Sufferer Just Waiting Around To Die

[Loner]

I lied, I will offer ONE more peice of advice because I think it might actually help you.

The trauma will never stop. Life is full of little traumas. Life IS traumatic. it is beautiful and joyous at times, or at least can be, but it is painful. Thats the deal.

There are two kinds of fear. One is a legitimate warning of very real dangers which can and will hurt you if you ignore this fear. The other is just a voice, whispering death and fear and doubt into your ear. In order to be happy you will need to learn which one is which, heed the warnings, and make a habit out of doing everything the voice of death tells you that you shouldn't do because it will hurt. You will probably find this analogy trite, but I am a skier. I like to jump off things. Sometimes I stand on top of a cliff and look at the landing and know it is beyond my ability with the given conditions and I don't jump off it. Sometimes I look at something I KNOW I am capable of doing safely and am afraid, and I try as often as possible to push myself to overcome that fear and trust in my abilities. The line between them is blurred and vaugue, and there is some overlap, if I don't trust the valid warnings I suffer life altering physical injuries, if I refuse to confront my fear at all all my happiness self love and beauty that exists inside me beings to die and fester into depression.

This is the exact same dynamic fear has in every day life. There are real valid dangers out there, but there are also lots of things which merely frighten us but have the potential to bring us joy. PTSD is many things, but one thing it is is an impairment to being able to differentiate the two different kinds of fear. Yes, there is more trauma possibly in store for you that you need to protect yourself from but there is also joy, and it won't seek you out if you're isolating, you have to go out and find it, mostly within yourself, although you won't find it in yourself without going out into the world and out of your comfort zone, even if you don't think you have one.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi DeadMann, welcome to you.

I can relate to the feelings you describe- I call it "(my clothes) are on fire". And it is the norm, rather than the exception to the rule, that is, it is rarely interrupted or overturned, no matter how I appear on the outside. I think your analogy was a good one, also. "Just give me a solution and make the pain and torment stop", is how it reads to me. I understand also feeling sub-human, or non-human, and burdensome. I saw myself in a mirror at work today and I thought it's like a monster looking back.

You are extremely articulate, you mention homelessness to contend with as well. The stress and realities of that let alone everything else are enough to make anyone feel worthless or despairing or trapped. I don't know your story, but I hope you will cut yourself some slack. Start small- baby steps. (Posting here is a big one). But I will disagree with you on only one point: you are more than the sum of your traumas (which you did not deserve, whatever they may be, or whatever you needed to do to survive them, to this present moment). And no matter how illegitimate the places you offered your experience and support, I am sure those who heard your words knew they had someone who understood on the other end.

I hope that as Ruckster suggested you will consider accepting the support and understanding offered here. It can get better, and hopefully you will find a refuge here.

Peace to you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Loner,

I find your comments a bit harsh for the intro forum. Perhaps you need to remember that the people who post here are new to the forum, and as such, some are reaching out for the first time or don't have any other support other than this new-found place.

I would hate for someone to be scared off because a seasoned member decided to lay on a few harsh "realities"... And I do say "realities" because in the end they're just opinions.

Deadmann,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find the support you need. Gentle hugs.

 

[Hashi]

I think torture takes away our human-ness (not humanity, but the state of being human) in a way that nothing else does. This isn't to say one type of trauma, or one person's trauma, is any more or less than another - trauma doesn't work that way, it can't be measured on a scale. But it's in the nature of torture to render us non-human. It is a kind of death without actually dying. I feel like a ghost passing for a human being.

I'm sorry for your injuries and continuing pain - physical and psychological. I admire you for not abusing alcohol and drugs. You're doing better than me in that regard. You're also helping other people. It sounds like perhaps you're a wounded healer.

Most therapists aren't trained to deal with this. Here in the UK, the few specialist services are only for refugees, which I'm not. I've found that very difficult, because therapy is one of the few things that can make me feel a little more accepted/acceptable. (I've found a good therapist but she's not experienced with torture so we're having to find our way through this as we go along.) If you've decided not to follow the therapy route any more, I can understand that, though.

I started a thread here about healing from torture. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/healing-from-torture.25614/[/DLMURL] It's not for any details of what happened, only how we feel and how we deal with that (or don't). Of course you don't have to look at it if you don't want to. Mabye it could help to feel less alone with this, maybe it wouldn't help because no two people have identical reactions or approaches.

How we see ourselves as human again, I'm not sure. I'm still working on it. At least people on this forum see us as humans with a right to be here, whatever darkness we're in. You're not a leper or an outcast on this site. I'm very sorry for your reasons to join us, but you're welcome.

 

[p-no]

I am here because I have nothing else.

And because you are still alive. Believe it or not, I am glad about this. Welcome.

