Just Found Out The Details Of My Wife's Rape

[Hooper]

Thanks on the ambien warning. The doctor just gave me 10. It was obvious by his response I wasn't the only one who has seen him for that reason. He made it painless and told me to cut the caffeine intake and sent me on my way. Coming here is not a betrayal. It's been the best thing Ive done. My wife knows all about it except I don't want her to read it.

Desiderata,
Today was a much better day. I think tomorrow will be to. I'll take sleep any way I can get it. I know that most of you have gone through what my wife has and that bothers ME to even though it is not about me. I was going to ask the receptionist for a female doctor but decided to hell with it. Everyone has a Mom, female relatives and some have significant others so I have a hard time understanding why rape is so common.
Next day/Friday
I made my appt with a therapist and it will be at 2 monday. I did not consider you a bitch nor was I bothered by what you said. I had a visceral response to what my wife disclosed and you had the same to my reaction. I needed what you had to say. It actually had elements of a loving response in a strange way. I know how I came across but if we met I think you would actually like me. I am actually getting kind of attached to you and others here. I really did have no where to go and had no idea what I would find. If I were reaching into a barrel of money blindfolded I would have thought I might get a quarter. This barrel is full of $100 bills. Maybe I'm just lucky but as lucky as I have been I can't help but think me and my dumbass might actually be doing something right.

Shimmerz & Lemurlibs,

I do think my experience has a lot to do with how I feel. Sexual predators have a special place in my heart. If you think female rape or attempted rape is underreported I guarantee you male rape is. I wish I had put that guy on the police radar. I plan on forwarding this link to my therapist. Hopefully it will get her up to speed.

Outside of the above ambien has been a disappointment. I'd really like more than 4-5 hours. Each day is seeming to get better. I talked to my wife this morning and I really am disappointed in how poorly I think I am handling this. Ready for the rage to subside. I'll be gone until Sunday but will keep you up to date if I can't sleep which is likely. Thanks again.

 

[shimmerz]

@Hooper, there are very few people who are willing to look at themselves the way that you have in the past couple of days. My hat is off to you. Seriously.

 

[desiderata310]

OH.. yeah.. Ambien was originally developed for pilots. The idea was that you could be functional again in 4 hours (so the pilot could deal with his jet lag and sleep when he had to) so it's in and out of your system fast.
If you want something longer lasting you'll need to ask for it but you might wind up with a "hangover" the next day.

It actually had elements of a loving response in a strange way. I know how I came across but if we met I think you would actually like me. I am actually getting kind of attached to you and others here.

It was certainly meant in a caring way.
You seem ok to me.
Welcome to the forum.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

Whether the lashing was out of concern for me or my wife doesn't matter either. It worked and I greatly appreciate it..

I would have to say that it was most probably out of concern for you both.

Hearing the details must have been as hard for you to hear as they were for your wife to recall. I have relived my ordeal time and again in my head, but actually saying them out loud is another matter. And I applaud you both for getting through that.

I don't have relationships very often, because of the reaction I usually get when I tell boyfriends, suddenly I am back to being treated like the child I was when I was attacked (I still can't bring myself to even type the 'r' word) and your wife is so lucky that you didn't go down that pathway.

The whole process you are now beginning to embark upon - and it is a process - is going to take time, and effort, and most likely a lot more anger, rage and even tears. And from what I've read here, you may need counselling over what happened to you when you were younger.

But the forum is here for both you and your wife to help you through that. As you have seen, the members here don't pull many punches and they will give it to you straight. :)

 

[Kefira]

I can't decide if your verbal ass beating was worse or Kefira's. It really doesn't matter to me. Whether the lashing was out of concern for me or my wife doesn't matter either. It worked and I greatly appreciate it.

Oh gosh, now I have to respond ;). It was out of concern for both of you. For her because obviously I see myself there and all the negative reactions I have encountered when I have trusted someone and told them about my past. And I have had some phenomenally bad reactions from people I was relying on for support, let me tell you. So that's a lot of the reason for the 'verbal ass beating' being as blunt as it was.

But here's where it becomes about you: I'm blunt about things like this because I care. I'm not there, I don't know you, but if I see someone post here and it looks like there's a strong possibility that they're really about to make a mess of things or in the process of doing so I will try to call them out on it. And I will do so very clearly, because there's simply no room to beat around the bush with these things. And if you say it really strongly there's no room for misinterpretation or denial of what's being said, even if it isn't accepted or integrated.

Does that mean I'm always right? Of course not, especially since we have so little in the way of information when we respond to threads. All of us we be totally off the mark sometimes. But frankly I am so heartened that you took all of our opinions and advice and are doing something about it and really examining yourself rather than becoming defensive. Really, one of the main reasons I haven't replied back sooner is that this:

I'm going to take your advice. This has been the best thing to happen to me all week.

