General Its Nothing Personal

[Nicolette]

When our sufferers are ill they often lash out at those closest to them....this happens in life in general also for people who don't suffer from any debilitating illness.

While all matter of logic tells you that your sufferer is ill and it is not personal; someone who loved you before can turn into an ugly person while they are down and out. Personally I am blessed as Anthony does a fantastic job of managing himself and is getting better all the time but I have experienced one or two episodes in the early days and they were horrid.

PTSD can cause a loving, caring individual to be mean, abusive or just withdrawn (and I'm sure countless other things) and, while we know they are sick, it is so hard not to take it personally. It's hard to remember when someone has barely spoken to you all week, hardly kissed or hugged you or even given you the time of day, that it's nothing personal.

How do Carer's deal with this?

I thought this type of discussion may help other Carers find some new ideas on coping with this type of situation.

 

[missy8888]

Nicolette,

Thanks for starting this thread. Although i have nothing to contribute to it, as i am currently having a hard time with my survivor. I will be watching for other posts to see if they help...

 

[Shoka]

Getting Needs Met

Thank you Nicollette for starting this thread. What you describe is exactly what I experienced during my vacation.

What I tried to do was focus on all the good things that were happening during the trip. I tried to really appreciate the good things I was getting from the relationship in general. I tried to let go of the callous and lack of personal attention from him at that time. I tried as best as I could not to take it personally. It certainly was a challenge for me.

I think alot about the following question: To what degree is it my responsibility anyway despite my partner being sick to meet my own needs? How do I be sure I'm not placing too much focus of my life on him?

Being new to supporting someone with PTSD, I feel like I have alot to learn. :think:

Shoka

 

[zoe]

I hope it is okay to step into the carers section. I am a carer of someone with a physical illness - so there are many similarities in the struggles he faces with coping.

I was hoping to see many responses since it is difficult not to take all of his frustrations/anger/depression etc. personally. Like Shoka, I try to catch those moments when he is doing better and remind him of how much I love having that "side" of him back.

At other times I have to simply walk away and do something for myself otherwise we will both end up in that "horrid" place together and that wouldn't be good.

Another thing we have always done, which may seem silly is that no matter what has happened, no matter how bad we may feel, or horrid we have been, everyday of our marriage has started and ended with a hug and a kiss...so at least the other knows that they are still loved no matter how difficult a time they are having at the moment.

Thx for the thread

Zoe

 

[Nicolette]

I work along similar lines to Zoe. I praise the "good" behaviour and avoid the not so good.

While the not so good gets tough, I find it's hard not to say anything, so I just tend to say "I don't like who you are being right now" and leave it like that....walk away nothing more. That helps me vent, gets my point across but does not cause an argument or unnecessary stress to Anthony.

Often, out of the blue, for no reason, I will comment on how much better Anthony is dealing with his PTSD than when we first got together. He even now acknowledges this himself which I think is fantastic as if he can see it then he is more willing to commit to it than if he just felt like it was my point of view.

When we go walking we talk and it was only last night that Anthony said that over a year he is less unwell than he used to be and asked me not to be clouded by a few bad weeks. He then went on to say that even if he is sick he is not mean or does not shut himself out....he just takes time out and zones a little but for the majority of it he still participates in life. He may not go out of the home but he no longer lays in bed shutting us out. I agree with him and think he's doing an awesome job and I do believe I have helped him with some of it.

 

[Vickym]

Nicolette,

As a carer after 1 1/2 years I have learned so much from reading about ptsd and coming to the Forum.

I have leaned to walk away. If I didn't we would spend a lot of time in an ugly place and maybe might not have made it this far.

I will admit there are days that I stuggle and do take certain things to heart (my whole marriage thread). But what has helped me the most is coming here talking to and reading others post. People who have already been there and had to deal with it. Knowing what worked for them.

People on the outside of ptsd tend to only make matters worse as they don't understand so limiting what I say to them is a big benefit.

Being open and really listening to what my bf is saying to me and respecting his wishes. If he says the conversation is over its over because his stress level is too high at that point. It took some time for me to be ok with that one.

Last but not least going to counceling appts with him helps so much. Its the one place were anything is game to be said. We learn so much about what the other one is saying or really meaning. And not to take it all so personal.

 

[tardis]

I've learned when my girlfriend is having an off day, I don't expect much off her. I let her alone for the most part, don't push anything on her. If we need to talk about something, I wait until she's ready. When ill she needs a day or so before she can discuss things, so I've learned to be patient.

I also have learned to do as her dad says, which is to not "take the bait". Whilst ill she will sometimes try to get into an arguement with me over nothing. Or, she'll take offence to something minor. I used to argue with her (take the bait) but it only made things escalate, as she's not very reasonable when unwell. Now I just say, "we'll talk about it when you feel better". I am lucky too in that she's done a lot of work upon herself already, so when unwell she usually is aware off it and admits it. She often warns me by saying "I feel ill so I probably won't want to talk or do much for the next couple of days". Its helpful.

How do I not take it personally? Well, I reckon its a bit easier for me, as I have PTSD myself. I see myself in her actions, when she's unwell. And when I have been unwell, she's been there for me and respected my space also. I'm just giving her the same respect. I'll admit there's times she says things which hurt, but I reckon I've done the same to her. We are quite fortunate overall in both having PTSD, we can honestly relate to each other, and so far we have taken turns being ill, so when I'm down she's able to help me, and when she's down I help her.

