It is not abuse when he sobs at the memory of enemy faces begging him not to kill them
It is not abuse when the night terrors cause him to sweat, shake and urinate
It is not abuse when he climbs on a roof believing he is back in the regiment
It is not abuse when he isolates himself so as not to hurt me
It is not abuse that the brutality of war brought him into the depths of insanity
It is traumatic, it is terrifying it is isolating… but it is not abuse.
I wrote this because I want to be ‘heard’ as much as anyone else on this forum but I realised that you can’t hear me, if I don’t tell you how far I have actually come.
The above incidents have happened over a period of almost 9 years – and I have given you only a sample. Today, in comparison, he is more stable. The roof incident happened recently, so I know the dangers are still there but he recovers more quickly.
Dealing with trauma affects Carers deeply. It is hard to realise that you are actually ‘out of it’ and have moved into a new phase. I am beginning to realise that that is where I am right now, not at a crossroads per se, but at a transition point.
I actually feel like any other woman with a man who spends too much time in the pub (British culture for a lot of us) and notice that I can now ‘argue’ like any other woman – which may seem odd to some that I see that as a positive, but it is (for now at least) because his abandonment issues have subsided.
Now he feels more secure he argues back. I love it! We’re “normal” again!
I want to stress that I did not feel I was at a transition stage when I first came to this site and it is only by being here that I have come to this realisation.
I am now facing the last of our problems – alcohol and I have posted too much on this subject to go into all that again but I understand more why he needs it and why I have to face this problem and not allow myself to be drawn into another cycle of trauma. I have never been a victim in my life and I refuse to become one now and, believe me, I am someone who always gets there in the end. Eventually.
I am so grateful for all the advice and support I have received from both sufferers and carers. I particularly value the advice from the long standing members of this site who must have seen the same old posts over and over again and yet still find it within themselves to come in and gently ‘nudge’ or sometimes ‘shove’ the person to a new level of understanding.
I am beginning to think I am on my own journey now and I am so glad I found this site to help me.
Helena
It is not abuse when the night terrors cause him to sweat, shake and urinate
It is not abuse when he climbs on a roof believing he is back in the regiment
It is not abuse when he isolates himself so as not to hurt me
It is not abuse that the brutality of war brought him into the depths of insanity
It is traumatic, it is terrifying it is isolating… but it is not abuse.
I wrote this because I want to be ‘heard’ as much as anyone else on this forum but I realised that you can’t hear me, if I don’t tell you how far I have actually come.
The above incidents have happened over a period of almost 9 years – and I have given you only a sample. Today, in comparison, he is more stable. The roof incident happened recently, so I know the dangers are still there but he recovers more quickly.
Dealing with trauma affects Carers deeply. It is hard to realise that you are actually ‘out of it’ and have moved into a new phase. I am beginning to realise that that is where I am right now, not at a crossroads per se, but at a transition point.
I actually feel like any other woman with a man who spends too much time in the pub (British culture for a lot of us) and notice that I can now ‘argue’ like any other woman – which may seem odd to some that I see that as a positive, but it is (for now at least) because his abandonment issues have subsided.
Now he feels more secure he argues back. I love it! We’re “normal” again!
I want to stress that I did not feel I was at a transition stage when I first came to this site and it is only by being here that I have come to this realisation.
I am now facing the last of our problems – alcohol and I have posted too much on this subject to go into all that again but I understand more why he needs it and why I have to face this problem and not allow myself to be drawn into another cycle of trauma. I have never been a victim in my life and I refuse to become one now and, believe me, I am someone who always gets there in the end. Eventually.
I am so grateful for all the advice and support I have received from both sufferers and carers. I particularly value the advice from the long standing members of this site who must have seen the same old posts over and over again and yet still find it within themselves to come in and gently ‘nudge’ or sometimes ‘shove’ the person to a new level of understanding.
I am beginning to think I am on my own journey now and I am so glad I found this site to help me.
Helena
