It is hard to bring up my present day issues

[Scarlet13]

So, with my trauma focused T it is easy to talk about the past. I guess I feel validated by telling her about all of the crap that happened to me.

But it is soooo hard to talk about how I am f*cked up in the present.
I can mention flashbacks and hypervigilence, and many other symptoms.
But some symptoms and behaviors are hard to mention due to shame I guess.

I have recently been in a tough place. My husband lost his job and has been going on interviews.

I got all controling and was not supportive.
I was even insulting towards him and really regretted it. I had severe financial hardship as a child and "dead beat" father figures, so this has been triggering.

It felt like in response to the triggers, my mother came into me and possesed me.
The weight of fear and depression paralized me and made me temporarily mean. I know, I know I should have used skills. And that is also hard to bring up, when I am not so skillful.

My lack of trust leads to the control.
It is these behaviors that are difficult to bring up.

She will gently inform me how it is not healthy in a round about, conversational, theraputic sort of way. But even though it is gentle, I still feel extreme shame and just want to avoid it. Its like I cannot handle coming to her and presenting just how shitty of a human being I am. I feel like I will implode.

I want to be amazing and loved by her.
I don't want to go in there and be like,
"Here is how I am a peice of shit human."
I have felt like a peice of shit human in all aspects of my life growing up.

But, isn't this the whole point of therapy?
I need to just do it, but that doesn't help.
Any body else struggle with this?

 

[shimmerz]

Its like I cannot handle coming to her and presenting just how shitty of a human being I am.

Is it possible you aren't a shitty human being, but rather, like the rest of us, simply human? I think your therapists job in all of this would be to help guide you out of judging yourself so you can get at figuring out how to exorcise (not meaning in The Exorcist kind of way) what you think are your mother's influences in all of this so you can find the 'real you' that wants to be supportive and loving towards your husband?

 

[Justmehere]

I want to be amazing and loved by her.
I don't want to go in there and be like,
"Here is how I am a peice of shit human."
I have felt like a peice of shit human in all aspects of my life growing up.

You have a core belief from the past showing up in the present. Pretty common. Nothing to be ashamed about.

The first step towards change is often the hardest: admitting the problem. My guess? She wouldn't be at all surprised by the struggle and would accept you just the same.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, you are right.
I brought up a lot to her last week and it was a good session.
She actualy likes it when I say exactly whats on my mind, it is interesting to her.