Just Need A Little Extra Support

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My mother-in-law passed away today. It's been a long battle with cancer and particularly bad in the last few months. We had an up and down relationship. However, she did childcare for my first born from 2 months to 18 months and their relationship was special. It was precious and she had nothing but love for him. Last fall and earlier this winter, I would help make my mother-in-law more comfortable and sing to her. It seemed to help. I haven't seen her since the very beginning of February. I regret that, but PTSD was getting in my way.

I have been going through a lot of internal struggles lately. I want to support my husband and my kids, but I also know I am not as strong as I used to be. I am praying that I can find some of that inner strength to get through this and be supportive instead of being the one needing the support.

Anyway, any encouragement is welcome. Also, any tips on how to talk about death with a 3 year old and a nearly 6 year old would be welcome- that scares me the most.

 

[Recovery4Me]

May you find the words for your little ones through your own heart's stories echoing the beauty, peace and rainbows of promise that you offer to so many.:hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you so much @Recovery4Me - just what I needed.

 

[Friday]

My son has had a lot of death in his life. First time? I asked him what he already knew. His answers were... Inspiring. Beautiful. Strong. Told him he was exactly right. But if he ever had questions to come to me. Death and I are old friends. He was 2. As he got older? He'd have questions, and we'd talk. Filled in some blanks. Came to an understanding of mutual questions.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve please accept my :hug:s take your strength from the members. We support each other IMHO. My support is there for you at this your time of need.
Laurie

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm SO sorry about your loss! The best way to be supportive, is just to tell your husband that you are sorry for his pain, and ask him if there is anything you can do that would help. You can tell him that you know there really aren't any words that help, but that you love him, and will support him in any way you can.

It is your loss too, even if you hadn't seen her for a bit. I think it was very special for you to try and make her more comfortable, and sing to her...it's very hard to know what to say to someone who can't respond and singing is a wonderful way of bringing comfort.

Possibly you can tell your husband how much it meant to you that she cared for your first born in his earliest months, and that you will forever remember that she did that for you. You can tell him that you will be as strong as you can and that you love him, and would take the pain away if you could.

It is hard with small children, but, in some ways, it might be a little easier. Their questions won't be complicated, and you can explain that Grandma was very sick, and that it was time for her to go to heaven, and it's kind of like they have gone to sleep, if that is what you believe. You can emphasize that she was very sick, and very tired, and that at some point, everyone passes away, some when they are young and some when they are old, and no one knows but God.

You can assure them that she is not sick or hurting anymore and that you wouldn't want her to be in pain. I wouldn't offer them too much information...since they are so young. It also depends on if they had seen her sick and in pain.

Sometimes, the less said the better. We often try to help and end up saying the wrong thing...so offering love and support...hugs and a shoulder to cry on is always appreciated.

The first year is the hardest...every holiday, month, event, is 'the first' without his mother...and everyone grieves at a different pace. There is no way to predict, or hurry, or avoid the pain, and sometimes people seem strong for quite awhile, then at some point reality sinks in and that's when the grief hits. Offering patience and understanding is a huge gift.

I don't know if anything I've said helps...but I hope you will find some peace in knowing that here, you will find understanding and support.

Sincerely,
AKJ

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you for reaching out @JEKBreatheandBelieve, I'm glad that you shared this with us. It sounds like a really special connection between her and your son and I'm sorry for that loss. In terms of what to say, I like what @FridayJones says, and also there are some good picture books about death at a young child's level. You could probably find some at your local library.

Lots of hugs to you, if you want them, in this difficult time.

 

[theotherside]

Im so sorry for your loss and your struggles with ptsd. I used to be strong too..and happy. I worked, went to school, took my kids everywhere. Now im a mess. Isolated and trying to be a good mom and feeling sad that im not the same as i used to be. Mostly sad for my kids and partner. Ptsd holds me back from so much too.
I will say a prayer for you and send positive thoughts your way...

 

[Chava]

Sorry for your loss @JEKBreatheandBelieve , your kids will love anything you can say about this...they are so loving and curious. Maybe she's in heaven, maybe she's in a happy place and what would they imagine her doing? Maybe she will be watching over them.

Hang in there...whatever you can find for inner support. Sometimes, when it's getting really challenging, I just look for one thing a day...one walk, one phone call, hugging a stuffed animal, allowing myself to listen to my favorite song, reminding myself that I am strong and able but struggling and deserve compassion from myself. :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard to cope with death when you're feeling strong but when you're stripuggling yourself generally it can feel impossible to know what to do to support those we love. I'd echo people who have said to be quite factual with your kids. If they've never come across death before they might get confused by some of the phrases we use out of politeness or concern, eg that someone has passed away, gone to sleep, gone to heaven because children tend to be very literal in how they understand things.

There are some lovely (and very moving) picture books that explain death. A favourite of mine is "Goodbye Mog" which courses on the death of a much loved pet and may be easier as an introduction. Do say grandma died and, as hard as it is, explain that death is permanent. You may not want them to go to the funeral but do explain the rituals and ceremonies we use to mark death and help them think of things they might want to do to remember grandma. Be explicit that it's ok to be upset, and that grown ups in their life may be upset too, it doesn't wan there's anything wrong or to be scared of and even if grown ups are upset, it's still ok for them to cry and need cuddles.

I've done a lot of bereavement counselling with children and these tend to be the things that they get stuck on. Most of all show them that's it ok to take care of yourself when someone dies. The fact that your asking tells me you'll be a great support to them, you sound like a lovely mum to them.

 

[Sammyiam]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a really hard time for you at the moment and it has been so hard going through the last few months. I hope it gets better for you.

Take care

Sammy