Just Can't Do This Anymore...

[AmyC]

I'm lying to everyone... I'm just so tired of pretending to be okay. I've kept a smile on me for so long but inside I just feel like I've rotted away to nothing. Why does it have to be so hard to just get out of the bed in the morning? I'm scared of losing to this

I was sexually abused when I was eight. It's been eleven years. I keep trying to tell myself to just get over it, but almost everything is a trigger for me, it seems. Hearing a kid cry, people talking in public places like a cafeteria, even rooms that have childcare colors like red, blue, yellow and green. I don't want to die, I just want to be in so much pain. I feel like he's still at my throat no matter where I am.

I saw my EMDR-T this Monday. I honestly just wanted to run up and hug and cry, but I'm just scared to show that I'm that bad right now. I just can't do it any more. Yea, I can prevent freaking out over flashbacks, but it's so hard seeing it in everything. I just want to give up. I've been lying to him about how I've been...

I feel like I can't reach out to anyone... the two best friends I have are hard to reach, one being at work a lot, the other living to far to be able to just drive and meet. The relationship with my mom, my other support, is gone. I'm so ashamed of myself right now that I just can't speak to her. I've tried to talk to one of my best friends like twice, but he's been busy, and I don't have the guts to just say, I really just need to talk. I don't want to seem desperate for help, but I am. I don't want to die, I just want peace.

I was intimate with my boyfriend for the first time, and I completely blacked out. I don't even remember doing it... I was numb... I'm scared that I'm pregnant... and I've told myself more than once that if I am I'm just going to give up ... I just can't do it anymore.

I've slept through my college Spanish class and my grades have dropped. I very rarely have ever gotten below a 90 on any test in my life. I made a 77 on my Spanish test, and I honestly just didn't care.

People are dying all around me... friends of my family have had people die. Although I didn't know those people directly, I am just so depressed about it... five people in a month...

I have a few minutes of happiness and it just drains away so quickly...
I just don't know what to do...

 

[nimkekaa]

Hi AmyC.

I was wondering if you have looked in the therapy section on this forum about EMDR. A lot of people report an increase in anxiety etc when doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking EMDR. I have done it and it is an amazing tool. What I am saying is that maybe it's some old feelings coming up from the EMDR.

I've been lying to him about how I've been...

I also wonder if maybe your not allowing your therapist to fully help you by not telling him how bad things really are. Maybe your therapist can help with some grounding before and after a session if the EMDR is bringing so much up.

The other thing I wondered is, do you have a safety plan for when you feel like you just can't go on another day?

I don't have a lot of time right now but just remember you are not alone. A lot of people on this forum have felt or are feeling this way. Read through some of the other threads and see if anything they have tried can work for you.

Hugs for you if you need them.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry it is so bad right now. I was reminded of when I was 19 and feeling so much like you, the feeling of rotting inside, the unbearable feelings.

I was going to school in Chicago, but I could never seem to make it to campus. I just walked and walked and walked the streets faster and faster all day long, as if I could outrun my thoughts and the feelings trying to break thru. I couldn't even name them. It was pure terror.

Please take a gamble and talk to your friends. Tell your therapist everything. Don't keep it inside. Find a healthy way to say it all, or as much as feels safe.

It will get better and I am glad you are seeing a therapist I assume you feel good about.

I remember junior year in college some guy telling me transience is the only certainty. It is true. Nothing stays the same unless you don't change, unless you keep doing the same things you've been doing that don't work. Hopefully you and the therapist can start figuring it out.

You are not alone. I have been there. So many of us have, and it's truly awful. But I swear life can be a wonderful thing.

 

[amcen]

AmyC,

So many hours that you wrote your post...

I don't know what you did since yesterday, but if you dont feel better, I am BEGGING you from the deepest of my soul, please call a friend, your therapist, 911, any hotline (1-800-273-8255 for example). Do anything like that, even writing in this forum why not, but please, TALK and SHARE, it is not shyness time anymore. Please do it.

All my heart is with you if you allow it.

 

[ms spock]

I totally relate to how you are feeling. Felt that way for the better part of two months until I dealt with some childhood trauma stuff.

Time to reach out and talk to people.

 

[amcen]

it is not shyness time anymore

The word "shyness" was not appropriate, I used it only to summerize. I meant, it is not shame time anymore, fear of being judged in any way, feeling of guilt or any negative feeling that could stop you from sharing and talk about your tremendous suffering.

Thank you to give us some news when you feel ok with that.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi Amy,

I tried commenting when I first saw your post, but something happened. I really do hope you're feeling better now, but I still wanted to offer some empathy and support!

I am new to PTSD but definitely not to therapy or suicidal thoughts! For me, my crises are always emotional, in part because of my disability, so my thoughts are passive yet still overwhelming. I am also big on keeping personal/professional boundaries, and because I am not in any physical danger, it is very hard to ask my therapist for help when I am really struggling. (she is my main emotional support other than a few close friends). I've needed her more in the past few months due to recent events, and have gotten better at reaching out to her, but oftentimes doing so doesn't feel "right" or "appropriate". For example, during my session this week, I was trying so hard to resist asking her to hold my hand, but I eventually broke down and did so. She responding by saying she doesn't try to read my mind, so I need to let her know when I need extra support. (it felt very comforting by the way, at least for the moment).

Something you said really stood out to me:

I'm just so tired of pretending to be okay

I pretend I'm fine when I'm not all the time! I let my competent self-advocate hide what's going on all the time. My point in saying this is I only feel worse as time goes on and things build up, then I eventually explode and have a meltdown. My therapist is there to support me when no one else can, but how can she be there when I hide from her and myself by pretending to be strong and "fine"? I won't lie, asking for help is very hard for many of us here, but we become stronger in the end. We may feel week, small, and alone when we hide our feelings, and even though we feel may feel safer hiding, in the end, that's the weakness, not the negative feelings or needing the help! Your therapist can't help you unless you let him, and being alone doesn' get you anywhere or make you feeling any better, so what's the worst that could happen by asking? I promise it's worth doing in the long and short-term!

Sending hugs and support!

~Holly

 

[Whitneys story]

Amy Welcome to the Forum. We are not professionals but can relate!

Take your time and write when you can. We understand the pain and fear. You are not alone, and it is safe here! Hug's if you accept them. Whitney

 

[.Bubbles.]

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Like others said, it's time to reach out.:) It's hard and it might be the last thing you want to do. But you've started by posting here.

Sorry I don't have many words. I just wanted to let you know I've heard you. When you're feeling like it's the end,call a hotline or emergency services if you think you are in danger. Life can get better I promise.