Just Need More Points Of View.....Re: Being A Parent

[pandora]

:wall::wall:As many of you know from my recent posts my Mom has not always been supportive and we have had quite an up and down relationship for years...I am now 36 and a mother of a 12 year old, my mom is now 65.

My Moms view of late is that life is too short....I do agree with her.

She is now helping me but I am in the position with my son having autism, this stupid PTSd and a bad back injury that causes increased pain...blah, blah, blah.

This new treatment she paid for....to get my back fixed.


we had a discussion last night and I don't know what the hell to beleive anymore.:crazy::crazy:

I know with all of my heart and soul that I will always be there for my son, no matter what.....My Mom was in a very bad car accident 5 years ago and I took care of her for 10 weeks in my dining room.....that was one of the worst times in my life and she was miserable and unfortunately I was the brunt of her anger, i was there and she was very abusive...she said things like..."You are the stupidest person I have ever met, I couldn't have screwed up my life any more than i already have and some other choice nasty words. I know that she was in a bad situation and I have forgiven her for this as well as her abandonment when i was a child. I am very thankful we have a relationship now, I never thought it would have ever been a possibility. anyway she received a substantial insurance settlement and really is in the position to help me at this point.

Last night she said to me "You know...most mothers wouldn't give there child that kind of money or just have that much money available on a credit card...gave out her credit card number to me" I would do it for my son without a thought.....

So am I right in my thinking or is she in fact right....it is making me crazy thinking about it....I hate ruminating.

Would any of you here help your child out???? Even a grown adult child. I am just looking for other peoples points of view on this situation...only for my own peace of mind. I don't know why this is bothering me so much?????

She was comparing how her sister would never do this for my cousin....I responded well Mom they don't think normally......Parents should help out their children...common sense right???? Or am I just living in a dream world??

Does anyone have any comments....what would you do?

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Every parent is different in the choices they make with their child. She seems to be using guilt to keep you trapped. I suspect if she does help you she will always throw it up in your face when you don't do what she wants. But you can take the help and ignore her when she pulls that crap.

With that said, I would do anything I could, or pay any amount of money that I had to help either of my children if they had a physical or mental problem through no fault of their own.

If they needed money due to a mess they got themselves into and would continue on a path of self destructive behaviors after helping them out of a mess, then no, I probably wouldn't help.

I don't know your situation, but I doubt the back injury is your fault? If it was something you did out of self destructive behavior, but you changed that behavior style, then I would help you.

I have enabled my son to the degree that disgusts everyone around me. So I'm learning to not jump in and try to save the day. But your situation is probably different.

I hope I answered your question.
Tammy

 

[Grama-Herc]

Pan

I will be coming from the other side of this as "I am" the estranged" mother. I have read and re read your post and my first impression still stands.

Mom is full of quilt from past wrongs and wants to make it up to you. Some of the things she says come out correctly---in her mind---But wrong in yours. I really don't think she is trying to do anything other than get you to say thank you and just does not know how. Not everyone has a good grasp of the language or they simply do not express themselves correctly.

I have not reunited with my daughter yet, that is in about 2 weeks. But I can tell you that I am very anxious about the visit. I am so scared I am going to say or do something to make her go away again--maybe forever this time!

IMHO all children think their parents are suppose to be perfect. Unfortunately that is not real life! ! Parents are just people who ended up with children who came WITHOUT an instruction manual.

In a recent talk with my mother about a situation here in Fla., she said she thought that people should have to take some kind of parenting ability test before they could take their baby home from the hospital.

Mom's make mistakes! It's just that simple! I think your mom is trying, but maybe a little to hard. Cut her some slack, at least she is trying.

I don't know if this answered your questions or not/ or if it even helped at all. But as the mom who screwed up it is MHO

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

Dealing with parents is hard. Even harder when we have our own children and we raise them as we want to raise them. You and your mother are different people with different beliefs, morals, and different ways of life. No two people are alike.

