It's Just Too Much

[Heather]

Things are becoming to much to deal with.

My ex is refusing to pay his arrears that the court has ordered him to for the child support and I can't pay my bills. Things are going to be shut off i.e. cable, utilities, car ins. cancelled.

I came home last week and my apt. building was surrounded by police looking for some murder suspect. Then there were a knock at my door and 2 bounty hunters were standing there looking for some fugitive that was the b.f. of my neighbor downstairs.

I'm not eating or sleeping. I had a major panic attack at the grocery store that was horrific. There is something that is brewing in my brain that wants to come out. But it won't. All I do is cry. I am suffering. This is the first time in a year that I DON'T feel like my meds. are working.

I saw my therapist this morning and he asked me if I wanted to cut myself and I said, "yes". He asked me to agree NOT to cut myself until I spoke with him tomorrow. Usually this is our agreement and it normally works. This time I said NO. He was not happy at all. He said the goal was not to move backwards but forwards. Cutting myself was not an option. I didn't care. I didn't want to promise him something that I had no intention of keeping.

He asked me if I was suicidal. I just started to cry. He said maybe I should go inpatient if things were getting to overwhelming and I needed a break. I said I was afraid It was getting to much to handle and I was going to do something stupid. He said is it the added stress of everything that is making everything so hard right now? I said it's everything! And there's NO support. NONE!

My supposed best friend insinuated it was fault that my brother-in-law sexually assaulted me. I'm not gonna go to her. My mother is a f*cking asshole! You can rule HER out. My other so-called friend who also happens to be my neighbor.... I'm pretty sure "messed" with my car. So, I'd have a dead battery all over a stupid f*cking parking spot! for her dumb b.f. who's not even supposed to be living there!

Then I began crying even more. He said what can I do to help. I said can I borrow your credit card. He said it's maxed out. Then he said would you take a loan? I said yea I guess why? He said we have a patient fund account here. I'll fill out the paperwork and get back to you. I guess that solves some of problem. I won't have my electricity shut off. Which is good 'cause I have a freezer full of meat.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Heather,

I am so sorry. I wish I could say more, could help more. Instead of leaving you between a rock and a hard place.

I am pretty maxed out myself right now...if you want to talk, vent, or just say hi...pm me.

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is a lot going on! The fact that life does not stop for PTSD is really a b*tch. I wish I had words that had practical solutions. I really do.

Your therapist sounds like a gem. Lean on him right now. It sounds like he is a wonderful support for you right now.

 

[Heather]

The fact that life does not stop for PTSD is really a b*tch.

Thank you for your support! It is too much. I am so exhausted mentally and physically. I think maybe I should go inpatient for awhile I can cope better. I can't deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is just to much and it scares me that the thought of downing an entire bottle of my medication keeps bouncing around through my brain.

I feel such a deep sense of despair and I don't know what to do with that. My therapist asked what could have triggered this? And now I'm thinking that a few weeks ago when I smelled that marijuana in my neighbors hallway probably had a lot more of an effect on me than I ever wanted to admit. It was so DISGUSTING. My father would get high and then..... So, now whenever I smell it. UGH!!! It's so gross.

I can't handle this. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I'm gonna split in two. There's no reprieve, there's nothing but anguish!

 

[OKRADLAK]

Inpatient is not too bad, not for a few days. Can you do that? Do you have the insurance and resources? Please do it if you think you will hurt yourself! That is what I have done. Marched right up and said I was gonna off myself if I didn't get some relief. Yeah, I went to the nut holding cell then went up. But once they calmed me down in the ER and I did not have to go up.

I HATE inpatient but it is not permanent, like death is permanent. And who knows what happiness might be there a year from now?

Believe me, I am not blowing sunshine. I do not believe I will be "happy" but I mean maybe I will see a really cool sunset or find a loving dog. Those things mean way more to me than relationship/job/education/money/plugged in life.And think of that, the little things you would miss. And the little things that would miss you, too!!

YOu can PM me anytime.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Heather)))))))))

There *is* a beautiful little girl who will grow into a strong woman with having seen her Mommy face the abyss and come out again.

Time for radical self-care. Shed all obligations to others except yourself, your daughter...gather help from trustworthy peeps (teachers, girl scout leaders, whatever to help you with Mommy duties)...

You have handled this before. You will come out again. JUST as you did before....all too many times, I know. But this is just memory, now.

*Linking Arms*

 

[mamachick]

Heather I have been there. When everything seems to be caving in and people around all seem to be a holes. Sometimes they are. Thoughts are suicide are fantasy of escape. Can you think of another escape that is less permenant. What would things look like if things were good and it was a happy time? Who would be there? Where would you be? Try to imagine what you would be feeling inside. I know it doesnt seem like much but we women have strength that sometimes we dont know. My daughter is now 23 and very successful and in grad school. She often reminds me that her strenght has come from me, her mother, who continued to go forward in the face of adversity, not her father who earned a good living and was unavailable and buried his head in the sand and hid. You are strong as you have survived this long.
Hang in there

 

[Heather]

Good question. The agony that I feel inside would be eradicated PERMANENTLY as would the constant anxiety that I feel.

That's all I know for now.

 

[Reclusive]

Oh, Heather! I'm so sorry this is all so overwhelming for you. I know what that can be like. My fiance is going through a bad depressive episode because of our cat and his family and a whole host of other things and I've got to magically make $500 appear in my hands in 10 days and I'm not sure how I'm gonna do that. But failure isn't an option - too many kitty cats depend on me. And you've got someone depending on you and you don't want to leave her with your mother. So have yourself a good cry, some chocolate, maybe a hot bath, and know that you've got the strength to get through this. It's not going to be fun. It's not going to be easy. But it IS going to happen.

 

[intothelight]

(((Heather)))

Sometimes when I felt like I couldn't hang on for myself, I did it for my children. Maybe that is not the "correct" or "proper" reasoning according to experts, but it worked. Frankly, any reason to keep going on is a great reason.

Hang in there, as it will get better.

Deb

 

[Tinyflame]

Heather, it is good that you have some practical help (and emotional support) from from your T, and please also know what support you have here. I realize it won't take away what you feel now, but you will get through this, so I hope you won't give up as you are a Very Precious Person, and we need you here, too, as do many others.
(((((Heather, xox )))))