 

[DeadMann]

One thing I should ask about. It was said that I was being too harsh and it may be a problem. I do not know how to talk about my situation in euphemism or coded terms. I am not, as a new member, fully acclimated to the conventions here. Frankly, this whole concept is unnerving, having a lot to do with technology I do not understand and will never really learn. (I have only a simple burn-phone and do not know the telephone number of it and although it apparently has a camera innit do not know how to use it - if that helps you see the situation.) The bottom line is that if I make a mistake or need to do something, I hope you'll just come out and tell me what I need to do so I can do the right thing. I feel like an outsider to the world as it is, so it doesn't surprise me that I don't fit in or end up being the turd in the punchbowl here. However, it is not intentional and I do not mean at all to upset anyone or intrude on your community.

Loner: I did not mean to offend you or make it sound like I was not listening. I was trying to make the point that what I have been doing is taking risks since this happened, but that after all these years my capacity to overcome fear, pain, and disability has been taxed to its limits. I find that loading more risk for more failure and misery on a life that is now just composed primarily of living like a solitary animal trying to survive day to day is beyond what I think I can handle. As JuneBug observed, I am at a point where I am probably only capable of having someone say, "Do this and see if it works", assessing whether I can cope with it, and taking a shot if I can. I am out of bullets. I have nothing left to try or draw on because I lack knowledge, evidence, or ideas that haven't failed or haven't caused untenable suffering. I know there is no golden pill or unicorn dust for this and know that I will have to do something that will probably be less than comfortable - I just have no idea what that might be.

If you read Viktor Frankl, his book Man's Search for Meaning explains that even in the outrage of the death camps, people survived if they found purpose in their lives. Those who could not, died. Purpose is among the succor that humans require. We tend to forget that the universe does not start and end with a single person and that humans are social animals that can not thrive without others. We tend to think that only a baby will stop thriving and die if not given the solace/comfort they need. Think on this and you may see how people and things and acts that enter your life are a nurturing and necessary aspect of existence just as food and water might be. Perhaps we have not made clear these kinds of definitions.

Finally, to your point and to clarify for others... I was not tortured in the military. I was not raped. The only sexual context was that the leader/head torturer was a sexual sadist, getting off on giving others pain. He had to do little but wait and provide a few extra shots to get things moving once my ankles were chained behind me to my wrists (hog-tied) - he just had to keep me conscious and screaming in pain as my own body ripped itself to bits in uncontrollable spasms. My situation is somewhat unusual and so I don't even fit into the most common categories and once again have trouble finding solutions. My hell is mine, yours is yours. What I do have to say is that my torture left me crippled so not only will I never ski, I have days where getting to a store for food is a full day's effort and the limit of my ability to endure pain. I say this only to invite you to contemplate the idea that it is possible for someone to be so messed up that the things that provide you solace or enjoyment are not available to them. I'll leave it at that because I felt obligated to try to make clear that I did not want to anger or offend you, have a different viewpoint, and hope you will not remain upset at what I have said. In any case, I do appreciate that you have taken the time and effort to respond.

Hashi: I agree with you. I guess we all define what happened to us in our own way. I struggled for years to figure out what was missing, what was making things so hard to cope with and only recently have discovered it was my life I lost. The world as I was able to make sense of it. I live every day with a profound sense of loss and in the absence of anything to replace it, live as a ghost as you describe in a place I no longer feel a part of or welcomed in. I will read your document but a bit later. Right now, discussing this is setting off a lot of stress and the flashbacks are lurking. You are also right about making comparisons. I have known people who both died from what appeared to be less than what I had done to me and people who survived untouched by PTSD with far more. It goes to my observation about the balance between misery and solace that must be found and walked in order to survive - you can't walk in another man's shoes, only try to comprehend the effort and direction.

People tell me there is effective therapy for PTSD. Perhaps I am too late to the game. Perhaps my trauma is such that the therapy becomes part of the problem. However, I have a logical mind and am not a child, and so no longer can survive on smoke blown up my skirt but need a rational plan or direction or goal. (I may not fully agree with Loner, for example, but appreciate his direct approach.) As I said earlier, sitting in endless therapy session paying for 50 minute hours from a disability check that won't even allow me to have a home and having someone continually try to get me to fabricate (from some magic realm) answers I came to find or having them ask over and over about feelings is a waste of my time. I feel awful and have no solutions and make that quite clear. I do not want a magic wand waved over me, but a tool box to build something out of. I am not abdicating my responsibility or ducking away from the horror that is life, but trying to find some way to change this. Surely there must be things that I need to know or solutions I have not found for this. I thank all for the input that gives me fodder for thought.

 

[p-no]

DeadMann, where have you read that you were being too harsh? In this thread?

 

[DeadMann]

This is quite difficult and bewildering. There are more people here commenting, asking questions, etc. than I have spoken with in many months or perhaps years. I am sorry if I miss questions or fail to respond. I write just fine, and perhaps give the impression of being more capable than I am, so I need to say that processing all of this takes time for me.

