Thank you. It means a lot. I am not okay...
I know this is redundant but I just need to say it all.
I need prayers. Well, my dad does. He was diagnosed with cancer as you know. I've been telling him to go to the doctor for months... He finally did as you know. I am trying to remain positive. I know God is here with me and with him. He has this all covered, but I'm still scared. But The Evil One feeds off of fear, so I will pray and trust in God. But I ask for prayers. I have been working through a lot of things. I've come to realize what I know I've always known: my dad didn't have any bad intentions when he did the things he did. He never abused me sexually. Emotionally, he violated me and it had to do with his sexual frustrations and some other adult things. It was not right and it was selfish but he didn't do it to hurt me. In fact, I don't think he even knew it was wrong. I don't know how he couldn't have known... But I don't think he did. The physical punishment that happened was isolated and by the things he's said, he feels were justifiable. The "games" that we played that I loved but also found painful were just that: games. They bordered on being "sadistic" maybe. But he's not like that.. They weren't like that. I can't explain it. I guess he had a mean streak but he honestly loves me more than anything. And yeah, he failed to stop his friend from r*ping me and is still friends with him but that's my fault... In my fear and shame, I rather harshly yelled at him to stay away and go back to sleep (he couldn't see what was happening, he could only hear it)... He only listened to what I told him to do. And he thought that I was enjoying and wanting it I think... I am not even sure if he knew sexual stuff was going on for sure... he might have "had a feeling" but I don't think he was sure. I guess even though the last thing I wanted was for him to see me like that, at the same time I wanted him to help me. It's not even that really... It's that once he found out a few weeks later when I told him what happened, he didn't do a thing and is still friends with him. I guess I am just confused and feel very guilty too. He even said, most of the guilt is mine and I must face that. And now I have been so mean and vile to him the last few years... And weirdly, none of this matters to me and I just want him to be okay. I would kill myself if it would help him. I'd take his cancer if I could make him better. It's the least I could do. He and I used to be BEST friends. I lived for him. He was my purpose. I used to think when he would die, I would have to die too. I think I kind of planned on it. I just could not live without him. Because I didn't feel I was supposed to. I also didn't ever think I could move out and leave him. Looking back, it wasn't healthy I guess... And hunting was "our thing"... Well, since his friend r*ped me, it's been over a year since we've hunted together due to the fact that his friend is often down there (as they own land that borders each other's land). Now, I think I will make amends with his friend and go hunting with my dad if that is what my dad wants to do. I am not sure how I feel about it. I feel it is the right thing to do. We'll find out soon how my dad is doing. The doctor seems confident about it. God is here with us. All I know, is that I love my dad and oddly feel no ill feelings at all about any of my r*pes by any of the men who've hurt me over the years. In fact, I feel the blame. It was my fault. But that doesn't matter right now, my dad does.
