Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[ms spock]

It is quite appropriate to have periods of depression over this time @Heather. It is an impossible situation on so many levels. You family is not able to support you - because of their guilt from what you went through - and to see your daughter have the same experiences - well I would probably say inappropriate things like your sister out of terrible pain and shame that I could not do more for you - I am really emotionally dysregulated so I don't always say helpful or appropriate things - I mean well. But that is no excuse of course - but sometimes it helps to understand.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I'm not very happy with my sister right now. She told me she had a falling out with one of her friends but knew they still had a solid relationship and that she would be there for her in a crisis.

She can do that for this woman but CAN'T/WON'T do it for her own sister????? How does that make sense?!

 

[ms spock]

If you want I can write out a Self Compassion Mantra for your situation over the next few days. It might help or it might not, but I mean good vibes, profound soothing and TLC.

 

[ms spock]

I am so sorry that your sister can't be there for you right now! I really feel for how lonely and sad that place is right now for you.

Do you understand about attachment disorders @Heather? You are of her heart and her blood - it is so hard to be present with someone you love on a profound level of a sister - when she has such immense suffering as in knowing your own sexual abuse and the sexual abuse of your daughter. I imagine your sister can't sleep much etc at the moment.

And if she fears losing you - if you have had suicidal ideation or had to be in a psych ward - her terror of abandonment would be overwhelming now. She might be out of mind in fear of losing you - but not able to admit this to you or even herself.

And if your family was dysfunctional and you have been played off against each other - and punished for showing solidarity to each other then there are literally neural pathways (fear of punishment from parents) that prevent her being there for you - so hard to understand I know. I still feel so very angry with my siblings sometimes. But we have been set up to fail - and no it is not fair.

But being angry with each other - though totally understandable - is not helpful. And if we are angry we are angry - still learning about this stuff myself.

This is why I am so into the Self Compassion - to learn how to do it for myself.

 

[Heather]

You know what haunts me about this whole thing? What that stupid DCF caseworker said. How she only believes Brianna and Nicole is sexually curious, acting out with boys to proves she's not a lesbian.

The other thing that continues to bother me: is Brianna's dad saying he sees Selena out playing and acting like nothing is wrong, nothing has happened. Going on like life is just fine and dandy? Doesn't that kid have any clue about the damage she has caused. She needs to take responsibility for that. I can just imagine what her mother is telling her.

This reverberates in my head constantly. Can't get rid of it.:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

Also kinda hurt by Brianna's dad. We usually keep in contact about what is going on with the case but he didn't even tell me that Brianna went for the forensic. But I guess I shouldn't take it personally. He's a guy. They deal with things differently. Maybe he's to upset to talk about it.

I just thought we were kinda in this together. Makes me feel all alone. Doesn't feel good.

 

[Heather]

Nicole told me tonight that she stays in her room all the time now because all I do is yell at her. I feel terrible.

I feel out of control with rage and I blow up at her over the smallest things. I am failing her as a mother.

I wish I could be more like Brianna's dad. At least he acts like a grown up. After Tina's car was hit that night, he went outside to try and track down the driver.

I never would've done that. Let her f**king car get smashed is my thought. But even through all this he still tried to help her. That says a lot about his character.

All I see is RED. I vascillate between exploding and crying. I am less and less able to function. My own trauma's seeping into everything I see, feel and do.

I will never forgive myself for failing to protect my daughter. That was my number one job and I didn't do it. How am I supposed to live with that?

 

[Heather]

She was crying, sobbing this morning and didn't want to get on the bus because she'd have to see Selena at school. I didn't know what to do. She's missed so many days. I yelled at her to get out of the car and take the bus.... What kind of mother am I?

I feel like I'm losing the battle to keep my sanity. Visions of driving my car into a tree keep running through my mind.

There's nothing worse for a parent than finding out your daughter's been sexually abused. It's a nightmare I can't wake up from.

BECAUSE IT'S THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION.

 

[ms spock]

With a great deal of difficulty @Heather. But you are not alone with this challenge - many other Mothers and Fathers struggle with it as well. And this is personalisation - feeling it is your fault - when it is not. It is a societal problem.

And failing to forgive yourself to protect your daughter and continuously punish yourself - you can't be there for her as punishing and beating yourself up continuously will me you can't actually be there for her.

 

[ms spock]

Are you hearing the voices still @Heather? It would be much better to go to psychiatric ward than kill yourself - because then you REALLY cannot be there for your daughter.

You are unwell and you can't manage. Time to take a step back and keep yourself alive.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock you are right. I'm not there for her in the way she needs. Too much of my own pain getting in the way of being able to meet her needs.

I try to reassure the best I can. Tell her she will get through this but it doesn't seem to help.

I don't want to do this anymore... It's to hard and painful.

 

[Heather]

Yes, I am still hearing voices. Suicidal feelings are just that, feelings. Don't have plans to act on them just feel very despondent and alone.

 

[ms spock]

What kind of mother am I?

One that is struggling with immense and overwhelming feelings!

I feel like I'm losing the battle to keep my sanity. Visions of driving my car into a tree keep running through my mind.

Okay this is a sign that you are totally overwhelmed. Back to self care basics. You can be there for your daughter more if you take care of yourself and keep yourself alive.

There's nothing worse for a parent than finding out your daughter's been sexually abused.

Yes there is - your daughter could be dead. It is a terrible thing to have happened - and it happened to me for 15 years - and yes I am paying for it now. But my mother just stood by. You are on your daughter's side and you are doing the best you can. None of us are perfect. It is okay to be a failable human being.

It's a nightmare I can't wake up from.BECAUSE IT'S THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION.

No this is not true. It feels like it is true but focussing on this and obsessing on this is not going to help you and it is certainly not going to help your daughter. It will ever so slowly get better - it will take a long time but it is not the end of the world. You are alive and your daughter is alive.

You need to start to get on to your cognitive distortions because they are making your life a nightmare and hellish.

I have total sympathy and compassion for you and what you are going through, but if you focus on those type of negatives and thoughts then you won't be there for your daughter and you are not even there for yourself. You need to slow down and breath and ring your T and get assessed for care for awhile. When you come back you will be better and able to deal with the situation better.