Just Want To Fade Away

[Smile]

It's not that I want to kill myself, I don't. I just want to cease existing. I rennet asking my mother at 6 yrs old, "why was I even born???" So this is nothing new... Just stronger.

Like so many others, I'm exhausted. It's like having a sinus infection that never goes away. I feel like it's such a waste of energy. My energy & any friends & family that care about me. Why drain people when the end will be the same, be it tomorrow or in 60 years?

Why waste money on living? In material things I care nothing about but just go through the rote hoping that one day it will make the difference?

Side note: T upset me greatly in last session and haven't gine back to him an ckm plan to. Started looking for trauma specialist but... takes too much energy :)

 

[Little Flower]

K. We are with u. This is depression
talking. It want to zap all ur energy n ur hope because feeds off of it. It's not hopeless. That is why the world is round we can't see too far ahead
But the sun will come up tomo and u will have another chance learn and cope with ur feelings and "disease "
It's ok to feel those horrible feelings. I get that every morning I wake up its not good morning. It's aw crap. I'm still here? Then I have to climb the mountain of functioning. Do some self care and just say. Ok. I'm gonna worry about this. Write it down. Share it with some. Finding people u feel this awful too is a comfort to me. Since I'm not alone I can lean on a buddy and my buddy can lean on me. Don't give up. Tomorrows a new day
Peace

 

[Intrepid]

I have a feeling that [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/little-flower.28330/"]Little Flower[/DLMURL] is right. What you describe sounds like depression. It's something to look into.

There's been so many times I didn't see what the point was. The pain, the craziness was just all to intense, and I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to be removed from the scene. I'm grateful now that I wasn't. I have come to see that it isn't the journey that's important, but getting to the end (For some people that's counter intuitive, but it's kept me going when I felt that the journey was a joke).

 

[Glara]

This is exactly how my sufferer is feeling right now. You could be him speaking to me. I told him he won't always feel this way, and he won't. And neither will you.

 

[Smile]

I don't understand why it matters whether I'm depressed or not. Do you mean to say it's not real if its depression? Call it what you want, it's still the same emotion. I don't know how many "tomorrow's" I can hold out for.

I don't mean to be rough but I have issues with being classified as "depressed"

 

[Fadeaway]

See my user name? There is a reason I picked it. It isn't depression for me. it is pain, grief and hopelessness. The fact that I have horrible and frighting reactions to anti-depressants prove that.

Of course it could be depression,for you, I don't know, but PTSD does take it's physical toll. It's exhausting and it could be that your mind and body are just tired.

 

[Little Flower]

Smile. I apologize if I was too forward or flippant. I only wanted to show u that u can have a brighter day tomo. I understand the giving up well. Ur welcome to message any time. Again since we just met Im sorry if my replied seemed simplistic
Peace

 

[Intrepid]

Mis-diagnosis is rampant. I'm sorry. I'm not qualified to diagnose, and I too have issues with being told I'm something I'm not.

When you said you have been feeling this way since you were 6 it didn't occur to me that that could be in response to trauma.

 

[Little Flower]

It's cool. I hope we can get to know each other I look forward to it
:hug: if u accept them
Flower

 

[Lucycat]

T upset me greatly in last session and haven't gine back to him an ckm plan to.

I am not sure what you mean here. Are you going to contact your therapist and let him know just how bad you are feeling? It would be a good idea. I note you feel the need to find a trauma specialist, but that feels too difficult. Is it something that your existing T could help you with?

I too had issues about being called depressed at one point. I had the medical team insisting I was depressed and had to take anti-depressants - or they would not discharge me from hospital. However he mental health team said I was distressed and not depressed. I took the antidepressants for a wee while and then gave them up. They made no difference to me. However therapy did help. For me EMDR has helped me see a point in living, of going on. It is not always a battle any more.

 

[Smile]

Thank you for apologies... I fully understand. Sometimes posting on here is like walking minefield :)

@Fadeaway, yes that's how I feel! Thank you!

@Intrepid, yes, I definitely think that feeling this from such a young age is related to the trauma... Thanks for reminding me :)

@Lucycat: my T has given me the whole speech multiple times about there being no way of knowing if I will ever get to fully or even partially know what happened to me. Every time he does, it makes me feel like crap. I feel like all the work I've done till now is worthless. That again, my universe has shifted and I have no idea what I come from and therefore why I am the way I am. Also, I've made some connections with childhood memories and current fears which had my T say that something sexually traumatic probably happened. But than he goes and gives me the same old speech. I dont know why. I'm not that stupid, I remember what he said. And wen he previously did it, I had sent him an email explaining that it upset me and why. And he apologized and we discussed it. So it shouldn't of happened again.

I don't feel like I can trust him. In addition, I just found out that he is (at least partially) the reason my disability was denied. He didn't respond to them in time. And I texted that to him and received no apology. So that's the story... Hope that clarifies

Also, re EMDR: I want to try it but he doesn't do it. One of the many reasons I need to find a trauma specialist