It Wasn't My Fault

[Conjurus]

I was four years old. I did something apparently that required punishment and so my mother let my uncle take me to another room and deal that punishment. She had no idea what he was going to do. Until Recently she never did know. Until a few hours ago she didn't know the full extent of the burdens I've been carrying my whole life, always fearful of someone finding out. Until now I didn't fully understand that it wasn't my fault.

My uncle molested his own children, not just me. As a kid i went over to play with my cousins all the time. Well.. we played in "tents" that we made inside out of chairs and blankets. At night my cousins got me to let them touch me and me to touch them. We were all innocent.. but a couple years later..

I was still innocent- just a young child. I had been molested (to put it nicely). I carried this stuff on with me. I don't remember how old I was- maybe 8, when my stepdad took me, my mom, and my little brothers to Michigan for a vacation. We stayed with my stepdad's brother and his brother's family. His brother had two nieces. I played house with one of the nieces and we pretended to be married and I.. touched her. Ever since I've lived in fear and guilt and terror that my stepdad would find out. To my knowledge he never did, but it didn't stop me from thinking about it nearly every day- a tremendous burden- I never told anybody. I thought I was bad, evil, but I was only 8 years old.

Today, for the first time, I told my mom what happened. The secret is out. For the first time, I realize it wasn't my fault. I was innocent. I cried for two hours with my mom. I havn't cried in a long time. I feel like letting this go has been a huge accomplishment and I feel so much lighter now.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Well done! Keep going.... It's hard to write about our actions no matter if we were innocent or guilty. It's a process that takes time to sort through.

Blessings
Tammy

 

[Conjurus]

Great point. Thankfully we have the power of love and forgiveness. :smile:

 

[pebbels]

Hello Conjurus:hello:
I just wanted to congratulate you for letting your mum know what had happened to you and what burdens you have had to carry.
That was brave and awesome of you:clap:

Pebs:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Nicolette]

I feel like letting this go has been a huge accomplishment and I feel so much lighter now.

It is a huge accomplishment and I am glad you feel lighter. You have just made a remarkable step towards healing your trauma. Great stuff having the courage to tell your mom! :thumbs-up

 

[Conjurus]

Thank you Pebbles and Nicolette.

Pebbles- do you remember me from the chat room? I think I signed in there as jesse. Maybe it was conjurus I dont remember, but you may have seen a convo about martial arts? I used to log into the chat but now it wont work or it's different or something.

Yes Nicolette I feel a lot better now than ever before!

 

[BethRSA]

Wow Jesse:thumbs-up

So glad that you had the guts to tell your mom and that she listened to you, didn't "dis-count" you, and encouraged you. Great way of handling it on everyone's part.

Keep on going from strength to strength. It's nice to hear good news. We're rejoicing with you!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sexual abuse is never our fault...But, most of the time we tend to blame ourselves.....Good for you for finally talking to your mother, and to be able to post what you went through here on the forum...That takes courage.....