General Its Time To Walk Away

[Clarity99]

Its time to walk away. My boyfriend requested (a while ago) that I not see him. For what ever reason (that I have tried to analyze for the last month), I made his PTSD symptoms worse. I became incorporated into his dreams, he had visions of me dying, bleeding on the ground... Its all just too much for him. And every time I contact him (which I've been doing much less, thanks to you all), I'm sure he feels guilty because he doesn't respond. I know he loves me very much.

As hard as it is, I have accepted that I must leave him alone. He is not seeking treatment and he may not choose to do so anytime soon. With me gone, his symptoms become "manageable". He doesn't drink or party or cope in any way besides isolating and writing, so I really don't know when he will hit "rock bottom".

He called me yesterday by accident, his cell phone was in his pocket. Boy, did it surprise me! But then it was just that muffled, scraping noise... I tried to make a joke of it, texting "its a sign! you really do want to talk to me!" but then I realized that probably ripped his heart out... and I felt terrible.

I don't want to hurt him more than he already does... I think part of the difficulty of me walking away is that I feel as if I am abandoning him, that someone that loves you doesn't just walk away... But I know I must give him space. I've said this before and done this before, but this time its for real. It hurts so much but I know only he can choose to help himself.

I've tried to be "there" for him, tell him that I love him... but he rarely responds. And without him communicating with me, I don't know if it helps or hurts him more.

 

[CCurry]

I feel so bad for you. You must be just devastated. I wish I can say I totally relate but I can't as my situation is a bit different.

What I do know is I've spent a lot of time thinking about my limitations and what I am willing to accept and what I'm not.

I've come to realize that I will stand by him IF he was willing to seek treatment and for awhile I wasn't sure he was going to. I can be patient if I need to be BUT if he's not willing to get help then I'm not willing to hang on! That was what I decided.

I think you're doing the right thing even though its no doubt very painful.

C.

 

[Nonie]

I think part of the difficulty of me walking away is that I feel as if I am abandoning him, that someone that loves you doesn't just walk away... But I know I must give him space. I've said this before and done this before, but this time its for real. It hurts so much but I know only he can choose to help himself.

I've tried to be "there" for him, tell him that I love him... but he rarely responds. And without him communicating with me, I don't know if it helps or hurts him more.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I've been going through it on and off for over 2 years now with my now-ex bf. I understand how you feel the guilt of walking away and that you feel like you're abandoning him, because a person doesn't walk away from someone they love and care about. But it took me a while to realize it also, that when he says he needs space, he really means it. I've said it before many times, also..that i would give him space, but i never did. I always came back and started to text, or call, or complain. I too have thoughts about if it helps or hurts him more, when i don't contact him either.

Take care of yourself for now, because he's doing what he can to manage himself, and you're getting all wound up, and it's causing a lot of hurt and stress. It becomes such a vicious cycle, and it's hard to break free from it. I understand you. Perhaps some actual SOLID time apart will make things a little easier on you both.

 

[Nicolette]

The sad thing about all of this, which I am sure many a Carer has asked, is how do you have a relationship with someone who you don't see or contact? To me that is not a relationship. PTSD is hard but to me the "I need space" is a really big flashing sign saying "I'm not really capable of having a relationship now even though I do love you".

While it sounds harsh I think some Carers cause themselves more hurt by thinking that it will get better. For Anthony and I it did as he was going through a divorce and trying to see his boys when I met him. There were a few rocky times but only once through all that bad stuff that Anthony told me he needed his space but it never meant him not being in my life...it meant not putting any of my stress or issues on him.

I tell you this as a benchmark for PTSD Sufferer's position. IMHO if a Sufferer can't see you and have contact that means they are not well enough for a relationship and I can't comprehend how anyone would think that is abandoning someone as it is them pushing you away.

I feel for anyone going through what is written here but I really do also wish that some women would not feel responsible and cause themselves further hurt when all the signs point to a relationship not being right at a given point in time.

Personally I could not do a relationship where I had to act based on the other person's state at any given time. It is like being on puppet strings. I am happy to make allowances for PTSD but I will not let it consume my life so I lose me.

