DID Just life with DID

[Wendell_R]

Most of my "journal" isn't writing. I find pictures on the internet and paste them in, or I make drawings and paste them in. But there are other things you can do. I got some modeling clay and made little figures. At the time, I thought I had four parts, but I ended up making seven clay figures. Another thing--In therapy, there's something called a sandbox, where you play with sand and figures.

Pre-COVID, I had a walk at work that took me over some deserted fields, and that is where the voices I heard came out more clearly.

I also find that different parts come up to different music (my teen girl likes Taylor Swift; Little Wendell likes The Who, Lady likes Natalie Merchant and Charles Mingus).

Sometimes, you just need to listen to words that pop out of your mouth. My therapist and I will always remember one day when I looked at her feet in sandals with red nail polish, and I said, "I wish I had nails like that."

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you @Powder and @Wendell_R for trying to clear that up. I can look back on a situation and think, wow, I'm just really friendly and open with everyone and realize I'm not. I'm an introvert. I've been told that I act like a different person in different circumstances, but I'm not aware of it. So, it might not be DID, or it might. My first therapist told me my brain was set up for DID, but he didn't think I had it, but I've had at least two more huge traumas since then. I guess I will journal then, and I journal like @Wendell_R, with lots of pictures, drawings etc. I don't want to have it, and I lose time a lot since I moved from a rainy climate to a dry, hot, sunny one where I am starting from almost scratch to homestead. I gave away most of my stuff to move here and had to put down my 2 12 year old dogs within 3 weeks of each other, and my stepdad died June 1st. Sooo, I'm going to woek on this.

 

[Wendell_R]

had to put down my 2 12 year old dogs within 3 weeks of each other, and my stepdad died June 1st

That sounds like a hard spell. I hope you are easy and gentle with yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I don’t come around a lot anymore, but I still read posts from time to time. I understand how weird it feels to be in a system. No one knows besides my therapist, and they knew long before I did, which is also so very weird. I don’t think anyone else will ever know. I function as if one and I think it’s just easier to let others assume I am one.

People also don’t automatically assume DID. I often says things like ‘my inner 8 year old is super happy to be wearing this pink sweater’ and people just assume I’m joking. I think they would be shocked to learn that statement is literal.

 

[Wendell_R]

‘my inner 8 year old is super happy to be wearing this pink sweater’

My therapist suggests doing this so the parts feel less alone. Today, my daughter was talking about teen girls obsessing over bands. I asked her what band I would obsess over if I was a teen girl, and she said Taylor Swift. So she knows something about my teen girl part. I imagine as she rolls into adulthood that she will know or we'll talk about my parts someday.

 

[knuckles]

Thank you for this thread and all your comments. It's so soothing and calming for me to read of your experiences.
I don't have a diagnosis, but struggled with my last course of therapy as the fragmentation I have experienced for years seemed to grow more distinct - in a way that had a fairly negative impact on my ability to function normally on a daily basis. Tried to describe the sensations to my therapist but I never got any response on this matter.
@Powder's description in the opening post resonates deeply with me. At times I struggle so hard to get up and get going - often related to work. There's a sensation of being too weak to stand and so so fatigued and depleted, silently crying with the effort of trying to get on my feet. All this while I have no actual issues with mobility. I started to 'cast about' for a way to help myself and found that there were other aspects of me that felt stronger and ready to step in, but didn't do so without being prompted. So now, when some part of me collapses, I ask the strong ones to help. They gently pick up the collapsed one and carry her somewhere safe where she is laid to rest and others stay with her to keep her feeling safe. The strong one(s?) then proceed with the chores that need doing. They don't do interaction with other people - they seem to stall and stare blankly if faced with choices and feelings and such. But they do great with taking care of known physical tasks.

 

[Wendell_R]

It's so soothing and calming for me to read of your experiences.

I found the same to be true--hearing others describe the same things I had experienced helped me feel less lonely.

 

[Powder]

@knuckles that experience you described so well, I have also lived many times. Except you seem to be more aware of the inner compassion going on than I have been able to give credit for, and I am working on that noticing that. I have been distrusting for so long due to fear.

I have hidden this for a long time, not entirely on purpose, of course, as it hides from me, by its very nature to protect itself, I guess.

I relate to @DharmaGirl : I'm sorry for how much change and stress and the loss of your dogs have crossed you recently. That is just so much. For me, there is a lot of changes, but also, a lot of feeling misunderstood due to not being able to be understood as who or what I am (multiple) and those closest to me leveling against me charges that I am to blame (for dynamics not feeling good for them). I have nightmares being called out for my inconsistencies or self-contradictory nature, and yet, I can't explain the passive influences and how it's not the same as for a nonDID and it's not like how it would be for them to be lying or forgetting. I'm not like you, so don't expect me to defend myself or be like you. Don't put your expectations on me, or if you do, I won't want to be around you any more.

It's painful right now for me to see how I am not like those around me. To discover one is profoundly DID and those around are very NOT, and to see that one is inherently not homogeneous inside; and therefore, not outside matching up to anyone's expectations in any way, is hard for me now. No wonder I feel I will inevitably be rejected. Nor do I want to be kept around as a freakshow for that crowd either. I don't want to be paraded as a rarity. So I have no place to go that I can find where I can be me, and be emotionally safe, yet. And I don't know if such a place exists. And I know the truth, that all I need to do is create that safe place inside of me, of self-acceptance. It then really does not matter if another human being accepts me. I will love myself. And I don't need anyone else to do that for me. Nobody will ever be able to feel me like I do, love me like I do, or be there for me like I do. I will never expect that or receive that. Accepting this, I can move forward doing this life. Sometimes, I feel so alone. But I know everyone does from time to time because it's a battle.

