Jumper

[alienplantnapper]

Am i suicidal?..
Yesterday after therapy i almost impulsively bought a gun. I never wanted to keep a gun. I dont like them. I wouldn't shoot other ppl.
While i was thinking about it, i considered that if i were standing atop a fairly tall building and decided to Jump, the gun would help make sure that i wasn't just left freakishly alive after a jump, just in case.
I think about it almost every day.
Often impulsively. But sometimes quite considerably and logically.
I dont want to be this anymore.
I don't want to do this to other ppl anymore and im just tired.
How do ppl exist with this once its got you. Once its changed you.
When youre losing who you are.
When you're not good for other people.
When you're not good for yourself.
I don't wanna think about dying for 20 yrs.
I couldnt deal with shit that long.
I rarely know what i feel anymore.
I mean i feel most emotions all at the same time or just...sleepy and heavy.
I don't feel like im gonna go jump a cliff tonight,..
But i definitely think about jumping it at some point.
What do you do with that?

 

[Freida]

What do you do with that

You go get help. You come talk to us here. You call a crisis line. You call a friend and be honest with them. You go see your doc and get some good meds

There are lots of things to do....you just have to ask...

 

[EveHarrington]

How do we exist....?

By putting one foot in front of the other and taking baby steps.

No, it’s not easy, but healing is very much possible.

Hugs.

 

[joeylittle]

I think about it almost every day.
Often impulsively. But sometimes quite considerably and logically.

You asked if you were suicidal. It sounds like you are experiencing very heavy and chronic suicidal ideation. This would be a potentially dangerous time for you, and I really am glad you came here to write about it. Talking about it helps release a little bit of the pressure to act on the thoughts.

There's a thing that can happen, with suicidal ideation - the longer it persists, the more tempting it becomes to walk closer and closer to where you think 'the line' is. Whatever you imagine as being the threshold between life and death. Being temped to buy a gun, is that kind of impulse. If you can, when you get thoughts like these, try and turn your attention onto something else. It can be hard to find distractions that really work, especially when severely depressed - but do you have some that you know work for you? Writing them down here might help, and people could give you other ideas, too.

Do you currently see a psych or therapist?

 

[alienplantnapper]

You asked if you were suicidal. It sounds like you are experiencing very heavy and chronic suicidal...

I see a therapist and a psychiatrist and am prescribed medication.
A few months back i relapsed pretty hard and i planned suicide and was emotionally irrational to the extent that i was in the psych hospital for a few days. I knew they'd try to keep me if i told them i really wanted to kill myself so i told them that i thought about it but didn't really want to die.
I don't think any ofus want death to seen like the only option, but now it just seems reasonable.
Im not who i was,
Im not better for anyone else as i am now,
I don't want to become known as this thing..
I want to be remembered how i once was.
Fighting every day is exhausting.
Talking to ppl too much becomes burdensome and annoying.
If i go sooner than later,ppl will remember me more as who i was
And no constant fighting to get through the hours.
Logically it seems better for everyone.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible that you need A med re-evaluation? Maybe a med change?

 

[alienplantnapper]

I guess its possible.
I hate having to take meds.

 

[EveHarrington]

Meds can indeed suck....I know that all too well. But, being on the right meds can make a world of difference.

 

[Mee]

I guess its possible.
I hate having to take meds.

Me too, but nevertheless it's how it is.

My meds have positives. They keep the driver who delivers then to me in a job. And contribute to the jobs of the people at the independent pharmacist who packet them for me.

That feeling of not being ’useful’ or as good as we used to be is pretty desperte. But you talk about being remembered as you were; so you have people in your life.

I only have one really and in my times of suicide ideation he has made it very clear it would not be preferable to him.

I urge you to contact your therapist/ psych to talk about maybe trying something else that might help more. In these worst moments.

I hesitate to offer something so very silly, but on my very worst days if I cannot just lie in a ball, I listen to a poem called start close in, read by the poet David whyte. It's on you tube.

 

[LilyRose]

i have these feelings too. right now it feels like the only way out of this mess... thoughts pop up everywhere and everyday... it scares me because it feels like its getting closer and closer... but its not what i really want.
Know that it WILL stop one day... there will always be sunshine after rain. we just need help to find it again.

 

[Deleted member 46276]

Am i suicidal?..
Yesterday after therapy i almost impulsively bought a gun. I never wanted to...

In my opinion, guns are bad news for anyone that isn't shooting targets. All it takes is a pull with one finger and they can do more damage than the best made sword. Not that guns are bad on their own, but they are powerful