So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...
I actually don't think that I posted it on the forums... So, if you are not sure about the St. Patty's Day Ordeal, you can skim it here. What I said above will maybe make more sense as you can better see the whole picture and the why we stopped talking...
<blog address removed by staff - self promotion is not permitted on this forum.>
- Anni (of a particular r*pe) this month and I want December to be over... It's the 29th... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...
- Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
- Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
- Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We aren't really even having a Christmas this year because she;s not in the mood... Not that I get it off anyway... I go in at 3 pm on the 25th and get off at 6 am on the 26th and have to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
- My best friend (the one who hurt me if y'all remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
"Who is this?" she replied.
Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
"Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
"I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
"Just making sure." She said.
And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it... - T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
- Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
- Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
- I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)
- I sometimes have these semi-blackouts... I am not sure if it is really a blackout though.. It's like time loses all meaning and I just become not aware as much of what I am doing or what I have done... The blackouts are anywhere from a few seconds at a time to minutes and even up to an hour. Or maybe longer. I'm not sure. And like I said, it's not really a blackout per se, but like I keep becoming unaware of where I am and what I am doing and then time will like slip by and I don't notice it and I get lost... I guess I have kind of blackout out or lost time a few times maybe...? It feels like I used to feel when I smoked a ton of weed... When I look around, everything 'stutters'. Like time folds in on itself. And every few seconds it's like I forget where I am and I'm disoriented. And then right when I start to remember where or even who I am it happens again and then I am like, "Am I real? Where am I? What's happening?" It's like time means nothing. Lose all sense of time kind of. And I get tingly and it feels like I'm floating. I go numb...
I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". I even feel time slipping by. Sometime I will look at the clock and will be like, "Waaaaa?"
I will at times be talking and then just stop mid-sentence and not even know what I have been saying. People have to tell me what I have been talking about. Sometimes I can resume. Sometimes I just can't. It seems like a distant dream that I can't remember
A month ago or more, while at work, I went and turned a TV off and was walking around and then sat back down (so I have been told...)
Then, I asked one of the aids, "Why is the TV off?"
She looked at me weird and said, "Chantel, you just came out of the soiled utility room, sat down, stared at the TV for a bit, walked over and shut it off, and then walked around. It didn't look like you had anywhere in mind you were actually walking too. Your eyes were glazed over. Then you sat back down and just kind of came out of it and asked why the TV is off. Do you feel OK?"
I replied (this I remember), "I didn't turn it off. I have been sitting here this whole time."
"Um, no you haven't."
At first I got angry because I thought she was playing a trick on me but then the nurse at the time on that shift said that she watched me turn it off. Then the room began spinning. Or maybe it was me who was spinning (in my head)... After a while, I vaguely remembered "shutting off the TV"... But I didn't think that was reality. I don't remember doing it per se, but I remember dreaming about doing it... Or at least I thought it was a dream. It's like I watched through a foggy glass or something... But it didn't feel real at all and even then, it was hard to retrieve this memory that I thought was a dream. I even asked them if I was dreaming and if I was real... They said I was saying things that didn't really make any sense and that I just "left".
Then I would come back and ask, "Am I still here?" And as soon as I would ask that, I would "trail off" again... I do remember asking these things vaguely. I remember this happened in waves... Like it was so fast... So so fast. Cycling rapidly... it's hard to explain...
Any input at all???
I actually don't think that I posted it on the forums... So, if you are not sure about the St. Patty's Day Ordeal, you can skim it here. What I said above will maybe make more sense as you can better see the whole picture and the why we stopped talking...
<blog address removed by staff - self promotion is not permitted on this forum.>
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