 

[StillPen]

This thread has been SO helpful to me. I am posting in hopes to start it back up and hear others' experience with DID and dissociative disorders.

It helps incredibly to figure out what the f*ck is going on in my head based on what others do or do not experience. No one else in my personal life can relate to my experience, so the isolation is real!

@Wendell_R, I can relate to your experience the most. I was diagnosed with 3/4 DID. I met enough criteria to be DID, but do not lose time in a way that others experience. I have a ten yo part that 'feels' like a boy, but knows she's a girl (I am a female IRL, identify as one, use female pronouns, but was and still am a "tomboy" IRL. The girly stuff just never appealed to me). My parts have come to the front my whole life, I just did not realize I was switching, because I don't lose time, I lose details.

For example, I can remember that I have driven to the store and back home, but not remember why I didn't get the bread, milk, etc. that was on my list. I've since been able to identify that at some point during the trip, I'm either disassociating, switching or both, multiple times. I used to think of myself as flakey, dim-headed, etc., now I'm learning that I'm none of those, just triggered by something and switching as a defense mechanism. I struggled my whole life in school because I would learn something one day, remember that I learned it the next day, but could not remember the details...a math equation, for example. This left me with a deeply imbedded belief that I am stupid, worthless, useless, etc. So when I get triggered, all those beliefs and subsequent emotions surface again, causing flashbacks, body memories, more switching, etc.

It has been a long two and 1/2 years (since my official diagnosis) of telling myself and my parts that I am NOT stupid, that I am very smart, that I have DID and that has interfered with my ability to function at the levels everyone else thinks I should be able to. I look and act 'normal' to the external world. I have very little outward distinction between parts, no one can tell that I'm switching. It comes accross as mood swings, has caused years of struggle in my marriage as I have conflicting parts and did not realize they were coming to the front and saying totally apposing things within a ten minute time frame. I can only just in the last year or so feel distinct switches, but still have episodes where I don't know I've switched until I am back in front and realizing, hmmm that wasn't me just then...who was that? It is a weird and dizzying experience that is almost impossible to describe and often I tell my T, I feel crazy.

I hope my post helps just one person feel less alone. I hope others will keep posting as I love my T, but she does not guide me through the menagerie of this internal world to sort the parts, internal conversations, etc. the way your posts do. It gives me something to tell her about...'so and so experiences this, too'...then she'll ask me a prompting question based on that feedback to get my parts to participate. Thank you, and thank you, again, everyone.

 

[Wendell_R]

I, too, have found that this forum has been really useful for me to feel less alone. Absolutely a weird and dizzying experience! I've gotten better at describing it, and better (in safe places) at letting the parts have some external affect.

 

[HealingMama]

Thank you for this thread. I am not diagnosed as DID but I have parts and will share to keep it going, and so that others like me who are not picture perfect versions of a multiple/system can have a sense of belonging also. I became aware of having parts in 2013 or so, but forgot about it, became aware again early 2020, and finally this year decided to see someone specifically for this. In my situation it was the attachment relationship trauma causing the biggest problems and led to seeking a specialist. I was so torn with so much inner conflict, it was dizzying and confusing. I did not even realize it was a parts thing until I have become better able to face the situation.

Although I did not know I had parts until 2013, for many years before that I felt that I had "spirit guides" and was highly intuitive, and while I think I still have guides, I do wonder if some of that was parts stuff that I did not have a different frame of reference for. I sense my parts mostly somatically. Occasionally hear inner whispering. In working with my therapist, I am now able to kind of get a sense of what a part is intending to communicate, like the other day I could tell a part was speaking up against something the rest of the system was moving toward. But I did not hear "words" exactly, like I got the thought sent to me fully formed... hard to describe it....

In 2020 I was trying to be more aware of having parts and had a few experiences that I lean on whenever I go into a place of self-doubt thinking I am making this up.

• I was going to a dr appointment, and switched on the way there to a little girl, who was very confused. The body could still drive us there but when we got inside she did not know where to go for the appointment even though we had been there a few times before, and my regular me remembered where to go. For whatever reason regular me could not tell her where to go, but the system helped her find out by going into our online portal to get the appointment reminder information.
• Times of feeling a "click" like a camera then feeling very different in my body, older or younger, too tall or too short, feeling strange and unfamiliar
• Times of feeling an emotion then having it disappear very suddenly like someone used a vacuum for emotions to take it away.
• Times my husband told me about what I said or did when I was angry that I did not remember
• Times I would feel incredibly social despite normally being shy and withdrawn or feeling too ashamed of myself to really connect with anyone
• Once earlier in therapy specifically for parts work, I was dysregulated afterward and a part was out that didn't know how to do our job. We had to ask the gatekeeper to send it back and let the work me come back out. The work me was still here... like we were watching what was going on but intellectually were not able to function as our usual work self.
• Many experiences of switching during physical intimacy, with HIGHLY conflicting needs and wants

My parts are cooperating better with each other including myself as the one usually using the body, I am trying to be mindful not to steamroll over others since this will cause issues in the long run. I am trying to learn they all have a positive purpose even introjects.

 

[whiteraven]

picture perfect versions of a multiple/system

I don't think this exists. Every person with DID is different. And yes, there are "criteria" to meet for an official diagnosis, but I have come to believe the diagnosis doesn't matter at all. It's how I feel and what I experience and what I do with all of that.

I lean on whenever I go into a place of self-doubt thinking I am making this up.

This is so common.