It's gonna get better

[Mushy]

Don't know how exactly but managed to string a few good days together. Not that they weren't without triggers or stressors but somehow was able to stay grounded for the most part. Not really much more to add, just taking things one moment at a time.

 

[Mushy]

Ugh. Jolted again awake last night obsessing over one particular thought, which led to another and another. Managed to fall back asleep using some rhymic breathing but when I awoke again the thought still persisted. I think part of it is that I'm mad at myself for not being productive on a project that needs work and instead I sort of shut down and watched TV. I also need to get out of this house I'm in, but currently there is no way that I can. My soon to be ex brother-in-law who has been living with us for the better part of two years is a major trigger for me and I have expressed this in the past but no one seems to care. Especially not him. He's about to lose his license from a DUI and as usual has made no plans to deal with the aftermath. He's been super nice to me lately and based on past experiences I think he's expecting that I will be his chaffeuer when ever he needs it. Of course this is all speculation being created in my brain and maybe it won't happen. I dunno. I need to get out of this house and into my own space so that I can truly begin to heal.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think part of it is that I'm mad at myself for not being productive on a project that needs work and instead I sort of shut down and watched TV. I also need to get out of this house I'm in, but currently there is no way that I can.

Are you feeling depressed and cooped up in your home right now? I hope that you can give yourself a break right now until you can stabilized some of your feelings about your home situation. It is okay to not feel like doing things under those conditions I think. I believe that you are coping and managing the best you can under some adverse situations. Please feel free to ignore if it does not apply to you.

 

[Mushy]

No it's very helpful to hear your perpesctive :) and I wouldn't say I feel cooped up, more like trapped. I can't really look for a place of my own until we sell our previous home and can't live there for it's too far away. It's a very complicated situation and I'm trying hard to make the best of it.

 

[Mushy]

Yesterday was a mixed bag. Something very confusing happened last night with my wife (who has filed for divorce) and it's rolling around my head like crazy. She returned from a day business trip and when she got back home I went out to welcome her and she kissed me. We had some good conversation about her trip and things that happened here while away and so on. When she went to bed however I still slept on the couch. Not gonna lie, it made me feel good to have some of that connection again, but the reality is I think it was a mistake on her part and she did it out of habit as opposed to genuine love. I want to talk about it, but I'm scared. I'm scared that that's all it was and I will have to rexperience the rejection all over again. I'm also scared that I'm continuing to allow my self to be emotionally toyed with. Our relationship hasn't always been bad,but I have been on a bit of a emotional yo-yo with her over the years. It's a confusing morning but deep down I know that I need to get an answer to my nagging question and set clearer boundaries going forward. Am I holding on to a hope that our marriage can be saved or am I allowing another cycle of abuse to continue? I dunno anymore.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Divorce is a very complicated process and ugly ones are unbearable at times I think. I can understand why you feel what you do and you have a right to all of your feelings and in the beginning, rejection really hurts so much and is so confusing. I think thinking about what kind of boundaries you need and to begin setting the limits will offer you a sense of stability in the process. I am sorry that it is happening.

 

[Mushy]

Kind of a blah weekend. Feel numb for the most part and haven't been motivated to do much. Emotionally I feel kind of dead inside.Woke up to another bad dream this morning. The dream started with a phone conversation with my sister (one of my abusers) and I was explaining things to her and it all made sense. For the first time in my life I was able to communicate my pain clearly and at the end of the dream I realized the call had dropped and nothing I said was heard. Stupid dreams.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

 

[Mushy]

Woke up this morning angry, with a raging headache and surrounded by triggers. Have to spend a good portion of my day off cleaning up messes I didn't make and the people who did make them have the nerve to say "enjoy your day off". Screw you! I'm not a neat freak by any stretch, but slobbishness and dirt drive me nuts and I cannot relax. So in order to really enjoymy day...I have to do some cleaning. Grrrr

 

[Mushy]

Been fairly angry the past few days, but have been doing a good job of not stewing on that anger and turning it into productive energy. Sleep is getting better too :) Been focusing more on how I react to situations and less on the people who are trigger me. I can't change them, but I can change how it effects me. Through a strange coincendence this week as I was trying on one of those bodysuit things that go under a Halloween costume I noticed the tightness and feel of it lessened my anxiety. Almost felt like I was being hugged all over which brought a calm to me I haven't felt in years. Think I may try and work it into my self care routine.

 

[Mushy]

Been a pretty good few days. I'm getting better at working through the difficult emotions and memories. I have a better understanding of my triggers and how to work through them as they come. Meditation and self-care have been key and I can start to see the results of sticking to it and I feel better knowing the more I do it, the more that it becomes second nature and part of my routine. Still dealing with the fear that all my progress will be derailed but I keep reminding myself that it's an irrational fear which is helping. Sleep has gotten better and rather than waking up every night in a sweat soaked panic, it's down to maybe one or two days and I'm able to calm down and fall back asleep with self-reassurance, grounding exercises and deep breathing. Things are getting better, just hope I can keep the momentum going :)

 

[Mushy]

Haven't had a lot of time recently to focus on myself as I have been busy being pulled in a million different directions. Been doing good at working in self care on a daily basis even if only for a brief moment and something small..like shaving or taking time to stretch. Nightmares are still off and on, but haven't had the sweats in a few weeks which is good. Sleep has been sporadic but I am getting in some good nights here and there. Sunday was a bad day, as I couldn't stop thinking about one particular stressor and being at work at the time was no help either. Overall I feel like I'm doing well, but I know I have a long way to go and I can't let my guard down.

 

[Mushy]

It's been a very hectic month. I've neglected my self care routine which wasn't an issue really up until the past week. Kind of have been on auto pilot and haven't felt connected to myself. Kind of like I'm outside of myself and not connected to my physical self. I have no real identity that I personally recognize and that is bothering me. So today I decided that I'm going to figure that out and in a way I feel lucky because it's like starting with a blank slate. It's sad also because I feel like I've missed out on a lot in life because I operate the way I do.


Well, no time for regrets. Gotta keep chipping away at it all. It'll get better :)