Starting therapy this coming week. Not sure how to feel about that.
This time last year my little girl almost died after being assaulted by her father. She was three months old at the time. She spent a month in the PICU, sustained traumatic brain injury, hemorrhaging behind her eyes, a broken clavicle, developed seizures, underwent neurosurgery, and was in a neck brace for 2 months.
Today my daughter is a healthy, happy one year old. She will always have difficulties & cognitive delays, but she is physically healthy. She is doing ok. Mommy isn't.
Having troubles sleeping, eating. It's hard to be around strangers, especially men. My hands shake, my heart pounds, I feel nauseated, and often stutter. I can't go out with friends-- that would mean leaving my daughter in someone else's care. I don't have any interest in friends anymore, anyway. Forget dating-- every man I meet is a potential abuser. No one can be trusted.
Most nights I lay awake replaying every moment in my mind, from the months leading up to the abuse to the hospital. Lots of 'what could I have done to change it' scenarios. Asking myself, 'how could I have been sleeping with a monster and not have known it?' My emotions in those moments range from guilt, to anger, to sadness, to complete impassivity.
I feel terrible for being like this when it was my daughter who was abused, not me. Why do I have the right to being a complete friggin mess, when she is so strong?
This time last year my little girl almost died after being assaulted by her father. She was three months old at the time. She spent a month in the PICU, sustained traumatic brain injury, hemorrhaging behind her eyes, a broken clavicle, developed seizures, underwent neurosurgery, and was in a neck brace for 2 months.
Today my daughter is a healthy, happy one year old. She will always have difficulties & cognitive delays, but she is physically healthy. She is doing ok. Mommy isn't.
Having troubles sleeping, eating. It's hard to be around strangers, especially men. My hands shake, my heart pounds, I feel nauseated, and often stutter. I can't go out with friends-- that would mean leaving my daughter in someone else's care. I don't have any interest in friends anymore, anyway. Forget dating-- every man I meet is a potential abuser. No one can be trusted.
Most nights I lay awake replaying every moment in my mind, from the months leading up to the abuse to the hospital. Lots of 'what could I have done to change it' scenarios. Asking myself, 'how could I have been sleeping with a monster and not have known it?' My emotions in those moments range from guilt, to anger, to sadness, to complete impassivity.
I feel terrible for being like this when it was my daughter who was abused, not me. Why do I have the right to being a complete friggin mess, when she is so strong?