My mother was similar when it came to doing things for my daughter or me. She wouldn't hesitate to buy something, or do something, but there was ALWAYS the remark about the fact that she did it. I don't know if she was looking for recognition, if she was playing the martyr, or was laying guilt trips down. I gave up trying to figure it out, or getting pissed at it.

For now, just accept things as they are. If she gets to mouthy with the remarks sit down with her and calmly tell her that although you LOVE being with her, and you LOVE and appreciate the things that she does for you, her sharp words after he fact hurt you. Maybe she will stop it if you talk to her....

Hugs....

 

[Marlene]

Would I give my daughter money? If she needed it, yes I would. I've been in the same situation as her (just starting out-run out of money before you run out of month) and I don't mind helping out. She does pay me back because I know if I didn't put that stipulation on it, I'd never see my money again. I just know how she is.

Would I attach the guilt trip to the money? OMG I hope not!!!! That's my mother's gig, not mine. I hope my tongue snaps off if I do that to one of my children.

The point really comes down to what you can live with. And you do that. Is your mother going to throw this back up into your face in five years from now or if you don't act as she wants you to act? Or is this a gift out of love and she just doesn't know when to stop talking? Only you know and only you can decide.

I truly hope it's a love gift that comes without strings attached.

Lisa

 

[catjudo]

I agree with Tammy about the level of help one gives their child depending on the situation and how they got there. That being said, I think most parents would go out of their way to help their child in any way they were able.

I'm 33, husband is 34 and we have a 3-year-old daughter. We are in a situation where my husband's parents help us out tremendously. I receive a small disability income (was on disability before I ever met my husband so he knew what he was getting into when he married me). My husband has been denied disability but his depression over the past couple of years has prevented him from working most of the time...and when he has been able to work it's not been enough to support our family. His parents have been incredibly generous and they never throw up in our faces how much they are helping us. I struggle with feeling awkward about it but this is my own issue...they do their best to make us feel okay about accepting their help.

They bought our house for us, paid cash, no mortgage in a very nice area of the city we live in. They pay the property taxes AND the HOA fees. They pay for my husband and daughter's health insurance...very expensive private policy ($1000/month). They also send us a very generous stipend EVERY month to help cover our expenses. We're expected to pay for the homeowner's insurance and maintain the house with part of the monthly money they give us but there have been times that problems have come up around the house and we didn't have the money for it...they still come to our rescue. (A couple of months ago our dishwasher gave out and we didn't have the money to replace it so my in-laws sent us the money for a new one.)

I realize, like your mom said, most people aren't in a position to give that kind of help. But if one's child needs help and they are in a position to help out...I think most parents would do as much as they're able.

 

[pandora]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!


I just had a conversation like I have NEVER had with my MOm and it has just been reaking havok on my brain.....

It was 2 hours...she commented on.......uggghhh....want to cry....how when people would give her a comment she would never beleive them...thet she has NEVER felt good about herself and never accepted a compliment.

My ex.....well 5 year ago ex but we have resumed taling in the last couple of months and he comes to visit me about once per week.....he would say something nice and I would look at him like he was foreign. We have had many in depth conversations and being a single child, loving his Mom...not a bad guy but when we broke up ( he was a single Dad) our children fought constantly and his dad died and all of us fell apart......long story short....I never knew my Mom.....who has always put up a HUGE front....so I never understood her.

Last night.....and yes.....everything happens for a reason....Well.....one of my uncles called here. will try to keep this short because it is all really confusing and I keep hearing in my head.....IT IS ALL PSYCHOBABBLE.......My Mothers words.

I am a registered nurse and excelled in psychiatry......like I had 95% in that area.

I hope I am making sense as my mind is racing........I just FELT so much for My Mom tonight....like I felt it to my deepest heart and soul.......when she commented on how she.......well......OMG....has never had a good self esteem.....and actually as she was telling me the story and I cut her off because I could so relate to that...and I told her about my ex,s and how they would say something nice and i just had NO self esteem............


UUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH.........I feel like I am about to lose it..........

I KNOW....my father was a big support to my mom and having been the only brother to 8 sisters...he MUST have had an idea how woman worked......but he died...he was 43...my Mom LOST it.........

I know my father would have done anything he could do to support me.......

Getting back to the story of my Mom......My Mothers mother had 13 children. My Mom was the first born....my grandfather went to war.......when he came back......my Mom was 2 or 3......had never met him.....my grandmother then went on to have 12 more children. eight boys, 5 girls......My mothers youngest brother died last week, we sent flowers and my brother went to the funeral....my mother and I did not..Anyway...he called here last night ,9what a coincudence) DRUNK.....all 8 severe alcoholics and 4 of them all under 65 are now dead, including my granfather.....who my mother refers to as the "old man".........i cancount how many of the relatives...out of 13 siblings have ever called my home......well........he called my mother every name in the book including a whore......I know my mother is NOT that....how weird all of this is happening right now and I wrote that post yesterday....My Mom has dated ONE man in the last 22 years since my dad died.......what a confusing situation......

I CALLED my uncle....who I have seen about 4 times in my entire life and I was sooooooo mad.....I usually hold it in....and told him never to call here again...I would charge him with harassment.....swore at him.....OK>>>>.I just called there again and told him to NEVER call here again swearing and calling my mother names........I need to come back to this......I am soooooooooo angry and i am not thinking logically and my anxiety is at an all time high. the man is in his 60's.......LIfe is so confusing......

 

[pandora]

And......UUUUGGGHHHHHH


I just had a conversation with my 90 year old grandmother.....I don't talk to anyone from that side....my Dads side either...welcome to PTSD...
My grandmother, I used to call her every saturday morning.....she is 90...i don't know if I made the
right decision...........

She DID want to know why MY MOM was so angry with her.....even though my mother has said to me in the recent weeks about about......UUuggghhh......how her mother should NOT have went on to have 13 children when the "OLD MAN" was drinking so much.......I did not and i do not agree.

I don't know if this is PSYCHOBabbLE but my Mom is not a bad person, her morals were in the right place, her anger got her into trouble. i told my grandmother....well i lied to my grandmother because I thought the truth would be too painful and her youngest son....died last week....he was 48, another one died in Nov...the one before that committed suicine, and the previous one died of aids.......i am I just too OVER emotional or is my heart really too big........................

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH>>>>>>>What a confusing day and post...................i want to swear right now so bad...... i just could not tell her the truth.......i told her she was mad at the world because my father died on her..............she told me my brother told me the same thing last week at my uncles funeral........................Why do I feel so sick??????

 

[pandora]

i THINK MY grandpa HAD ptsd...RaginG ALCOHOLIC FROM THE WAR...........

i THINK MY mOM HAD ptsd DUE TO 4 YEARS OF WATCHING MY FATHER DIE................UUUUUUUUGGGHH

Amd here I am trying to make sense of it all....after having my history.tonight.not a good night.

 

[pandora]

I am sitting here and thinking about this situation so much................Should I go and tell my 90 year old grandmother what my Mother really thinks or should I just leave it alone.............

I know she is 90....Do I just let her die in peace or do i tell her the truth????????????

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

I am trying to make sense of your post. But it is confusing. I think in regards to your mother and grandmother.......It's your mothers issue and if she feels the need to tell her mother how she feels then she should/will. It isn't your issue, it's between your mother and grandmother. Let it go.......JMO!!!!!!

 

[pandora]

I think you are right...had to take an ativan and calm down and my brain well, still spinning.....

My heart is just too big.....you are right, it is my mothers issue....BUT I feel like I need to be the saviour...make it all ok...my grandmother......at 90....IS GOING TO DIE soon...I just know or feel that dying at peace would be better......I could hear in her voice...she was upset and really can't understand why my mother won't talk to her and I feel like my mother should forgive her...........

my thinking......messed up right now