Just taking stock

[IamFree]

i am grateful for PTSD.com for giving me this space to take stock of my family situation to help me process my greif this christmas...I am really identifying with this emotion this christmas I always used to run away from it every christmas...I am still trying to a little..i just very nearly booked a very expensive holiday during a difficult financial period but i just saw sense...more impulsive running away behaviour.........right well my family...I would not describe it as a dysfunctional family. were more like a nonfunctional family. Fathers getting old now and is health is detoriating rapidly...i am not saying this in a horrible way but i feel like i am waiting for him to die.Mother was murdered a decade ago. hes only really close to my sister....who i am not close to. She has a tendency towards drama and overeacting to the point were you never know what your going to say or do is going to cause a problem. She always apoligises but never does anything to change it. I am about done with her now after her latest reaction and saying she wont meet me anymore in a weekend away we planned and now i have lost 200 pounds on the train tickets coz i cant get a refund and still waiting to see if i can get a refund from the hotel. No one talks to my other sister..the scapegoat who is the cause of all the problems..the reality is that she has behaved badly but not half as badly as the rest of them. she smkoes pot a lot and drinks a lot..she has lost her kids to the care system as a result..but she is not fundamentally a bad person and i dread to think what will become of her...but i feel weary of having her visiting. ( i live in a different city) as she often asks me for money to borrow and i end up financially supporting her and then its difficult for me to get her to get me to pay me back. My brothers are cast adrift and they ignore me..I was not a great brother in my past using days so i cant hold that against them and i cant force forgivness on people. I am not able to have much acess to my neices and nephews as my overeactive rageholic sister withdraws contact when she is in one of her moods ...and the others like i mentioned have been taken into care..................and still i hold out for a fairy tale ending.....I think a childhood of fairy tales and disney cartoons makes me think there will be one in the end....but its more like one of those wildlife programmes...were i am the baby animal and the mother animal has died and i dont realise it and i keep on hanging around thinking its still alive....

 

[IamFree]

So part two as i got so emotional writing that. I have finally realise i need to let go of this dream of happy endings. I have to focus my energy on healing my self now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate to the pain you carry inside your heart. It is very hard to go no contact in order to make your life better. It would be very hard to do this and it will take a long time for your healing to happen.

What kind of healthy support do you have right now? You are going to need so much support to see you through the grief of this situation and I think you working on your own healing and recovery is a very fine idea. I wish you so much luck. You are so worth fighting for.

 

[IamFree]

I do have some limited contact with my sister and father . its more a case of me knowing now I am not going to get what i need from them. i am happy i have reached a point with them were i am just able to be civil with them and / or just leave them be if there having a funny turn. it makes me getting on with my own life easier as i am not feeling all bitter and twisted...dont look back in anger as the saying goes...or i would say look back with commpassion.....I am sending dad and sister a christmas card and present tommorow . I am not anticipating receiving anything back but I have decided to anyway as i think its good for my heart to do this and I dont want to let other peoples behaviour destroy my heart.