QueenPhina
New Here
:cool: Hi there!
So I'm new here & wanted to reach out with a quick little something about me. I was diagnosed with PTSD in my teenage years when seeking counseling help. My PTSD is the result of multiple different types of "traumas" or "events" that occurred over the time span of several years. Primarily I struggle with the aftermath of being molested by both schoolmates and a family member, and rape by a neighbor. I also struggled with S.I. for years before therapy but since greatly reduced it (I wish I could say stopped, but there are very rare slip ups).
I began therapy when I was 16 and it lasted just shy of a year because I relocated in the middle of treatment. My therapy consisted of being coaxed by a middle aged man in a small room to open up about the awkward sexual encounters I'd had, my insecurities, frustrations and other emotions and "behavioral problems" as a result. Needless to say, I never fully "opened up" and thus, I don't think I gained as much as I could have, (although I appreciated certain things later as I applied some suggestions).
The reason I got into therapy wasn't very good. I only went in order to stay out of trouble. What I mean by that stems from the day I was referred to counseling/therapy. I'd been living in a fog for what felt like forever, everything was always.. there.. but nothing else. Nothing had life. I was standing still and everyone and everything moved around me. I could scream and no one would hear. I had classic depression. So instead of walking to school one morning, I found myself walking to the doctor to tell someone about these numb empty feelings I was having. They were nice, referring me to this clinic, and even called a shuttle for me and everything. I don't really remember the ride over I was so blank. :bag:
I just spilled everything out to this lady who had spoken to the other doctor :cry: - I just felt depressed. I didn't want to go to school (the neighbor who raped me was a teenage boy who rode my bus), I hadn't told my parents that I'd been molested multiple times, and the depression was leading to self infliction and suicidal thoughts. Well, my "reach for help" turned into multiple therapy sessions, and my honesty into the details of my S.I. at the time backfired in my face (or so I thought at that point in time). Suddenly I was a "suicide risk" and anyone who has ever been labeled that knows how annoying it can be. Suddenly I have this schedule of therapy and medication and this man I'm supposed to talk to about all my negative sexual encounters with men. (lol). :laugh:
The reason for the therapy back-story is because while I do have a history of therapy, I did and didn't gain things from it. For one, my parents suddenly had to be involved (obviously, but they were split and my dad in another state). This was annoying because they always would be notified if I ever did S.I. (when I would actually admit to it to counselor), and now that I'm thinking about it, I went looking for help at that time because I was physically hurting myself - that's what I wanted help with, because I knew harming myself wasn't right/good. But getting help with that meant opening up about all these memories and sexual experiences I blocked out. And I wasn't ready for that or something. :banghead: I just wanted to stop hurting myself. But I guess I wasn't ready or prepared to talk about the other stuff, even though I knew it stemmed from all that.
Some of my experiences are as simple as a young classmate groping me in class, but also consist of being groped and molested by an uncle, groped inside of a mental health hospital where I was supposed to focus on getting better, of course the rape by the teenage boy, and being forced to perform fellatio by my at-the-time "bf" (which was my first experience ever). It really just starts to feel like I can't trust anyone because they always have some sort of hidden agenda and secret motive to start groping me and sometimes I just feel so fu*ked in the head. Like, when I think in my teenage years, or from 9 yrs old - 16 yrs old, there was always someone there just fu*king with me - some teacher or classmate or family member or "friend", or whoever. :(
The good thing about the therapy I did retain was that it really did end up helping me with my S.I., even though I got myself thrown in a mental health hospital in the process. And then molested inside of there. But I learned to love myself enough to not blame myself anymore, which means I don't need to torture and harm myself anymore with razorblades and lighters. I don't create artwork with my blood anymore. It was a long road, with a lot of hospitals in between, but I'm S.I. free today. Now I'm longing for more help with the root of my S.I., which is my PTSD, which stems from all this messed up history of sexual abuse.
A good portion of the reason I really want to confront these deep issues and really continue to heal and improve the quality of my life by decreasing the amount of triggers is because I'm in a 7-year relationship with the love of my life. My bf and I met my senior year of high school, after the attempted therapy, when I relocated to TX to live with my dad and "start over". My S.I. was a distant memory and being in a new place made me feel like anything was possible, even becoming the girl "I knew I was" - the girl without PTSD, the girl who didn't need to S.I.
Our teenage love blossomed, and for the first time I found myself experiencing a desire for intimacy - and in this desire I uncovered what seemed like acreage of hidden land mines - all these sexual frustrations and problems "performing". A sea of triggers for my PTSD. It was like, well, I'll just dig my grave now... lol. The battle began; the battle to uncover my own sexual identity, the battle to try and not let all the negative experiences and memories take over me. I want a healthy relationship. I'm beyond lucky, but blessed, to have someone who actually cares and attempts to understand me. I don't have many people that really do that.
I'm looking for support, for a place I can go when I have those triggers that not many others around me can relate to, and therefore causes me to feel isolated, lonely ... and depressed. Depression isn't good; because of that whole S.I. thing I explained. It really helps to know you're not alone, ya know? And since I'm not currently in therapy I needed a place to be able to vent about everyday triggers, and read about other people's situations. Who knows, maybe I can find a few friends as well in the process. :)
Thanks to all who stuck through reading all the above. I'm looking forward to utilizing this site.
