Childhood Just Curious.

[Ginja]

I am new and stumbled upon this site while doing some research and it seems to be the best place for my curious.

I am very shy and closed off about personal sexual things. I can make jokes about anything outside of me but as soon as it's about me personally, I shut down. My girlfriend and I have a counselor and during our last session she brought up how she is sexually frustrated with how short our interactions are. Though during the session I was constantly visually uncomfortable and moving in my side and even at one point circled in my spot like a dog about to lay down. I didn't stop them from talking because I knew she needed to talk about it and didn't want to take that away from her. Though this was the first time my sexy life was ever talked about outside of a relationship(Even in the relationship it has been extremely difficult to talk about it). On the way home I wasn't talking and felt completely different. I didn't want to talk, or touch my girlfriend. I tried and it just felt wrong to touch her. Once we got home I couldn't give her mom a hug to say goodbye and thank you for watching our daughter. We had plans to visit her aunt and I couldn't leave to go with her. Right before she left she said she was worried because she's heard things and my behavior matched people who had been sexually abused or something close to it. I looked at her like she was crazy and she left with our daughter and her brother. While I was home alone I was thinking about it and I had two memories of touching two younger boys and trying to get them to touch me when I was little. This memory devastated me. I remember being secretive and making sure no one was around to catch us. The first one I only remember it was before 4th grade and the boy was much younger than me. He dad walked it but didn't catch us doing anything. The second I want to say I was around 10 or so, but that could be very wrong, and I was asked to watched the neighbors son while they spent time with my mom at our house. While I was watching him, I got him to lay on his bed and play with himself and touch him trying to show him it felt good and get him to "return the favor". I used his hand to touch me but after he started pulling away I stopped. Then when I was a teen I let my best friend's dog mount me, while he was outside. And getting aroused while reading about children being victims of sexual abuse(reading that this was an indication, hit very close to home for me. I had many thoughts of suicide because of the reaction is have. I felt so sick with myself for having such a reaction. What kind of disturbing sick person could ever have that reaction to a child being treated like?) After research I found that having very little memory of your childhood and doing such acts could be a result of sexual abuse or such related acts. I have no memory of anyone ever doing anything to me or the fear of certain places, the person I get nervous or uncomfortable around. I have few things of the checklists I have found. But I have to ask myself why in the world would I have done those things. And I don't have any interests or desires to continue those types of acts. The session we had was on Tuesday and I still can't be touched. I took a shower and had to leave clothes on because I couldn't look at myself otherwise. And when washing myself I almost cried because of the feeling I had when I felt my hands touching me.

We have another appointment this Tuesday but I can't stop thinking about all of this. I am curious of anyone else's thoughts or if anyone has experienced this type of behavior.

Thank you for your time.

 

[joeylittle]

@Ginja - there's a lot in what you wrote, and I bet it was hard to put it out here.

Is it possible for you to start seeing a therapist of your own, and sooner rather than later? I am wondering if the person you and your girlfriend are currently seeing might have the right qualifications to do individual therapy - or, if they can give you a referral, so that you could have an easier time of finding someone, rather than starting from scratch.

Understanding our pasts is very hard - sometimes, the best way to go about it really is to let someone else ask the questions, and put the pieces together, so you can just focus on remembering, without worrying about whether or not you are matching a set of behaviors that are predictors for abuse.

How long have you and your girlfriend been together?

 

[Ginja]

Thank you for replying Joey.

Yeah you could say that. I'm not very open to begin with, but nothing has been on my mind like this before. And after reading what others have been through it was alittle easier to actually get myself to say all of that.

Well my girlfriend will be present for all of it because we plan to get married and she is the mother of our daughter. I don't want her in the dark for any of this. She has been very understanding so far. I know it's only been a couple days but still. I took it much worse than she did.

We have been together for 3 years.

 

[joeylittle]

That's fine for your girlfriend to be present; but remember, you are allowed your own space to work on things that are specific to you, as well.

It's good that you are here, starting to get this stuff out.

 

[Ginja]

Yeah, I understand. And I would but there have been too many things come up in our relationship. And I really don't see myself just getting over the feeing I have, and the biggest thing. I really don't want to go through this alone. Especially after our sessions now. She may have to drive home.

I agree. It was too much just letting my thoughts bounce around in my head. I am a pretty big over thinker and sometimes it's too much for me to handle.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm so sad for you, Ginja. What a terrible burden to bear! :(

I really hope you can find a good therapist and get comfortable enough to get treatment on your own. I can appreciate that you don't want to hide anything from your girlfriend, but you might be able to work through this more smoothly without having to think about what she's feeling. It's not a matter of keeping her in the dark. You're free to tell her anything you want.

I hope you're able to unload the shame that you've had to carry for all these years. Good luck to you!

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree with the others-----an individual therapist who specializes in trauma is the way to go.

Honestly I don't know of any trauma treatment modalities that specifically involve the partner. They are pretty much one on one therapy.

