I've lived with dissociation my whole life....

[Taylor437]

I'm 33 now. There's never been a moment I wasn't spacey save a few moments when I was 22 and having flashbacks of my father and grandfather sexually abusing me, and was crying and shaking profusely just for a few moments. I don't see the point anymore. Or rather I tell myself there's a point, but that's quickly attacked by the deeper truth that I am f*cked up really bad and there doesn't seem to be any progress at all. There is nothing worthwhile in my life and I don't feel anything. I have nightmares and wake up and immediately think of suicide. I've called the hotline many times in the past few months and have cried and tried to get in touch and just can't come down from this hypervigilant spaceiness.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Do I need medical weed? Do I need to go to Peru and try ayahuasca? I can't stay employed because of anxiety and I hate authority and I can't find a job worth getting up for. I hate knoxville TN. I hate it because this is where I last spoke to my family before we couldn't talk anymore because of the lies and them calling me crazy and me wanting to kill them all for f*cking me up without taking any responsibility. It's been 7 years since I've seen my brother. We can't talk because I can't bare to be dissociated and have him look at me anymore. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed of being numb. I hate myself and I've never felt any different.

 

[desiderata310]

No. You don't need hotlines. You need honestly to go therapy. Period.

 

[FireSign8]

My screen name appears to be missing. So I will tell you that I am FireSign 8. I am a female who is about to be 64 years of age & the pain you feel is real. With time & learning to love yourself (in spite of the abusers), that "shame" will lessen & you will someday come to understand that your abusers actually dumped their own shame on you. This is where some therapy is helpful because it can assist you in re-educating your brain to think in terms of the HERE & NOW instead of the THEN.

I survived & never learned how to properly cope with the abuse my family members & other sick predatory animals heaped on me until I was well past the age of 40! I spent a lifetime of hell always trying to fit in, be normal & keep my mouth shut. My Mother never did say she was sorry, but she finally did tell me she loved me. She also suffered abuse & doctors overmedicated her to the point of numbness. My Father preferred to use alcohol, just as his Father did. I decided to break the cycle of abuse & read everything I could to understand my fractured thinking & where it started & how could I fix it.

Yes, it is very f*cked up that people do these things to their children. It is a learned behavior. You must now unlearn what your abusers taught you. You must learn how to re-parent yourself & stop punishing yourself when little things in daily life make you want to throw yourself off of a bridge or slit your wrists, or whatever else plays in the brain of an abused person. I was always beaten & locked in a closet if I spilled my milk. I can look back & laugh because I have a milk allergy & it was nature's way of protecting me from a toxic substance!

I had to learn how not to hate myself when I made mistakes in my adult life. Although I rarely ever spill anything, when I do, I can still hear my Mother yelling at me & telling me that it was my fault that she was going to have to punish me again. I have to tell myself that it's fine & she can never hurt me again. I don't think I will ever forgive her transgressions against me, but I have grown to accept the fact that she did the best she could within the scope of her limited knowledge & societal boundaries making women soft targets for abuse, shame & victimization. I suspect men have a much more difficult time due to much of society telling them to "suck it up & take it like a man"!

Substances are a temporary fix. Yes, they can get a person through a week, month, or year...but eventually, our skewed thinking & disorganized brains will need some type of professional help or at least a patient healer or shaman to help us put some of those demons we carry off into a corner until we can find them a home that isn't on or in our brains & bodies. If this sounds familiar, it is because I know what it is like to be on overload with no one to talk to about it. If you have ties in Peru, it might be worth the trip if you can afford it. Connecting with nature is healing. Just be safe & follow protocol when dealing with the laws of other countries.:hug:

 

[Taylor333]

Thank you. I've been in therapy for over 7 years and I quit going. I started screaming at my therapist. I couldn't take it anymore, or hold in the rage. It was too much to just sit there and nod while I was given worksheets on cognitive restructuring and suggested medications. Therapists don't know what the f*ck they're doing. Maybe there are some, but I'm only going to ones that use psychedelics from now on. I do know one thing about trauma: when it's locked up, it takes something powerful to break it loose. There's no point going into see someone that thinks I can just talk. My problem is in feelings, not speaking.

And I'm trying to get my ass to Peru. It's hard not giving a shit anymore, and at the same time, telling myself that a shaman could help. I don't want to lie to myself anymore about how good things are going to be.