Its So Hard For Me To Have A Relationship

[Tiffer]

I have been sexaul abused by both my mother, step-father, and father... If I can't trust them who is there to trust... I have a two year old son and he is the only one that I can say I love and trust... His father was also very abusive to me... How can I have a relation if I can't trust anyone??? :yawn:

 

[Nicolette]

While very hard Tiffer, the first step is separating these three people from everyone else. I know it's hard as I used to do it but just because 3 people in your life abused you does not mean everyone else will. You have to slowly regain your trust in people by giving them the benefit of the doubt, having your eyes more open and at the first sign of any abuse leave so you start setting safe boundaries for yourself now as an adult.

It is hard and takes a lot of work but it can be done. Don't let 3 people determine the outcome of the rest of your life.

 

[cherryblossom]

Trusting anyone is hard to do, when you've been abused and let down by so many people. But it is possible. Sadly, you have been in contact with several people who can't be trusted, but there are still a whole load of people around who can be trusted. There are a lot of good people on the world. Do you have any friends, or family members who have not treated you badly?

You have to be willing to take a chance and trust someone. I think most people get their fingers burnt, so to speak, at some point in their life, by trusting the wrong person. I'm not trying to compare that to the abuse you have suffered at all. But in order to trust again, you have to give someone the oportunity to show that they are trustworthy. It takes a lot of time, and patience on both parts, but to learn to trust again, you have to let someone into your life, and into your thoughts. You also need to take it one step at a time, and be very perceptive of the response you get. As an adult, and mother now, you have much more control over who you choose to let into your life. As a child, we don't have that choice; are parents are there, whether we like it or not. Choose your friends wisely, and take things slowly. That is the best way to build up trusting relationships.

 

[Tiffer]

I have friends, but I dont have any family that I trust...

 

[Nicolette]

Same here Tiffer but a couple of really good friends are worth a million false ones and you don't have to trust family in order to have a good life. I don't have anything to do with my family other than my son and my life is fine.

 

[snugglepuss]

That is a big part of abuse when it comes from family...it wreaks havoc on our trust system. We are taught that we should always trust our family, that they are the people who are there first for us and who always have our best interests at heart.

But that is not always true. I think that also plays a big part in developing a healthy sense of self worth. I struggle with that...how can I be a worthwhile person if my own mother didn't care enough about me to protect me?

I have to look beyond family for my support. I think I went through a definite grieving period, coming to terms with the fact that my family never was and will never be that family that protects and takes care of it's own. I have a developing relationship with my mum, but I had to work really hard to re-frame what our relationship was going to be. I realized that she will not be that mum that I so desperately want.

It sounds like you might be struggling with that idea too. It is a painful one, for sure. I am sorry that you are hurting.

 

[Tiffer]

If my mother doesn't love me then who could... My mother was a part in the sexual abuse....

 

[Nyx]

If my mother doesn't love me then who could... My mother was a part in the sexual abuse....

Your mother being part of the abuse does not make you a person that doesn't deserve love. That just speaks about her, about an awful person who doesn't know what family means and doesn't understand or feel love for a child. Her actions speak for her, not for you. She/they chose to abuse, not you. But not everyone will do the same. As was said above, you are an adult now, you can make your own choices and you need to give people around you a fighting chance before you turn away from them. I know it's hard, but you can take it one step at a time. And don't forget to take care of you in the process.

 

[Lucycat]

Oh Tiffer, I feel for you. I too was abused by a parent. Just one - not three like you. I have gone through the feelings and thoughts of why, how, what is wrong with me? But you DO come out the other side. It is NOT your fault. You deserve as much love as anyone else and I truly believe you will find the trust again.

Do look after yourself, as you slowly walk this path to healing.