SunnyD: I tried that once. A load of beer and a .357 in my hand. I'd been told I'd never walk, my right arm would need to come off, and that my head injuries would mean I would degenerate into a drooling lump without much even for memory. I could not pull the trigger - too much the coward. I do wake up resenting having to endure another day and have nothing but the wait to occupy my time and so place little value on my life. I may not try to prolong it but I won't take it. Thank you for your concern.

 

[DeadMann]

My mistake. ScaredOfLonely was addressing Loner. I misread the post. For what it is worth, Loner did challenge me a bit and my PTSD-ridden brain did start to get defensive, but I came for answers and he was providing them as he thought best. I did not see it as an attack, but as someone who felt strongly and was being blunt. If we are all here because of PTSD, then we probably already know that emotions can get out of hand and must try to allow for the same understanding we ask for ourselves, right? No harm done.

 

[KP the nut]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[sunnyd]

Hi Deadmann

you said:

I tried that once. A load of beer and a .357 in my hand. I'd been told I'd never walk, my right arm would need to come off, and that my head injuries would mean I would degenerate into a drooling lump without much even for memory. I could not pull the trigger

Reply:

Glad you did not pull the trigger. I guess with that news it would have been tempting to think about ending life. So the doctors got it wrong and painted a terrible worst picture of what could have been for you. It could have been game over for you and they were so wrong. Clearly your mind is far from memory. Hows the walking? and your arm?

Chronic Pain fairly grinds away, I do hope you are looking after yourself and have pain relief. I can only go 4 hours without mine. Hope your doing ok

Sunnyd

 

[DeadMann]

At the time I was told that I could have spine surgery, but it would reduce pain along with guaranteeing I'd never walk again. It appears that wheelchair life means a short spiral down and so I decided to make friends with the pain and have some legs that worked. My lower right leg and foot did not work - pinched off nerves - but I figured out how to walk anyway. I finally got surgery 5 years ago and am still up on crutches. I have some control restored but the atrophy did it's work. I keep swearing I will throw the crutches away by year's end. Three times now. I kept the arm, again despite the docs, and have had 5 surgeries to repair the torture damage so far. The last restored use of two of my fingers. Still lots of pain, but whining doesn't appear to make it better. I have memory problems. I know faces but can't put names to them. I am missing something like ten years, in the middle of which I graduated with honors from a university. I have papers that say so, but I recall very little of being there. Some of it comes back in flashes, so I think it's there somewhere, just not readily accessible. I sometimes wake up suddenly knowing something or remembering an event. Weird. It appears my Cadillac brain was turned into a Chevrolet, but it could have been far worse.

Pain meds scare the hell out of me. I took them after the spine surgery and later found out what narcotic withdrawal is like. No one told me what I was taking and I learned the hard way and suffered through a 5-day cold-turkey withdrawal because I would NOT allow it to control me any more. I'm told few manage it. If you get how the torture strips you of your control, you will understand how a drug having control over me would be intolerable. I take half a dose at a time of Oxy, but only when the pain becomes overwhelming. I take what I call vacation days. One pill in one day that seems to reset my capacity to endure the pain and I never take a second pill. I think the way it works is that because I know I can stop the pain pretty much when I need to the crushing affects of the pain can be managed. Who's in control, right? I want to take a lot more a lot more often, but know the cumulative affects of narcotic drugs and can't allow myself to be hooked again. I frustrate doctors because I don't want or need narcotics. I have had several surgeries after which I never even filled the prescriptions. Perhaps at some point if people are interested, I will try to explain what I have learned about pain and pain management. I'm pretty sure I'd be dead by now if I had not found an alternative to lots of pills and maybe others could benefit.

As to the trigger... I meant it when I said cowardice kept me from pulling it. It's true. But I also think that then as now I had some modicum of perverse hope that said I needed to hang on to see what happened next. I do not know whether it was good or bad. It has meant suffering I often thought I would not survive and the daily rubbing of my nose in the loss of my life. Terrible isolation. I have little to show beyond pig-headed survival. As I grow closer to the end of my life I am forced to see a wasted life, wasted potential, and a lack of anything that would mean anyone would care when I died. Isn't it Scott that wrote about being double dead for being unloved and unregarded? I've probably butchered it.

What balances that? Occasionally I have been able to be the ears someone needed to hear their troubles. Sometimes I have found the words they needed to get through a bad time. For some reason women who have been raped talk to me, appear to trust me, and find some relief from their trauma. I theorize this is because we share a trauma that has similarities with people exercising brute force to take power away, but I have been too concentrated on their needs to dig into the whys of it all. It occurs to me that when I can get outside myself I have my best times. It's the closest I get to being human and wish it occupied more of my time.