Keeping busy to ward off depression?

[Keen]

Does anyone get really depressed when they're not keeping themselves really busy?
This has been my experience. I've been a college student for the last 7 years and each summer was so hard to go through because I didn't have enough to keep my mind busy and safe from depression.
Now I'm graduating with my bachelors degree (and should feel proud and happy), but today I'm just feeling terrified of falling into depression again. Because of PTSD, I haven't been able to get a job or even volunteer anywhere for the last several years.
I wish I could think of things to do with my spare time, hobbies or other things, but every time I try to, every option seems overwhelming and impossible because of anxiety. I feel like a triathlete who got paralyzed and feels totally trapped in their non-working body. Anxiety just makes me totally trapped and imprisoned, and it feels really bleak at times.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm just whining and being annoying, if so I'm worry. But I just felt like I wanted someone to tell how I'm feeling right now, hoping just communicating might help.

 

[Deadman]

Is it because you are not busy or because you don't have a sense of purpose when you are not working towards the degree? Its a fine distinction I know but I think its an important one.

 

[Keen]

Is it because you are not busy or because you don't have a sense of purpose when you are not working to...

I think its kind of both.
Not being busy, even for like 30 minutes, I start getting depressed. Its like I have to keep my mind really distracted cause the moment it isn't, depressed thoughts just flood in.
But also, I'm not sure what to do now that I've gotten a degree. It was a goal I had, and cool to accomplish. But it doesn't help me to get a career or anything (I'd need a masters for that, and can't afford to go for one right now) because it seems like being a student is the only aspect of life I am able to be successful in (although it made school extremely hard), everything else the PTSD just disables me from doing. So yeah, it feels like I have no purpose anymore. I wish I could just think of a new goal to pursue (beyond, "get a job"), but I just cant think of anything that is motivating or that seems possible and I don't have a good track record of succeeding in pursuing anything else besides my degree. It seems like my life is pretty worthless and meaningless.

 

[Deadman]

OK so I will try to figure out how this has worked out for me and maybe you can be smarter than I was.

When I knew something had gone wrong with my brain I sunk myself into the superficial aspects of work. As long as I was 'busy' I didn't have to face me. It was a temporary reprieve.

The sense of purpose idea is much more difficult to deal with. As long as I had an outside sense of purpose I did OK. It was only when I started to question that purpose that things got difficult.

So yeah, it feels like I have no purpose anymore.

I truly understand that feeling. It is very sad that you feel that so early in life.

I don't have a good track record of succeeding in pursuing anything else besides my degree.

I don't think succeeding is what really matters. Its more about finding something you know is worth the effort. Keep looking for that purpose.

Having said all that, you are not alone. I'm struggling to find a new sense of purpose. Many others here are too.

 

[Keen]

OK so I will try to figure out how this has worked out for me and maybe you can be smarter than I was....

Thank you for your thoughts and your validation/relating, it helps.

 

[Aquariuslady]

Hi, I can sympathise with you, I've been like this since about the age of 17, I'm nearly 50 now! I find as soon as I sit down to chill out I get horrible thoughts of my past in my head and have to get up and keep busy so I forget them also I have to play music really loudly to drown my thoughts out too. It is a way of escaping my thoughts and my therapist tells me to sit with the thoughts and think about them rather then keeping busy all the time, she's given me grounding techniques such as sitting with my back against a chair feet on the floor and looking around for different colours and smells and sounds etc to keep me present and stop me keeping busy. It's hard to do but after a while it does get easier.

 

[Keen]

Hi, I can sympathise with you, I've been like this since about the age of 17, I'm nearly 50 now! I find as soon...

Thanks, it is definitely difficult to deal with down time when you have PTSD and depression.

 

[Muted]

Are you doing any therapy right now?

 

[Keen]

Are you doing any therapy right now?

Yes. Its hard to bring this up in therapy though, it feels like there's too much else to work on, you know what I mean? I feel like the most important thing is to decrease the anxiety enough to get working again--when you only get an hour a week, you want to make it count.

 

[Muted]

Yep, I understand. Is it possible to do more than one session a week while your in between school and work?

 

[Keen]

No, she only works there 1 day a week, she has another job at a treatment center, individual therapy is kind of her "side job."
Today was actually my first non-busy day since I graduated last month because I went on a vacation and I did miraculously do some temp work which unfortunately is over, and until this weird thing happened that I just wrote about in the flashbacks forum, it wasn't too bad of a day. I'm just hoping I can somehow someway keep myself busy enough until I can get a job so I don't fall down depressions slope again. I think I maybe have PTSD from Major Depression because it was so traumatic, too.

 

[Muted]

That's too bad, because it seems like before you start your job would be a really good time to deal with some of this so that you don't have to try and balance your job and therapy.

I'm a pro at keeping busy, it helps to kind of avoid dealing with the painful trauma, but from my experience it catches up with you eventually.