Supporter It's Too Hard

[lovehopepeace]

New (a little over a year) wife of man with combat PTSD. I'm thinking it's too hard. I can never do anything right. Last night I had to get away from it for a while so I went for a long walk. When I returned I was yelled at, called a wh*re, and accused of going to a bar and having sex. I am faithful in word, deed and thought to my husband. That really hurt. I don't think I can do this anymore. I'd rather be dead.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I hope you realize there is a difference between PTSD anger and just plain abuse? PTSD does not give anyone the right to say awful things to you or make you wish you were dead. It does not work that way. The regular boundary lines and respect rules still apply in a relationship where PTSD is involved.

I am sorry you are going through that. There is a supporters section here, and there is some great supportive people down there.I would start there.

Is your husband getting help? Is he making any effort to make himself more healthy?

Take care of yourself.

 

[lovehopepeace]

He's seeing doctors and taking meds, but is still drinking and hiding it. Thanks for replying

 

[wife of]

Hi Cg...come on in and see us all in the supporters aection for some tips...x

 

[Eleanor]

Welcome to the form lovehopepeace!:)

No one should have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse. And you shouldn't either. As wife of says, come on down to the supporter section. Read all the stickies - they are worth their weight in gold. And feel free to read all the threads, new and old. It is hard to predict when/where you'll find just what you need here...

 

[circe47]

Welcome Lovehopepeace,

As a person with C-PTSD, I can say without a doubt that just because I have C-PTSD does not make me yell at or call my husband names, or accuse him of cheating, or make him wish he were dead.

On the contrary, he is my center of calm and serenity. I would never push away or injure someone who treats me with tender loving care and devotion. Having been with men who treated me like your husband treats you, I am smart enough to know that I have a wonderful person in my life and I treat him with respect, affection and kindness. Your husband can claim that others before you were of little quality (hence his reason for mistrust and abuse; i.e. JUSTIFICATIONS and EXCUSES), but is so intellectually challenged that he can't see a wonderful woman in comparison...and treat her respect, affection and kindness?

I can't tell you what to do, but, given enough time with this person, you may just find yourself here not as a supporter, but a survivor of PTSD.

Good luck and hope this helps....

 

[lovehopepeace]

Thank you circe47 and Eleanor. Especially circe47 for your insight being someone with C-PTSD. I am so tired of him blaming his abuse (he won't call it abuse) on his PTSD. We still have not talked. He keeps trying to engage me. I refuse to talk to him until he acknowledges what he said to me and apologizes. Any thoughts? I have never been with a verbally/emotionally person (other than my own father) so I don't know how to deal with him.

 

[circe47]

Your very welcome Lovehopepeace!

I would say that the fact that he won't acknowledge abuse for what it is makes it somewhat of a problem in getting through to him. Until he realizes that name calling is verbal/emotional abuse, he is not going to apologize. Suffice it to say, if the abuse ever turns physical, he will most likely not recognize that for what it is either. It will be because (and I love this) you MADE him do it....as if you have some sort of superpower over his mind and self control.

I have the same issue with my abusers. They don't think they've done anything wrong. My mother had to slap/pinch/whip and emotionally invalidate me....because of my bad behavior as a child. She fails to realize it was her responsibility as the adult to recognize my bad behavior for what it was....acting out. That my acting out was because I lacked the experience and vocabulary to articulate that I was being bullied mercilessly by my peers on a daily basis and was being sexually abused by multiple adults. How does a small child know and talk about such things? Her response to my acting out was to compound my problems by punishing me. So, she feels justified by her behavior then, and is in complete and utter denial now.

I suppose my mother's denial, and your husband's, are products of not being able to face their monstrous actions towards others. In reflecting on times I when I have been hurtful to the people I love, I feel terrible...and apologize; as any person with an ounce of compassion is prone to do. They (my mother and your husband) don't have the strength of character to do the same.

 

[lovehopepeace]

So true - he ALWAYS says I made him do it. I don't know how he twists it all around. It's like an art form for him. I'm so sorry about your traumatic childhoold. Mine wasn't much better. I was spanked/beaten with a belt a lot and my dad was and still is verbally/emotionally abusive. It just blows my mind that he doesn't realize he did anything wrong. But I know that's what's going on. Peace.

 

[celia]

Oh lovehopepeace,
I know what you are feeling. I was also accused of cheating....have only been faithful honest and dedicated to him. This is really crossing a boundary and it felt as though my dignity was being taken away from me when he did this. I also experience how they turn it around on us in a clever way and we can never argue back because they don't see anything or compromise. I feel for you so much because I know its like living a nightmare when you love someone and they turn on you. Take care of yourself!

 

[circe47]

Good for you Lovehopepeace!

Knowing what's going on helps with not feeling that you are to blame, and that there is nothing wrong with your thinking.

I think it's such a shame that too often parents don't realize that they are responsible for shaping their children's views of themselves and how they react to any given situation. It is no surprise to me now why I felt about myself the way I did for so long, and allowed two men to abuse me over the course of nearly twenty years. These two men physically/sexually/mentally abused me....but as long as they said "I love you", it wasn't a problem....right?

It's taken almost ten years of therapy and a lot of looking back into my childhood to gain the clarity I have now as far as what is abuse and what isn't, and how it is that people become enmeshed in abusive relationships.

Take care and don't hesitate to ask if you have a question....:)

 

[circe47]

The first man who abused me used to say all women were wh***s. He said they all cheated. He never accused me of cheating, but worried constantly that I would. He also called me fat a**s, lard a**s, and other choice names. He hit me, tried to strangle me, fired a gun off in my direction. He held me down and hit me in the mouth, hit me upside the head, shoved me off the bed and into a wall. I hit the wall so hard I broke the outlet with my back.

Throughout our relationship, I never lied or cheated. I adored him, I gave the relationship 150% and prayed that he would change. He never did. So, after all of his abuse, I finally got to the point where I didn't love him anymore. We broke up a few times, during which he stalked me and would not leave me alone, begged me to take him back. I did because I felt sorry for him.

Then, his prophecy came true. During the death throes of our on/off last few weeks of relationship, I spent the night with another guy. I find it ironic and sort of telling that over time, we start to believe and act upon what others call us and believe of us to be...even as a adults.

I hate to say it, but I sort of see it as all bets being OFF when one person in the relationship is abusive towards the other. The abuser does not deserve one iota of devotion and consideration. Now, I'm not saying it's wise to do something that can cause an abuser to become violent, but never feel that you owe them anything other than what they deserve.....life living alone to contemplate what it means to be a human being.