Relationship GF with PTSD broke up with me and she said it has nothing to do with our relationship

Sweetpea76

Moderator
This is a really good point because it can be so hard for us to trust our partners enough to communicate --- especially if communicating means "I have no idea what's wrong I just can't stop it!"


And even just saying “I have no idea what’s wrong and I’m upset/uncomfortable/having a moment” would count as communication. It’s better than “I love you” on Monday, then “we’re breaking up” on Tuesday. With no communication that is crazy making. That’s what half the supporters who come to this forum are trying to figure out.
 

NONE123

New Here
Nothing you do will fix anything. One person can’t make a relationship work.
Thanks, @Sweetpea76 I do really appreciate your advice, I have started my therapy and I hope soon or later I will move on.
Regards

This is a really good point because it can be so hard for us to trust our partners enough to communicate
It really is a good point, but for her well being and my well being, i have decided to go for a 30 DAYS NO CONTACT.
as she said that she is afraid that she will regret, and time is the best healer, RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FOR ONE PERSON.

“I have no idea what’s wrong and I’m upset/uncomfortable/having a moment” would count as communication. It’s better than “I love you” on Monday, then “we’re breaking up” on Tuesday.
IT'S like you are in my mind.
When she communicates about it, of course anyone would appreciate it, but they act as if there is nothing going on.
 

NONE123

New Here
But I do know that if hubby even suggested that he had a right to know what I was upset about I'd kick him to the curb and never look back.
the reason why i told her that i have the right to know what's going on is that she said that the PTSD she has nothing to do with our relationship. which means that there is other problems i needed to know to fix our relationship (to make it work)
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
the reason why i told her that i have the right to know what's going on is that she said that the PTSD she has nothing to do with our relationship. which means that there is other problems i needed to know to fix our relationship (to make it work)
Im glad you're getting a lot of answers because I didn't know how to help. But I like the points everyone's making and your answers are good. I hope the best for you!
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
the reason why i told her that i have the right to know what's going on is that she said that the PTSD she has nothing to do with our relationship. which means that there is other problems i needed to know to fix our relationship (to make it work)
which is true - sort of. That's the life of the sufferer - you have kind of seen it in play out in this thread. The minute you used the words "my right" we lost our collective minds. Wording can be so very, very powerful in the ptsd world - something as simple as a poorly (for us) worded phrase kicks in the trigger response. If the supporter isn't ready for it then it seems totally out of the blue.

I honestly don't know how the supporters do it because it's like being in a minefield and you never know what will set us off next. Because even if she says it has nothing to do with you, just having a relationship with anyone can make ptsd worse. So while it may not be a specific "thing" that she can verbalize, the pressure of having to think of a reason, when the reason is a trigger, can be impossible.

but they act as if there is nothing going on.
This is avoidance -- nothing to see here, I'm fine, except I'm losing my mind. So I'll just ignore it and pretend all is good
It's an automatic response - so it's not something controllable until after a lot of therapy, and even then it's hit and miss

And even just saying “I have no idea what’s wrong and I’m upset/uncomfortable/having a moment” would count as communication.
This. I didn't even realize this was a thing until I heard it from @Sweetpea76 and the other supporters. I've learned a tremendous amount from them about what my coping skills do to my relationship. Doesn't mean I can change it, but it was a huge eye opener that helps me see it from the other side.

I think the idea of taking a break is a good idea for both of you. It will give her some breathing space and give you a chance to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want. Not saying you should walk away -but ptsd doesn't go away so what you are seeing now will happen again. And again. And again. No matter how much you love each other.
 
J

Joenot13681

I think I understand what @NONE123 means about a “right” to know what is going on in his partner’s life, and I think the word “right” is getting people unnecessarily bent out of shape. It’s a communication issue folks, settle down on the supporters please.

I don’t think he meant that he should have open access to all her deepest darkest secrets and banking information as his right by her man that owns her, etc.

What I’m getting from this is that in “normal” relationships, people communicate their feelings with their significant others. They do not find sharing their emotions threatening. They communicate when they are upset about something. That is a pretty standard expectation in the majority of “outside” relationships. As part of trusting relationship, you need to communicate with your partner.

You have to give us non-PTSD folks a little grace for not understanding that this common occurrence is now a no-go. It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that the person you love sees you as a threat when you aren’t really a threat. Or untrustworthy. Or toxic like their abuser… so on and so forth.

This kind of stuff makes sense to a sufferer, but it doesn’t make sense to us until we learn.

@NONE123 I’m sorry you’re hurting, but it sounds like moving on may be the best thing for you. It sucks, but if she’s not healthy enough mentally to function in a relationship, then it’s best not to try and force it. Nothing you do will fix anything. One person can’t make a relationship work.
Totally agree as to a little Grace.
To simply say “move on get over it peace her alone” is naive and overly simplistic especially for a survivor supporter forum. If you truly just think it’s that simple, why be on here in a supporter room? Everyone can say the other party is weak for not being able to do what others expect to be able to do. who more than PTSD survivors try to convey empathy for a mental crisis of realizing you’re in love with someone who is really damaged to the extent that they can walk away from you in a minute and if you show shock and helplessness you will be told “get the message”
Sure, maybe there is a “right” to anything.
But yeah we
Kinda do “owe” those who invested a part of their life to us the compassion that they see it much differently.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
To simply say “move on get over it peace her alone” is naive and overly simplistic especially for a survivor supporter forum. If you truly just think it’s that simple, why be on here in a supporter room?

Unfortunately, sometimes that’s all that can be done. We can’t love them better or make them be healthy enough to be in a relationship. I’ve been with my partner for a decade, and this man is my heart… but I am fully aware that there may be a point in time I have to walk away. It’s not about *not* loving him enough, or not being dedicated enough. It’s about loving him and myself enough not to make us both miserable.

Being a supporter is the pits sometimes.
 

Joenot1368

New Here
Unfortunately, sometimes that’s all that can be done. We can’t love them better or make them be healthy enough to be in a relationship. I’ve been with my partner for a decade, and this man is my heart… but I am fully aware that there may be a point in time I have to walk away. It’s not about *not* loving him enough, or not being dedicated enough. It’s about loving him and myself enough not to make us both miserable.

Being a supporter is the pits sometimes.
You particularly have lots of wise words and shares which are well placed and appreciated. My words of “why be here?”
surely aren’t meant towards you or in a confrontational way. We supporters are here because it’s a safe place for supporters to speak without hearing what we already know is in our survivors mind. There are plenty of forums for survivors and the survivors that are brave enough to listen to this forum and show compassion is quite remarkable. A simple “move on” is what we have all been told and have brought us here. If any of this were simple none of us would have met.
 
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