which I gather is a sore issue for you.

I actually was saying that both the Sufferer or Suporter deserves to have a good time. It's the fallout which I struggle with.

To be totally honest I am now even more frustrated as I get how it all works but what is wrong with wishing (in the Supporter area) that a good time could be had without bad after affects?

 

[The Albatross]

I absolutely didn't intend it that way, and I apologize Nicolette. It was not my intention to frustrate you more. I was worried that I may have done that. I do learn things about the frustrations of being a supporter from you and I appreciate your honesty.

Absolutely nothing is wrong with wishing. I know for myself, I wish that good deal of the time. Yes, a personal frustration in this area. My supporter, has not been as consistant as you have to your vow. I too feel that I don't have a choice to walk away. But I was hoping that something, would be helpful. I'm not disruptive by nature, and really, I'm so sorry to cause you more frustration.

 

[jenkins123]

Nicolette
I guess Albatross will answer but my thoughts are these: you are certainly right to be upset at having to
"scratch your head trying to work out why and what you did wrong".It's all seems to boil down to expectations, it seems. We supporters expect, rightly so to be taken into consideration, be apologised to for the meltdowns, appreciated for the good times. They the sufferers, sometimes can't handle ANY of our expectations.

When Albatross says "I view this battle as independent of my relationship with him and am as honest and candid as I can be", i think this says a lot about how some sufferers and supporters view this battle differently, and may be what frustrated you. Sufferers may often see it as "their" battle and supporters such as partners, see it as "our" battle. I think this one sentence says a whole heap about ptsd relationships.
Just my opinion.

 

[The Albatross]

I already answered Jenkins. But thanks any how. Astute of you to see that I do tend to think of it as "my battle" because I brought it with me into my marriage versus "our battle". I do tend to split hairs when overwhelmed by my partner's frustration and expressed desires for "us". Being in a committed and loving relationship of course I want to comply. I don't think there's anybody who loves someone who would want to disappoint intentionally. I don't believe it. Dug myself a big hole today and unintentionally adversely affected a very caring person. I wish I would have just shut up. Sometimes on the net, things don't come out the way I intend. No inflection, no body language, no tone. End of my participation on this thread. Really no intent to cause harm here.

 

[Kintsugi]

To be totally honest I am now even more frustrated as I get how it all works but what is wrong with wishing (in the Supporter area) that a good time could be had without bad after affects?

Hm. I read this thread over a couple of times carefully. Nicolette, you gave me a lot of insight into my partner; I know that he struggles with exactly this, particularly recently.

The fact of the matter for me at least is that when I am with my partner, I usually feel the most comfortable being myself, all of myself, and often the worst parts of myself. I think it comes from a couple of things with me. I think I feel incredibly casual, so I'm not putting on a specific face to attend to a particular event (work, class, party, conference) nor tailoring some of my personality and behaviors for certain company. I am experiencing myself more than I normally do. I think sometimes I take this as an unfair opportunity to be difficult sometimes, or to feel the down-ness I think I need to feel, or to feel the anger, or to grieve, or to brood over my fears. This last item leads me to another source, for me, of this sort of backlash. My fears. I fear abandonment so badly, and honestly some of my history with my partner in his crazier stages (manic) hasn't helped. I am constantly waiting for him to run in the other direction, and part of protecting myself in a way is being an antagonist, testing the waters, pushing limits (I try hard not to do this anymore, but it happens).

Another source is what Albatross was talking about with expectations. Frankly, I think this has NOTHING TO DO with supporters' expectations and everything to do with the expectation of sufferers that there are expectations. At least, that is my experience. I feel like if I turned to my fiance and read him this out loud he would be busting up laughing, because frankly, I do this all the time. I expect that he expects something from me and react badly.

I guess, another facet is what a good time is in the moment for the person. I know that my partner sometimes has a hard time understanding how content I am to sit in the same place for 8 hours reading various things. At the same time, I think he sometimes expects me to have a really good time when seeing a large group of our friends or having some spontaneous company come by, but this actually upsets me and makes me feel unsafe and anxious.

I hope this was helpful.