FLOORED me. I mean, made me tear up a little after the shock wore off. I honestly expected this thread to go up in flames. That's my own projection and an unfair judgement of you as a person I don't even know. But it's also all too common that people only want their own perceptions validated and things go off the rails quickly when an alternate view is presented. So thank you @Hooper for giving me my weekly dose of faith in humanity. I'm so happy that it looks like you and your wife will be able to move forward together and be stronger for all of this rather than having it be a wedge between you.

 

[scout86]

Sexual predators have a special place in my heart.

Mine too! :devilish::devilish::devilish:

:D

 

[Tinyflame]

I have a hot lunch date, need to mow the grass, find a shrink and get a temporary script for ambien. Today is better than yesterday.. If you need an immature selfish male perspective on any subject let me know. I may be able to provide some insight.

I think under the circumstances @Hooper that's all anyone could hope for. FWIW I don't think you're either (immature or selfish. But it did make me laugh.) When we love someone or they us violations or hurts (even past ones) can bring up a plethora of emotions, whether or not they also recall ones of our own (I'm sorry for what you went through also btw). It's just the nature of love.

But I think what's more important is that you remain being seen as a safe place or sane person in her life. I don't think holding back from her or treating her differently is wise, but stuff takes time to deal with. The focus can get out of perspective if you let it.

Maybe it will enable you to understand your own experiences better and share more openly with her.

Best wishes to you both.

 

[Hooper]

Thanks for all of the responses. I'm getting so many it's hard to keep up.

@Hooper My hat is off to you. Seriously.

I am not giving myself as much credit here. I am looking at myself the way I have for selfish reasons. I want sleep, the rage to stop and to keep my wife. Sometimes weaknesses can be strengths. I knew when the responses came flooding in I had come to the right place. It's getting old I'm sure but thanks.

It was certainly meant in a caring way.
You seem ok to me.
Welcome to the forum.

I hope to get past your ok grade. You are way beyond ok with me.

@notsurewheretoturn
I really don't think I need therapy for what happened to me. I am actually glad it happened. He was a light sexual predator. It could have been far worse. The second person I had sex with I hadn't seen her since high school or college. The next time I saw her was on the news standing next to her mother at the trial of a serial killer who had raped and killed her younger sister not 50 miles from where I lived at the time with my wife. They caught/convicted him but still in my mind that is no form of justice. Putting him to death won't bring anyone back. Although I want justice I don't really believe in it anymore than I do Santa Clause, the Easter bunny or the tooth fairy. I do believe in the boogie man and monsters though.

@Kefira,
You are not the only one who has said something similar as far as being surprised at my reaction. It may surprise you but I'm not a violent person in my opinion. I haven't been in a fight with anyone but my brothers and that was when I was a kid. I felt boxed in a corner with no real options that would not hurt my wife. I thought about just having a conversation with him but think that would do my wife more harm than good and he was probably a sociopath at best. I am not over what I would like to do and may never be. If I did do what I wanted to originally I really don't feel like I owe him any form of an explanation other than karma's a bitch. I am not there anymore thanks to people like you. I really think a lot of my problem on how poorly I handled this was sleep deprivation. I've got an appt at 2 tomorrow where a lot of what I have to say is that I am one of the luckiest people I know. I am going to get over this and things have already gotten a lot better. I slept at least 7 hours last night without ambien. I've also had a lot of productive conversations and time with my wife. I forget who said it but the gist of it was I have already won. They were right. Outside of wanting to beat the hell out of her rapist for some form of justice which as I said above I really don't believe in I do not wish him or mainly his family any ill will. I know that makes no sense but when I went to far and found out who he was I sat there and looked at his family. He has 2 sons and 2 beautiful daughters as well as a wife who he may have date raped as well. I can't imagine if I were him knowing what was in store for his daughters if they came across anyone remotely like him. I know very little else about him except that he doesn't smile. I'm not going to find out either. I am very happy where I am and I wish his family the best. I'll let you and everyone else know how things go tomorrow. Thanks

 

[Deleted member 29760]

