It's the job...

[FauxLiz]

As I was sitting at work today watching the clock tick down to 5 pm I realized that there is more to my work frustrations than not really caring for my employer. After over a decade, nearly $100,000 in student loan debt (not paid off) and dealing with more people than I care to imagine it dawned on me that it isn't the job that I don't like it is the career.

I have no idea what to do next. I don't know how to translate my past experience to another career field. I don't know if the major problems I have had at work; trouble focusing, memory difficulties, difficulty dealing with co-workers, bosses and customers to name a few are related to my ptsd or the job/career I am in.

Now my S/I is through the roof because it says that death would be easier than trying to figure all this out. As a single parent with health issues, student loans and in a high cost of living area I can't just take any new job without significant impact on my monthly budget.

I am not looking for solutions I just really needed to vent and talk this through to try and help with the overwhelming panic that seems to be setting in.

 

[Freida]

We can panic together?? I'm on medical leave from a job I don't want to go back to...but in the 31st I run out of money. May or may not get disability thru employers insurance. Have to figure out what to do with all the suggestions from people in the know but too tired and stressed to start the process.

So I know how it feels. I also know based on your post that your child needs you. Look at her/him. They don't care if you all live in a dumpster as long as they have you. So I'm going to apologize for being harsh.... But in my last job I talked with to many kids who lost a parent to suicide.... Nothing will screw them up more.

Death might seem easier...but it's not. You will get this figured out. Panic will pass. Your kid will still love and need you and you will be there for them. So vent away....get it out of your system...do some deep breaths...hug your kid......know you are not alone...

 

[scout86]

. I don't know how to translate my past experience to another career field.

Of course, without knowing way more about you, we can't specifically be much help. But, depending on where you live, your state unemployment office might be a lot of help. I'm sure this varies but in this (fairly liberal) state, they have a lot of resources to help you with things like figuring out what fits for you and how to make transitions. Plus lists of available jobs, help with interviewing, etc. A great resource and free. (Our tax dollars in action.)

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 thanks for the ideas. I have used unemployment office resources in the past but I am not sure I am really a candidate for their services at this point. I have been doing executive c-suite level work for the past 12 years. One of the biggest challenges is that I am struggling the more time I spend in therapy with hiding from everyone my ptsd. My employer doesn't know, we don't have an HR department (I handle most of the HR functions). Absolutely no one in my family including my kids are aware, they think therapy is where I go to talk about work issues that need to be discussed with a trusted adult not children that have to worry about what they say to whom. I have tomorrow afternoon off for a doctor's appointment, maybe I will check out the unemployment office and see if there is anything that they can do to assist me.

 

[scout86]

So, it's the problem the job/career, our is it having to keep secrets? Or a combination?

As they exist here, the unemployment office addresses career change situations. (You don't have to tell them what you're doing now, I don't think.)

Good luck!

 

[FauxLiz]

The problem is the career. I have become completely disillusioned about what I do I wanted to think it was this particular job but as I speak to others in the profession they are dealing with very similar issues and seem to be willing to accept the toxicity in which the field is headed. I have been with my current employer almost 3 1/2 years. In that time I have dealt with having a superior in the organization file a criminal complaint against me which was found to be unfounded and a farce. I have dealt with multiple superior officers in the organization squabbling like toddlers and then taking their anger out on me and my staff to the point that I am losing good employees because they don't want to deal any longer. My staff joke that the higher ups are giving them ptsd working here because week after week it is just one scandal after another and we don't work for the federal government. With all the scandal, dissension and just plain hostility around my fuse for dealing with triggers, anxiety and panic are at max capacity. If other jobs in this field are as bad I can't imagine staying just to keep having a meltdown when I get home from 10-15 hour days at work.

 

[scout86]

That sounds horrible! Stuff like that is the reason I'm self employed!

 

[Freida]

One of the biggest challenges is that I am struggling the more time I spend in therapy with hiding from everyone my ptsd.

I'm right there with you on that! Toxic environment and embarrassment means I spend way more energy hiding than I have to give. I went out on a medical leave under FMLA. It's sucked up all my sick leave and vacation but it's been worth It. Any chance of that for you??

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Yes a medical leave is a great idea. I did it twice,when I was working at a job that required me to listen to people scream in my earpiece and being called names and then me having to kiss their butts in return. Eventually I had had enough and left without notice. I'm more important than people too irresponsible to pay their bills on time. I learned toxic work environments are in opposition to people experiencing or experienced trauma.

 

[FauxLiz]

I am out of vacation and sick time until January 1st. I could take FMLA leave except it would be unpaid. Unless I am hospitalized short term disability is not really an option as the first 7 days would be unpaid as well. I know that it sounds stupid but if I took medical leave I could kiss my job and career good bye. While I have been with this employer I had to take 8 weeks off due to emergency brain surgery, 2 weeks off due to knee surgery a year later then 6 months after that I had a mini stroke and was off for three months. They would use a different reason but I'm sure they would terminate me. Worse yet it is a very small field position recruiters would call around and talk to staff and I would never be offered interviews for this level position again. I know that shouldn't matter if I am thinking of leaving the profession but it does matter to me for some reason.

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

I am out of vacation and sick time until January 1st. I could take FMLA leave except it would be unpai...

Your reason is the best reason. Please take care of yourself and the younglings.

 

[Freida]

I know that shouldn't matter if I am thinking of leaving the profession but it does matter to me for some reason.

Of course it matters! A career change is tough at the best of times....doing one because of an illness and an unsupportive workplace would suck even more. And you poor thing...all those medical things you've had to deal with. No wonder you are so stressed.

.I'm kind of in the same boat because my T wants me off another 6 months at least and I'm fairly certain I'll get the boot when I tell them. I'm hoping to get approved for long term disability thru work...is that a possibility for you? I know there is usually a waiting period but maybe worth looking into?