just saying - "I push you away to protect you from ME"

[EveHarrington]

If they don't give you space you create it

My therapist says I should never ask for space, I need to just take it. That is, asking means they can say no, but in the end I’m going to get my space one way or another. She says it’s more a matter of asserting my need for space and communicating in an effective way.

 

[hithere]

its so hard as I can not tell you as you cant or wont understand but I push you away to protect you from ME

Could it be possible that what you are really doing is protecting yourself from what you believe is certain rejection?

 

[Friday]

She says it’s more a matter of asserting my need for space and communicating in an effective way

Yep.

There are a number of ways of telling someone something without it being adversarial.

- Hey love, I’m going to take a few hours to decompress / just stay in this weekend/ take a week and go camping to get my head straight, shut off my phone for the night and sink into a bath, etc. so forth and so on.

Similarly, one can ask about timing, without putting the actual thing itself on the table.

- Hey, I need to take a few days on my own here, soon. Anything going on I should be aware of before booking the cabin / putting in for PTO / etc.?
- I’m thinking of taking a week up in the mountains/ girls weekend/ spa day/ etc.; that boys fishing trip/ sports weekend/ seeing your folks/ etc. you’ve been talking about? Maybe we could sync that shit up? Might be a good time, while I’m out?

 

[pam4him]

First, are you a danger to yourself or others? If so, please consider contacting someone for help. One resource is a text helpline at 741741. Second, please reconsider allowing one or two into your life to help you move forward in life. Having someone to even just talk to can sometimes alleviate some of the PTSD symptoms. Lastly, if you are not already, please consider seeking treatment - medical, counseling, and/or perhaps a combination. It's okay to ask for help when life gets to be overwhelming. Prayers for peace and wisdom.

 

[grit]

I recently realize that at minimum there are four major parts of me and at minimum there are four major parts of my therapist,

For me:
Good side (from childhood to today) and Bad side (from childhood to today)
and the representation of my mother in me:
Good side of my mother and bad side of my mother.

What causes me cPTSD is my bad side exacerbated by my mother's bad side. These two combined make me dangerous to me and others and all my life I have been managing. This is what they call identification with the aggressor. I identified with the side of my mother that hated me so I hate myself and her and everybody! This is the crazy side.

My real good side and my mother's good representation are the ones that come up to take care of me when I am really out and out.

What the therapist is helping me is strengthen my good side and my mother's good side representation.

I find most of the time therapist try to shut down the side that identifies with my mother and my bad natural side (we are all human and have good and bad and the ugly). Most therapist do not want to see those ugly, hateful and crazy sides. They call them acting out or difficult or borderline.

I found when I saw how crazy that side of me is and who soothes was a life a change.

It was my core belief and I am still working on it - I am bad, difficult person who does not deserve love and peace but yet everything I do is opposite of that but yet I really believe this...that I could kill my mother or I fantasized when I was a child but I oppressed that so deep and survived it.

What makes me have relationship, keep employment and even have some wisdom is I am trying to cultivate my good natural side and my mother's good representation of her - they are all in me.

What makes heal is to be compassion to my bad natural side that my mother abused relentlessly and my mother's bad representation in me because I was mirroring her.

It is a life time process but I am chipping on the edges everyday. I am not angry I am bad. I am kind to why i feel I am bad because I know why and I can see it now.

The first therapist I had was embodiment of my mother's bad representation - very aggressive and used violent words...just imagine. she was lucky my mother's bad representation side did not show up. I got scared for me not for her and left.

My second therapist was great but he got scared of me so he also believed I was bad both naturally and with my mother's bad representation - just like my mother believed and even though he was supportive - sort of pity way, there was a limit to him helping me heal.

The only I feel I am healing is - I can see it clearly now and even that itself is healing for me.but my good side and my mother's good side in me are still a bit weaker than the other two...for now.


I hope rather than finding pride in the identification side, you find compassion. there is no other way out of this mesh.

 

[jimicrakdcorn]

its so hard as I can not tell you as you cant or wont understand but I push you away to protect you from ME

“Because to take away a man’s freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.” Madeleine L’Engle

 

[Mach123]

The other side is "I know your going to fuk me over why do you think I'm here?" I'll make you happy for awhile, don't worry about it. You're not the first one and definitely not the last! lol."

 

[Jay02]

I really needed to see this, especially since my boyfriend just ended things with me because of the therapy he will be going through after almost ten years of suppressed memories. He's finally getting help, and he told me he doesn't want me to be a part of that process. At the time, I was hurt. How come he couldn't trust me and our relationship instead of listening to what his doctor said that this may break relationships?

But now, I realize he let go because of that sole reason. He was protecting me from him (he's got violent tendencies especially now that the memories are being brought back to light). He loved/cared about me enough to let me go. I just hope we find our way back each other.

Thanks for this post and the many perspectives that were shared!

 

[bobagrill]

I do this all the time with my gf and it seems I have no power over it. I tried getting my gf to read things online with me, have bought books about complex ptsd and been reading them to her so she could understand why I do things the way I do them. Wish she knew I was protecting her from me because I'm a total piece of garbage living in misery every day. She's a beautiful women with a bright future ahead of her and I don't want her to rub off on me and her to become depressed.