Relationship Just A Vent On My Sufferer's History

[Hojay]

@tiredtexan, yes, it's been a rocky road drawing a line and keeping boundaries when he dips his toe in verbal/emotional abuse. As it stands, he knows I will not stand for any types of verbal abuse, no matter how triggered. He was not aware how abusive he can get (he blocks a lot of things out,) but now that he's aware, he is taking major steps to correct his behavior. It took me a moment, but what cracked the nut was not talking or discussing the boundary, but actually enforcing it stone cold. It worked.

What I mean by condoning in this context is not so much verbal abuse, but the anger I feel when he lets himself wallow in his history and pain. The self pity I often see. It makes me furious. So it's about adjusting my attitude to make more allowances for that versus condoning self pity and wallowing by essentially letting him do that. If that makes sense....

However, I am certainly struggling with my own anger and needs that are unmet. I think just talking to others about it may be helpful, since with PTSD partners I feel like you have to have an intimate support system outside the relationship.

Yes this very much resonates. Unmet needs, paired with compassion, paired with anger, paired with complete lack of control over the situation and it's one heck of a confusing situation. A support system is essential. I have a therapist now, as I learned that most friends do not understand enough about PTSD to give informed advice.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

How does he respond when you answer like that?



Any coping mechanisms for this? I feel guilty when...

Sometimes he reacts ok, sometimes badly. I find that firm, clear choices are helpful. For example, all the times my SO has said he's "done" with me but then still wants to engage in a fight, I clearly create two choices -- either you are ready to talk and you will be respectful, or you need space and I will not talk to you for awhile.

But honestly, there's no predicting the reaction. I find that being honest and consistent helps more for me to deal than for him.

My main coping mechanism is to remind myself, over and over again, that this is a brain injury. People treat it differently than other brain malfunctions/issues, and I think because PTSD is experienced or learned, people can't wrap their head around it. You would be frustrated with your partner's behavior if they acted erratically, for example, after a concussion, but you would understand. It would be hard to work with a partner who was partially deaf if you had miscommunication issues, but you would understand. Both are because of the brain.

My own partner, besides the PTSD, has a major issue with his vision. I would never dream of getting upset at him if he couldn't do something or needed extra accommodations for this disability... but part of that is that my whole life, I've been prepared to react to people who are vision impaired, but the stigma for PTSD is so huge.

I just have to remind myself, over and over again, that it's not helpful to argue with him because at times when he's dealing with hypervigilance/avoidance/rage, he is literally short-circuiting. He has a brain injury.

That's how I cope... not sure if that's helpful.

 

[dulcia]

I just have to remind myself, over and over again, that it's not helpful to argue with him because at times when he's dealing with hypervigilance/avoidance/rage, he is literally short-circuiting. He has a brain injury.

VERY helpful, thank you.

He was not aware how abusive he can get (he blocks a lot of things out,) but now that he's aware, he is taking major steps to correct his behavior.

And he became aware through therapy? Or..?

I appreciate the insight. My partner is slowly starting to take steps to attempt to manage his PTSD through the VA again (after many failed previous attempts). I'm starting to recognize my role in the matter and how, frankly, I have been more hurting than helpful the last few months.

 

[Hojay]

And he became aware through therapy? Or..

Yes, through therapy but also rigorous boundary setting on my part. In the early stages, when I still didn't know much about PTSD and its myriad symptoms, I made the mistake of engaging and inflaming the situation to the nth degree. I tried to make him understand how unacceptable he was being, wrongly assuming I could reason with him. Well, turns out, I couldn't. The only thing that made that message stick was actually drawing a firm line along the lines of "Someone who verbally abuses me does not have the right to, for example, check up on me and where I'm going, ask personal questions, etc." I was just done with it. The reality of the situation, the disconnect his behavior was causing really hit him hard, and he's been on the road to better self regulation since....

 

[dulcia]

Yes, through therapy but also rigorous boundary setting on my part. In the early stages, when I still did...

As if our engaging fuels the fire. I see it. I'm working on being less provoking during an outburst :) Thanks!

 

[Hojay]

I'm working on being less provoking during an outburst

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm by no means a master of not fueling the fire. I think it's important to toe the line between expressing discontent in the moment and stepping back when things cross the line. It seems enabling to me to just let him go off and retreat. I want and need to be vocal about it when it happens, but fueling the fire means to press on, argue, try to reason, and so on. It's kind of a case-by-case situation, so there's no overall right way to do it other than to know when things have crossed the line for me and cut the thing off firmly.

 

[Tess]

I just came here to vent and I know I will get a lot of criticism from both supporters and sufferers. I d...

I'm going to guess that some of you who have been a part of this group may know if there are support groups for supporters? Anyone know?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Depending on your situation, the VA has some caregiver support. NAMI has some support groups as well.