Just When I Thought I Was On Top Of Things!?

[adm13113]

So for a long time I struggled with my partners noon swing, isolation, lack of desire for basically anything. Truth was I was ignorant to Ptsd. I hadn't learned the ins and outs or the severity of the disorder. I spent a good year really doing alot of research. Education myself on the dos and don't. triggers, night traumas etc. Just when I thought I was on top with it all. I just realised that my self esteem is plummeting. I think I've been so wrapped up in looking after my sufferer that I have completely forgotten about my needs... I feel like I don't really like myself any more.. That when his moods change its only with me.. Its only I who he is nasty or cheeky to.. Its me who is constantly reassuring him etc. I seem to have no confidence and feel more insecure.. Anu ideas what I doing wrong!?

 

[Jnean]

it sounds to me like you have done everything that you thought you could do at the time. You haven't failed. Take some time for you, keep supporting your partner and its okay to ask for support from your partner too, my advice is be specific to what you need and ask how you can help specifically. Think of something that you love or makes you feel happy and do it or plan to do it. This could be really hard actually, I have tough times with it too. Good luck!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Honestly, to me it doesn't look like you're doing anything wrong, and more like you're catering to him to the point where you're forgetting about your own needs. Never sacrifice your wellbeing or happiness in favor of his! He has his needs, yes, but if he is acting nasty to you, don't let him do that. With my sufferer, I absolutely do not tolerate her insulting, snapping or berating me. If she starts spitting at my face when I am being kind and patient, I set a boundary and I do not let her talk to me that way. Since she and I are friends long distance, I can do that, but I understand that it's a bit more difficult in person. I'd personally recommend setting a boundary by saying that you're not going to let him be nasty to or insult you, and just turn around and leave, go do something else, let him cool down. PTSD or not, it's no excuse for verbal abuse. Standing up for yourself and asserting your space and needs is necessary in all relationships, and this is no exception.

I felt the same way as you for a long time - I started really feeling insecure and powerless, and I started to hate myself, until I started standing up for my needs and wants. I respected her thoughts, opinions, feelings and triggers, and was nothing but kind and loving to her, but no, I will not let that govern my happiness and emotional needs. Setting boundaries is important if you haven't yet! Continue to be kind, loving, supporting and patient; that's really good and very important. But know that you're important too :)

 

[Sideways]

If the level of care and compassion in your relationship is flowing equally between you both, then maybe some communication would be helpful, because it sounds like you care for him immensely, but can't sustain what you're currently doing. There's a good chance that he'd be pretty concerned about that if you could talk about it. Sometimes including the therapist, who will have constructive ways to manage these issues, can be a safe, structured environment for conversations like that.

I have ptsd, and sure, it demands a level of understanding from my loved ones. But it's not an excuse for intolerable behaviour - they have feelings and vulnerabilities too. Ptsd may explain much of my behaviour, but it is not a free ticket to behave destructively.

Besides which, there are times when my loved ones do struggle to cope with the thorns from my illness. I always want to know. I need them to stay healthy, happy, and capable of continuing to support me. So when there are issues with how I'm behaving, or how they're coping, I always want to know about it. Ptsd or not, we're all still human:)

 

[Sideways]

And thank you for sharing that story. It's incredibly helpful to be reminded every now and again that there are people, who haven't experienced it first hand, who want to educate themselves and help. Just because they care. That's so reassuring to hear sometimes.

 

[Friday]

I think I've been so wrapped up in looking after my sufferer that I have completely forgotten about my needs...

^^^^
This. :)

Time to start getting balance (& boundaries) back in, yes?