I know what you mean about feeling like such a fake. I've been there myself. I've also been in the darkest of places, feeling like I'm stuck on autopilot, feeling so disconnected from reality that I'm just watching people go by like, "Where are they all going? Why are we all here? What's the point?" I also know what it's like to stand on the edge while the voices tell me to just do it, that I "deserve it".
I know what it's like. I've resided in that coffin that you are in right now. I'm here to tell you that eventually I found a match. The light permeated that darkness inside of that coffin. It was dark for so long and finally, there was a light. It was so scary though. I was trapped inside of there for awhile, all alone. The anxiety was so bad, it would climb like a crescendo and I fell down the rabbit hole again and again.
With the people on this forum, reading their stories and getting support, the nails started coming out of the coffin, one by one. Some days, I lost that match but it wasn't long before I got another one and fought my way out of that box. There was a light at the top. I started climbing up that miry clay. Some days, there was a storm up there and other days, there was a flood that came and knocked me back down into that coffin but the door stayed open.
The people here carried me up with their hands on some days. There were many many days I felt like I was forgettable. I was so exhausted, felt so defective and hopeless. Then, I realized I was forgetting myself. I was going week to week, not remembering myself (what I was saying here or what I was doing). There were times when I jumped back down that hole and into that coffin--pulling the dirt on top of myself because it was comfortable. It was what I was used to.
People were telling me that I could recover. I had no idea, all of that time, that I could recover. It was the boost that I needed to find the courage that was already within me to keep going, to make a plan, be accountable and carry it through. I fought for myself and transitioned into recovering. Nobody can ever take that away from me. Nobody did that besides me.
When the release came, I grabbed PTSD by the horns, climbed out of that hole for the last time and pushed all of the dirt in there--covering the hole. I broke down that tombstone and I carry a piece with me so that every person I meet will see that I really did reside in that coffin. I have mostly good days now. I never thought that was ever possible--even in my wildest dreams.
Sometimes, I go back to that place and sit on the dirt mound when I have old thought patterns, but this time, I bring a tool box with me. It has all of my coping strategies that I've learned inside of it. I practice them and I'm automatically transported back to walking with my piece of the tombstone--moving forward.
I'm showing you that now. Do you see it? I found a match there in your coffin and lit it, do you see that light in there? I'm in the coffin with you. You are not alone. You are so not alone. We can do this together. This is why we are here. To help each other and support each other. Just keep sharing, make a plan and stick to it.
Read other stories here and offer support even if you feel absolutely hopeless--even if you feel like you have nothing to offer, because I will tell you, posts like yours are one of the reasons I had so much hope--to see someone else going through exactly what I was going through, and still getting on here to share about it. We will get you out of that coffin together, one day at a time, one hour at a time.
Can you feel my love through my words? I care so much about you. I really do. You are so beautiful. You have a story to share.
You CAN recover. You are having a normal reaction to abnormal and horrifying experiences. You are NOT crazy! PTSD is real. We are right here. Let us fill you up. I know this is only virtual, but this is me hugging you so tightly, rocking you gently, and telling you that everything is going to be OK. ((((((((((@
FindingMyself88)))))))))) Everything is going to be OK. This isn't going to be your life forever. You CAN do this. I believe in you!