Marriage/couples/sex therapy is different and yes of course you'd want to do that with your partner.

But a partner involved in all of trauma therapy? A major hindrance and I'd actually be shocked if you could find a trauma therapist who allowed a partner there for (the bulk of) treatment.

Note------this is trauma therapy for potential CSA. It is very, very different from sex therapy.


Adding-------

You actually don't want your partner there when you're discussing your trauma. This can cause PTSD like symptoms in a partner. Partners are not trained to be able to handle the nitty gritty just plan ugly things that happen in CSA. If they are burdened by your pain, they are less effective at supporting.

I'm concerned about your boundaries. Strong boundaries are essential to healing PTSD/trauma issues IMHO. Separation is good-----complete co-mingling leads to codependency and codependency will indeed hinder healing.

 

[ghotiff]

I agree with the above, you need your own T to sort through your feelings, and you need to see them on your own. If your partner can't accept this then that's a red flag in the relationship.

 

[mary1979]

Maybe get your girlfriend to read this before making any choices about individual or couple therapy.

I think you will find she will agree that you'll need time alone with a therapist to work on it.
She may even choose to hold your hand through the hard part (telling all this to a therapist) if you feel you cant do that alone and then let you be alone at later appointments.

Hugs to you and your gf, and I just wanted to point out that your 'endurance' during sex is not at all unique. A large percentage of guys work that way, its pretty normal.
There are also plenty of ways to accommodate.
The therapist and your gf should already have reassured you of this though, I think they were pretty bloody insensitive to talk like that without addressing your feelings as well.

 

[Ginja]

@Mal Content The thing is my life was very sheltered( outside of those things). I thought I had a happy life. My parents didn't fight, I got along with my oldest sister, and I didn't fight very often with my middle sister. It wasn't until my nephews dad passed away that my bubble "popped"(He has been the only person very close to me to pass away, and I was 22 when he did), my eyes were opened to see just who my family was. I didn't hear 1 positive thing come from my parents. I realized I rarely, if ever , saw my parents be effectionic towards each other, that my mom telling me about cheating on my dad as if I was a friend was actually upsetting, especially how she told me some times. I didn't know how to tell her to stop talking to me about it because we were so close, I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Between that and how she treated my girlfriend I stopped talking to her. My sisters and dad without saying it took her side. Their actions and how they explained my mom's side and the little consideration they took to how I was feeling let me know. (My sisters knew about my mom, and found out recently my dad has his suspicions). They are all I had, it's just the 5 of us, the rest of the family lives on the other side of the country. And I feel them all being on one side against me no matter how many times I try to get passed, and over what my mom has told me. I just can't shake the knot in my stomach. My girlfriend came along weeks before my nephews dad passed and we started really talking just there after. She's been through everything with me. So as @EveHarrington said about co-dependency, I think I've already started that, and made it very strong. She's been the only one there on my side through all of this.

And @EveHarrington, I definitely wasn't thinking about how bad it'd be for her. And she has very strong feeling about CSA, but that fact that I can't remember anything just confuses me so much. But she says she remembers when she was 3 yrs old. I can't remember anything before 1 grade. I was born in Maryland, and moved to Florida before where we live now. We moved here when I started first grade at 5 I believe and have no memory of either state or how we got to the current state we live. I don't even remember moving into the house we lived. That's when she thinks something happened, before I moved here.

@mary1979 Our conserlor talked about ways, and gave us a packet on some advice type stuff. And it wasn't about my feelings, I wanted hers to be heard. It was the most uncomfortable I've ever been, but I just wanted to make sure her feelings were addressed. I didn't think about mine for one second. It didn't matter how uncomfortable I got, what mattered to me was her feelings. I had no idea it was going to affect me that bad. But I've never been pushed that far before, and we think that's what sparked those memories.

 

[Ginja]

Also last night I told my girlfriend about the dog, she only knew about the two boys. I was thinking about it all day at work and almost cried 3 times on the way to work and around 6-7 while at work. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told her how bad I feel about all this and that even if nothing did happened to me to cause these acts why would I have done them. And I told her my worse fear is that those two boys grow up with that memory blocked and have issues because of it. Because I didn't even have to touch them to cause damage. She stopped me and said "Do you hear how good your heart sounds? You don't care if something happened to you, you are worried what comes from those two boys. You aren't a bad person." And I didn't think of it that way before. I'm glad she saw that, and I want to feel good about it but it still doesn't change what I've done. And yes it is living with the what ifs, I know, it's just this isn't your everyday what ifs. I've read what this kind of stuff does to people, and that's what scares me.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Ginja it sounds like you have a beautiful relationship. Your girlfriend's support is incredible! You have my sympathy and empathy for your family situation. In order to survive, I had to cut myself off from every single member of my family and move away from them. :(

For me, everything comes down to trusting my instincts. If it feels like the right thing to do, then you're right to do it. :)