DID Just life with DID


Most of my "journal" isn't writing. I find pictures on the internet and paste them in, or I make drawings and paste them in. But there are other things you can do. I got some modeling clay and made little figures. At the time, I thought I had four parts, but I ended up making seven clay figures. Another thing--In therapy, there's something called a sandbox, where you play with sand and figures.

Pre-COVID, I had a walk at work that took me over some deserted fields, and that is where the voices I heard came out more clearly.

I also find that different parts come up to different music (my teen girl likes Taylor Swift; Little Wendell likes The Who, Lady likes Natalie Merchant and Charles Mingus).

Sometimes, you just need to listen to words that pop out of your mouth. My therapist and I will always remember one day when I looked at her feet in sandals with red nail polish, and I said, "I wish I had nails like that."


Thank you @Powder and @Wendell_R for trying to clear that up. I can look back on a situation and think, wow, I'm just really friendly and open with everyone and realize I'm not. I'm an introvert. I've been told that I act like a different person in different circumstances, but I'm not aware of it. So, it might not be DID, or it might. My first therapist told me my brain was set up for DID, but he didn't think I had it, but I've had at least two more huge traumas since then. I guess I will journal then, and I journal like @Wendell_R, with lots of pictures, drawings etc. I don't want to have it, and I lose time a lot since I moved from a rainy climate to a dry, hot, sunny one where I am starting from almost scratch to homestead. I gave away most of my stuff to move here and had to put down my 2 12 year old dogs within 3 weeks of each other, and my stepdad died June 1st. Sooo, I'm going to woek on this.
I don’t come around a lot anymore, but I still read posts from time to time. I understand how weird it feels to be in a system. No one knows besides my therapist, and they knew long before I did, which is also so very weird. I don’t think anyone else will ever know. I function as if one and I think it’s just easier to let others assume I am one.

People also don’t automatically assume DID. I often says things like ‘my inner 8 year old is super happy to be wearing this pink sweater’ and people just assume I’m joking. I think they would be shocked to learn that statement is literal.


‘my inner 8 year old is super happy to be wearing this pink sweater’
My therapist suggests doing this so the parts feel less alone. Today, my daughter was talking about teen girls obsessing over bands. I asked her what band I would obsess over if I was a teen girl, and she said Taylor Swift. So she knows something about my teen girl part. I imagine as she rolls into adulthood that she will know or we'll talk about my parts someday.


Thank you for this thread and all your comments. It's so soothing and calming for me to read of your experiences.
I don't have a diagnosis, but struggled with my last course of therapy as the fragmentation I have experienced for years seemed to grow more distinct - in a way that had a fairly negative impact on my ability to function normally on a daily basis. Tried to describe the sensations to my therapist but I never got any response on this matter.
@Powder's description in the opening post resonates deeply with me. At times I struggle so hard to get up and get going - often related to work. There's a sensation of being too weak to stand and so so fatigued and depleted, silently crying with the effort of trying to get on my feet. All this while I have no actual issues with mobility. I started to 'cast about' for a way to help myself and found that there were other aspects of me that felt stronger and ready to step in, but didn't do so without being prompted. So now, when some part of me collapses, I ask the strong ones to help. They gently pick up the collapsed one and carry her somewhere safe where she is laid to rest and others stay with her to keep her feeling safe. The strong one(s?) then proceed with the chores that need doing. They don't do interaction with other people - they seem to stall and stare blankly if faced with choices and feelings and such. But they do great with taking care of known physical tasks.


@knuckles that experience you described so well, I have also lived many times. Except you seem to be more aware of the inner compassion going on than I have been able to give credit for, and I am working on that noticing that. I have been distrusting for so long due to fear.

I have hidden this for a long time, not entirely on purpose, of course, as it hides from me, by its very nature to protect itself, I guess.

I relate to @DharmaGirl : I'm sorry for how much change and stress and the loss of your dogs have crossed you recently. That is just so much. For me, there is a lot of changes, but also, a lot of feeling misunderstood due to not being able to be understood as who or what I am (multiple) and those closest to me leveling against me charges that I am to blame (for dynamics not feeling good for them). I have nightmares being called out for my inconsistencies or self-contradictory nature, and yet, I can't explain the passive influences and how it's not the same as for a nonDID and it's not like how it would be for them to be lying or forgetting. I'm not like you, so don't expect me to defend myself or be like you. Don't put your expectations on me, or if you do, I won't want to be around you any more.

It's painful right now for me to see how I am not like those around me. To discover one is profoundly DID and those around are very NOT, and to see that one is inherently not homogeneous inside; and therefore, not outside matching up to anyone's expectations in any way, is hard for me now. No wonder I feel I will inevitably be rejected. Nor do I want to be kept around as a freakshow for that crowd either. I don't want to be paraded as a rarity. So I have no place to go that I can find where I can be me, and be emotionally safe, yet. And I don't know if such a place exists. And I know the truth, that all I need to do is create that safe place inside of me, of self-acceptance. It then really does not matter if another human being accepts me. I will love myself. And I don't need anyone else to do that for me. Nobody will ever be able to feel me like I do, love me like I do, or be there for me like I do. I will never expect that or receive that. Accepting this, I can move forward doing this life. Sometimes, I feel so alone. But I know everyone does from time to time because it's a battle.
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