I think you have every right to be very angry. I'm sure the core of the issue for you is that you feel the burden of what this guy did because your afraid to have any discussion about sex with your wife because it might trigger her rape. Your sex life is directly impacted by this because you feel you can't communicate your needs or desires without fear of triggering her rape memories. You are deathly afraid of being anything like this guy, so you over compensate by neglecting your own needs (which your needs are totally normal and innocent by the way) and now that you've repressed all of that for the last 20 years, now you feel extremely angry and you want to get the sob that caused all of this. I totally understand why you are so angry right now. It's finally boiling over because you had to carry that burden because of what HE did. Let's be honest, you feel your lack of sex is because of this guy. Who wouldn't be severely angry about this? But guess what? No matter what you do or how bloody you beat him, it's not going to go away like that. It will not solve a damn thing. It will only make you feel good for a brief period but ALL the issues will still be there after. What you need to do is tell yourself that it's ok to feel this way and that you have every right to be angry because of how it's effecting YOU. You also need to communicate to your wife that this is effecting you big time, in more ways then she can imagine and that you need to go to counseling pronto. I strongly believe counseling will truly, truly help you. It might take a while and one or two therapist, but try finding a trauma therapist and you talk to him/her alone first. I totally believe this is something that can be fixed and truly healed faster than you even know. Do not go after this guy, it is not worth the jail time and it would be a waste of time anyway. Karma will get him and God will arrange his harvest in such a way that he will know it was from exactly what he did to your wife.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

For the first time EVER on this board, I have so many opinions on what you should and should not do that my head feels like one of those 1970's string nail pictures on the wall. When I told my family after many years I was raped, they threw it back in my face and said, "Too late." as if it were nothing.
By you telling her the name of the f**ker that raped her, that gives her an instability of worrying this jackass from her past might show up again or even worse, you going and killing him. Trust is lost.

Please let her deal with it and keep your midlife crisis under wraps. It would help a great deal.

 

[Hooper]

Vitrea,
I am not afraid to speak to my wife about my needs or take care of them myself for that matter. I would not describe our sex life as good. It is more on the phenomenal side of things. Actually I'm speaking for myself here. She says she is happy with it but I personally think men are simpler and easier to please than women. Part of why I would like to trade places with her for a week is so she could see what she is missing and why I may be more interested in having it more often than she is. On the flip side I would think it would do me a lot of good to get her perspective. I wish my sex drive was a switch I could turn off but it's not. It stays on 24/7 and I do mean 24/7. You have sleep walkers and then you have sleep gropers that I've never read about but I happen to be one of. A lot of times I will have no recollection of it. Sometimes I wake up after she is awoken by my sleep groping and pushing me off of her. It's really kind of annoying. My wife would like to lay there and just cuddle but that is very difficult for me to want to leave it at that.

As for blaming him I don't. I've said before when someone wants to have sex and someone doesn't want to have sex one party will get what they want. I do not think I should get what I want all the time. It's not fair. Yes it is clouded by the past and it is complicated by that past but I do not put all of the blame there. Whether it had happened or not the issue would still be alive and well. Just for clarification the rape occurred over 20 years ago. I've known about it for 14 maybe. The only thing I have repressed over the years is my curiosity of what exactly happened. If I could do it over I would not want to know. I just had no idea it would affect me the way it did. There is a grey area and I am not comfortable about it but in no way am I in fear that I will ever be anything close to a rapist. I have communicated how this has affected me which is big time. I am getting counseling which starts in an hour. I've been looking forward to it actually but for whatever reason today was worse than yesterday. It's the first step back in several days now. I am very curious to see how this goes. I don't know what is going to be accomplished in an hour but I am about to find out. Thanks for your comments.

 

[joeylittle]

I would not describe our sex life as good. It is more on the phenomenal side of things. Actually I'm speaking for myself here. She says she is happy with it but I personally think men are simpler and easier to please than women.

Yeah - you need couples counseling. I've been thinking this for awhile. Your perception of your wife's thoughts, and then lack of ability to take them on-board and talk with her productively about things - it's not good. This recent event was clearly a catalyst one, but I don't think it's the only - or even deepest - issue in your marriage.

I wish my sex drive was a switch I could turn off but it's not. It stays on 24/7 and I do mean 24/7. You have sleep walkers and then you have sleep gropers that I've never read about but I happen to be one of...Sometimes I wake up after she is awoken by my sleep groping and pushing me off of her. It's really kind of annoying.

It's kind of annoying for you - sure. Do you have any concept of what it can feel like to be assaulted by your husband in the middle of the night? I know I'm using a strong word - but I have been where your wife is (and therefore could be projecting, but I'm not that reactive generally), but waking up in the middle of the night with my ex starting to grope at me ranks as one of the top three deep problems in our relationship.

My wife would like to lay there and just cuddle but that is very difficult for me to want to leave it at that.

I understand this. But question: do you actually try and do it?

You're referred to how awesome your sex life is for you and how not-as-awesome-probably as it is for her a few times. This just tells me that you and she have a pretty big communication problem. She's absorbing your wants as much as she can because it's easier than asking you to change, or do something in a way that she might really need. You, on the other hand, are annoyed by her wants and think your needs are 'natural', so it is your natural right to have them met. (you clearly identify with male sexual need as being a 'prime directive' for the male psyche - if you aren't sure what I mean, go back and read how you frame sexual desire).[/quote][/QUOTE]