- Is there any research on allowing people to hold you and it helping you to progress through the healing stages?
- When I am being triggered by touch. How do I let others know when it is ok to touch me and when its not?
- What are healthy things for my friends to do to help me feel safe with hugs and people touching my shoulders?
- How do I find a good therapist to talk with; when I can not talk at all?
- Is it better to talk to a female or male? I find that no matter what gender anyone is I am very uncountable and my skin feels like its going to crawl off.
SBump,
Welcome to the forum! I am glad you are here and on the path to recovery. You are not nuts, you have been injured and survived. You are also not alone, many kind people are here and ready and willing to offer any help we can give. I also have a few touch issues, and would like to try to answer your questions and share what works for me.
1. As far as research on allowing people to hold you, I am coming up blank. I do know from experience that it can be helpful if and only if the person who is holding or touching you is someone you trust, has your permission, and understands to stop when you start to feel uncomfortable.
2. I try to warn people that are close to me in advance that I have space issues, it is not their fault, but they may hurt me or put themselves at risk if they do not respect my reflexes. With people that I do not know very well, I find that body language can help. I back away when they approach, or give them a "death look" which seems to communicate my feelings pretty clearly. If people still do not respect me, or I am starting to get triggered, I try to calmly use some self defense techniques I learned. If the person is holding your arm or wrist it is easiest to break free by pulling through the area between their thumb and index finger. If someone is holding you from the front you can safely push on their breast bone with the palm of your hand, or when necessary use your thumb to gently press the spot where the throat and collar bone intersect. Also, twisting while dropping down is a good way to get out of a great big bear hug. If someone comes at you from behind, then SING (solar plexis, instep, nose, groin) works very well and odds are that the person will not try it again. If and when you feel safe being touched, you can either initiate the touch yourself or tell the person that it is ok to touch you.
3. The healthiest ways your friends can help you feel space are to first respect your personal space, second ask before touching you, third place themselves between you and the person who is trying to touch you and fourth reassure you that you are safe using soft words and even tone of voice.
4. The best way to find a good therapist is trial and error. If you are having trouble talking at all, and the therapist recognizes this on his/her own in a supportive and compassionate way, that is a good sign. It also helps to ask about their expertise in dealing with trauma and ask for referrals to people who specialize in trauma recovery.
5. The female or male issue is entirely dependent on your preference. I prefer female, but that is just me. Let the therapist know about any anxiety issues or discomfort as you experience it. I have found that it can help to hold one of the pillows in the office, or bring a blanket or stuffed animal to hide behind. It is important for you to feel safe when you are talking, and given the level of anxiety you have expressed it might be safest to use some form of medicine before therapy so you do not re-traumatize yourself. If conventional synthetics are not ok with you, then I would suggest valerian root, kava root, hops, melatonin (low dose), or a calming warm tea.
I hope at least some of that helps with your anxiety. I wish you the best in your recovery and look forward to hearing about your progress in the near future!
Liz H.