So I'm new here & wanted to reach out with a quick little something about me. I was diagnosed with PTSD in my teenage years when seeking counseling help. My PTSD is the result of multiple different types of "traumas" or "events" that occurred over the time span of several years. Primarily I struggle with the aftermath of being molested by both schoolmates and a family member, and rape by a neighbor. I also struggled with S.I. for years before therapy but since greatly reduced it (I wish I could say stopped, but there are very rare slip ups).
I began therapy when I was 16 and it lasted just shy of a year because I relocated in the middle of treatment. My therapy consisted of being coaxed by a middle aged man in a small room to open up about the awkward sexual encounters I'd had, my insecurities, frustrations and other emotions and "behavioral problems" as a result. Needless to say, I never fully "opened up" and thus, I don't think I gained as much as I could have, (although I appreciated certain things later as I applied some suggestions).
The reason I got into therapy wasn't very good. I only went in order to stay out of trouble. What I mean by that stems from the day I was referred to counseling/therapy. I'd been living in a fog for what felt like forever, everything was always.. there.. but nothing else. Nothing had life. I was standing still and everyone and everything moved around me. I could scream and no one would hear. I had classic depression. So instead of walking to school one morning, I found myself walking to the doctor to tell someone about these numb empty feelings I was having. They were nice, referring me to this clinic, and even called a shuttle for me and everything. I don't really remember the ride over I was so blank. :bag:
I just spilled everything out to this lady who had spoken to the other doctor :cry: - I just felt depressed. I didn't want to go to school (the neighbor who raped me was a teenage boy who rode my bus), I hadn't told my parents that I'd been molested multiple times, and the depression was leading to self infliction and suicidal thoughts. Well, my "reach for help" turned into multiple therapy sessions, and my honesty into the details of my S.I. at the time backfired in my face (or so I thought at that point in time). Suddenly I was a "suicide risk" and anyone who has ever been labeled that knows how annoying it can be. Suddenly I have this schedule of therapy and medication and this man I'm supposed to talk to about all my negative sexual encounters with men. (lol). :laugh:
The reason for the therapy back-story is because while I do have a history of therapy, I did and didn't gain things from it. For one, my parents suddenly had to be involved (obviously, but they were split and my dad in another state). This was annoying because they always would be notified if I ever did S.I. (when I would actually admit to it to counselor), and now that I'm thinking about it, I went looking for help at that time because I was physically hurting myself - that's what I wanted help with, because I knew harming myself wasn't right/good. But getting help with that meant opening up about all these memories and sexual experiences I blocked out. And I wasn't ready for that or something. :banghead: I just wanted to stop hurting myself. But I guess I wasn't ready or prepared to talk about the other stuff, even though I knew it stemmed from all that.
Some of my experiences are as simple as a young classmate groping me in class, but also consist of being groped and molested by an uncle, groped inside of a mental health hospital where I was supposed to focus on getting better, of course the rape by the teenage boy, and being forced to perform fellatio by my at-the-time "bf" (which was my first experience ever). It really just starts to feel like I can't trust anyone because they always have some sort of hidden agenda and secret motive to start groping me and sometimes I just feel so fu*ked in the head. Like, when I think in my teenage years, or from 9 yrs old - 16 yrs old, there was always someone there just fu*king with me - some teacher or classmate or family member or "friend", or whoever. :(
The good thing about the therapy I did retain was that it really did end up helping me with my S.I., even though I got myself thrown in a mental health hospital in the process. And then molested inside of there. But I learned to love myself enough to not blame myself anymore, which means I don't need to torture and harm myself anymore with razorblades and lighters. I don't create artwork with my blood anymore. It was a long road, with a lot of hospitals in between, but I'm S.I. free today. Now I'm longing for more help with the root of my S.I., which is my PTSD, which stems from all this messed up history of sexual abuse.
A good portion of the reason I really want to confront these deep issues and really continue to heal and improve the quality of my life by decreasing the amount of triggers is because I'm in a 7-year relationship with the love of my life. My bf and I met my senior year of high school, after the attempted therapy, when I relocated to TX to live with my dad and "start over". My S.I. was a distant memory and being in a new place made me feel like anything was possible, even becoming the girl "I knew I was" - the girl without PTSD, the girl who didn't need to S.I.
Our teenage love blossomed, and for the first time I found myself experiencing a desire for intimacy - and in this desire I uncovered what seemed like acreage of hidden land mines - all these sexual frustrations and problems "performing". A sea of triggers for my PTSD. It was like, well, I'll just dig my grave now... lol. The battle began; the battle to uncover my own sexual identity, the battle to try and not let all the negative experiences and memories take over me. I want a healthy relationship. I'm beyond lucky, but blessed, to have someone who actually cares and attempts to understand me. I don't have many people that really do that.
I'm looking for support, for a place I can go when I have those triggers that not many others around me can relate to, and therefore causes me to feel isolated, lonely ... and depressed. Depression isn't good; because of that whole S.I. thing I explained. It really helps to know you're not alone, ya know? And since I'm not currently in therapy I needed a place to be able to vent about everyday triggers, and read about other people's situations. Who knows, maybe I can find a few friends as well in the process. :)
Thanks to all who stuck through reading all the above. I'm looking forward to utilizing this site.