Overall, I think that, like Anthony, she manages her PTSD fantastically, better than myself if I'm honest. I can learn heaps from her. Feel a bit guilty almost for discussing her here... though she knows I am and doesn't mind. Thing is, she has so much on her plate these days with the physical illness that her PTSD cup is overflowing lots. Difficult to manage that, I can't even imagine it honestly, I'm a bub when sick.

 

[Jim]

Suppose yours truly is fortunate. Having been military trained, learned early on not to take anything personally, from anyone. I apply that training to the relationships I have with all my children, including my daughter with PTSD. Did it also when the wife had PTS after our son's death. In a nutshell - I tell myself, its not about me. Whilst at the same time saying, I count too. Boils down to having self-esteem and not taking on anything that isn't mine. Simple, though not easy. Works for me though.

Jim.

 

[Shoka]

Great tips

Thanks to everyone who participated in this thread. It gives me some real solutions to consider developing. I feel like I have very little boundaries in my life at the moment and I know that's dangerous for me.

I love the idea of saying to my sufferer that "I don't like who you are being right now". Nicolette, can I ask what sorts of responses you've gotten from using that behavior indicator? For me walking away is not really an option because when my BF is having an episode he would see that as my abandoning him or shutting him out which equates to him feeling fear or vulnerability which in turns sets him off more.

I am truly beginning to see that his thinking process is wired toward negativity and that I have to let that stuff go.. to a point. I beginning to be able to see that sometimes when he lashes out it's because he feels like I'm the only "safe" person he can do that with, but I have to learn where to draw the line.

 

[Nicolette]

"I don't like who you are being right now". Nicolette, can I ask what sorts of responses you've gotten from using that behavior indicator?

Shoka, I think the delivery of this message is just as important as the words. When I say this nothing follows and there is silence. The first time I said it Anthony just looked at me and the silence allowed him time to digest the message. The desired response is to stop them in their tracks and get them to think about how they are acting. It should not end up as another discussion and that's why I then walk away.

For me walking away is not really an option because when my BF is having an episode he would see that as my abandoning him or shutting him out which equates to him feeling fear or vulnerability which in turns sets him off more.

I am sorry to say but IMHO I believe this is enabling behaviour. You should not feel responsible for his feelings (he owns them) and you have a right to protect yourself....and that includes removing yourself from an unhealthy situation to give him time to think. You are only walking out of the room. If he follows well....then that's another issue.

He only treats you how you allow him to. You are not his mother and it is not your role to make him feel safe or remove vulnerability. Sorry, harsh I know, but the sooner you understand this the sooner you can add a positive influence to the way he treats you.

 

[freya]

My father has PTSD, only we did not know that until a few years ago. And I have PTSD 'because he had it' (because of how he behaved when I was growing up). So I'm not sure my response fits. Besides that I think my husband, who went through quite some childhood trauma, may have PTSD or traits of PTSD as well. He's been in therapy for childhood issues for over ten years.

I see big differences as well as likenesses in my father and my husband. Both have something like a ´Jekyll and Hyde´-complex, as I call it: one moment they are wonderful and caring, the next they are defensive and attacking and you don't know 'what happened' (what happened, of course, is that they got triggered by something that looks completely innocent to me).

With regard to dealing with my father, I can relate most to what Tardis said about 'not taking the bait'. My father did not know he had PTSD himself, he considered himself 'normal' and everyone else was abnormal, in his eyes. He would get very defensive and go on about some small thing I did or say and the only way to deal with it is to grow very strong inside and be very assertive, meaning I can stick to what I want without arguing over it (something that I did not learn until way into adulthood). To me this is AN ART (particularly because I have my own PTSD responses to deal with while trying to communicate).
However there are still times when I just need to cut off contact with my father because I can't stand the way he acts when triggered.

With my husband it's a different story. He knows and acknowledges his responses are not 'normal' and this makes a big difference. We work on ways to deal with our problems. Part of it is indeed to just stop 'discussing' (or arguing over) some issue and just leave it. One of us gets out of the house sometimes to go for a walk. After that usually we are able to try to talk about what happened in a more 'reasonable' way.

I really feel we're getting better at dealing with triggers this way.
Showing affection is very important to both of us. Sometimes one of us gets triggered, for example by (perceived) 'criticism'. We've developed a habit for the injured one to wait for a while and then later on say, in a joking manner: 'But you DO love me, don't you? Even if I do (....)'. It works very well to take off the heaviness of the situation and offers the other partner a chance to respond in a confirming fashion, to say 'Of course I love you!", hug, or tease back.

Freya

 

[freya]

I was glad to read Nicolette's response with regard to the 'enabling'. It's helpful for me as it offers more clarity. In my relationship I am the one with the fear of abandonment and yes, I did trigger him by going after him when he left the room.
I find it REALLY works much better to try to stop discussing something and take a walk, or go do something else.

In general it works well with my husband (who was beaten as a child) if I keep doing something (such as washing the dishes, holding a book in my hand as if reading) as it gives him more feeling of 'being safe'. If I direct my total attention to him and stop doing what I'm doing to talk to him, he gets very uncomfortable and gets triggered much easier. I suppose this is because his abuser focused his attention on him before beating him.
With me it's the reverse: I get triggered when I am having a problem, try to discuss it and the other person keeps on reading, working on something, etcetera. That triggers my fear of abandonment. Makes me feel like I'm not heard when I try to indicate my boundaries...
I guess it's different for each person and each situation, just meant to say that it can be important to become aware of this kind of things.

Freya