 

[Clarity99]

IMHO if a Sufferer can't see you and have contact that means they are not well enough for a relationship and I can't comprehend how anyone would think that is abandoning someone as it is them pushing you away.

I feel for anyone going through what is written here but I really do also wish that some women would not feel responsible and cause themselves further hurt when all the signs point to a relationship not being right at a given point in time.

Personally I could not do a relationship where I had to act based on the other person's state at any given time. It is like being on puppet strings. I am happy to make allowances for PTSD but I will not let it consume my life so I lose me.

Hi Nicolette,

You are very right. It isn't a relationship at all, and although I love him very much, it is not healthy, balanced or ok for either of us. Some days I accept this with no problem, other days I am just sad for what we used to have.

I'm pretty sure men and women do this, not just women. :wink:

It is definitely too much of a roller coaster and I am disembarking.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Clarity,

I have to totally agree with the replies you got....There really is no relationship when they constantly shut us off. In my case, over and over. Yes, they do love us....but they are not able to be in a relationship with us.

In my case, he is able to function with others, he has a job, he enjoys his motorcycle, his 4wheel...etc.....it is just when it comes to me that he just can't function in a healthy way.

I have come to realize that I have enabled him to come back in my life thinking that this time would be the good one.....only to see him dissappear again, over and over....it has become a pattern for him. A pattern that I am now breaking.

I decided to get my life back and say "enough is enough" ! I don't want to live my life always in regards to how he is at any given time. I deserve better....we all do :) I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't know when the man I love will leave again....and then have to worry where he is, is he ok ?...etc...

Clarity, I feel your frustrations....I have been there and I am still living it, but know that you have done all you can. If he doesn't want to live by the rules that a healthy relationship entails, there is nothing you can do but walk away :)

I also think often about how great it was, that is when it saddens me....but I also think of how he acts now and that gets me mad ....mad at him but mostly mad at myself for allowing his unhealthy behaviour.

There comes a time for all us "carers" to say "it's time to walk away". For some, quite soon...for others it takes longer....We all have our "limits" and in our hearts we know when that time has come. Sure it hurts.....hurts like hell ! We feel guilty for letting go.....We might think "maybe he is better and will stay this time".

But what we have to realize is that maybe they don't want a relationship with us anymore...or simply can't ....for whatever reason ! We have to realize that without therapy and medication they will never get better.

Yes, we do have to give them space......but we don't deserve abandment, complete silence that lasts days, weeks and sometimes months. That is not having a relationship !

Take care

Frankie

 

[ashmarie]

thank you for this post and the replies! I am curently going through this process with my sufferer, I am trying to figure out where the line is and when enough is enough. after reading these, it basically confirms what had been going on in my head but i was trying to ignore. I try to defend the relationship and think when he decides to contact me that "maybe this time it will be better". after seeing that these are common toughts and that it isn't really ever the case, i really think i know what i have to do. I cannot just keep letting him call the shots when it's convenient for him, i have to be fair to myself in all of this. as hard as this realization is for me at this very second i think it has been a long time coming and i have made it worse trying to put it off and deny it for so long becasue of how it used to be and outside of our realtionship he is an INCREDIBLE man, but he just can't give me what i need and deserve. sorry, this kinda became about me, but thank you all for your comments that made me come to this realization just now! now i just need to follow through...whenever i see him next...

 

[Pam]

My C went through something similar guilt feelings with his wife (though the circumstances are quite different). She needed care related to physical and mental health issues that stressed his own ptsd to the breaking point. His stressed responses then made her stress greater. He finally had to realize that he could not be her primary care giver. Not just for his own sake but for his wife's as well. He felt very guilty over it and truly felt that he was abandoning her. He then felt guilt over our relationship. It took a while but everyone involved has finally come to the conclusion that while they are still married for health insurance reasons, they are both healthier not having a relationship with each other, instead getting care and comfort in other ways that work better for each of them. She sometimes talks one of her caregivers into driving to C's home or place of work but everyone takes these episodes in stride, as they do not last long. I will have to admit that I have struggled with this from time to time and have had my own share of guilt. Life can sure be messy.