Things surrounding my life have not necessarily gotten "better"...however through therapy and self-knowledge and self-care, I have gotten healthier and am so grateful that I didn't succeed in killing myself during those multiple attempts. I feel so much better because I've learned so much more about my ptsd. And with so many coping skills and how to live without self-destructive behaviors i.e. alcohol, drugs (elicit), sex (elicit), abusing food, monies, people, places, and things, (I used to pretty-near abuse everything) promiscuity/detrimental acting-out behaviors, and having gone through EMDR to halt most all of my debilitating trauma flashbacks/triggers, I can look back and see that I am not the same person and I've grown so much in my ptsd recovery.
That I myself can see a drastic and healthy shift in my thinking, feeling, behaviors, etc. is a huge positive step in recovery for me. That I do not have to rely on someone else now to tell me that I am moving forward in my ptsd recovery is an amazing place for me to be in right now. And I too am beyond thankful that I did not succeed in taking my own life...for I would have missed out on continuing to learn about so many things that are me, what I like, don't like, can do, cannot do, can control, cannot control, and am learning that I can be at peace with myself inside of me without drugs, alcohol, a man, without anything external...now all internal.
I am still struggling financially, and my child within me still cries out for me for more self-love, self-nurturing, one-on-one therapy (resumes next month), and I'm still learning more about my brain, mind, and how (not "why" anymore) I think certain ways and still feel as I do (perps taught me very sick thinking/feeling about my self) that are nonproductive. I truly know now that I can only change myself when recovery knowledge and information that I am willing to receive and learn from is showing me what I need to change within myself in order to not be self-destructive and to not live up in my crazy ptsd mind anymore. For one thing has not changed and that is on its own and left to thinking on its own...my brain seems to be out to get me. I have a lot of control now more than ever over my brain and mind due mainly to choosing to live a healthier lifestyle. Yet, I am very aware that perps/pervs did incredible damage more than likely to my hippocampus, pre-frontal cortex, etc. and there are some biological and physiological factors that are simply out of my control and I cannot turn back the hands of time over and reset all of my body's biology to before "caregivers" so egregiously harmed my body's internal workings. But I refuse to give up trying to heal my mind, body, and soul.
Living in self-forgiveness (doubt I'll ever forgive perps/pervs aka "caregivers") for how I perpetuated for decades and acted out what was torturously, viciously, and cruelly done and taught to me by "caregivers" to my mind, body, and soul is where I am at right now in my ptsd recovery. I was taught (and not taught healthily) how to behave and act-out and I have been acting out oh so self-destructively. I must watch out for depression and also how my mind can wrap and warp itself around some unhealthy people's life choices, and ways of thinking, feeling, and being and be around only people now who are trying to live lives in harmony and love (not hate and cruelty). I so used to emulate and imitate others especially dysfunctional ones because I had no self whatsoever and I only felt "comfortable" around dysfunctional everything.
Now I am learning that it is okay to build a self (never had a loving self ever) and am in mid-process of disconnecting my self from some people in my personal life here where I live that are not only toxic...they if I continue to let them will glom their negativity and self-destructive thinking and behaviors onto me and I am so over being around people that I allowed to make me feel that I was worthless and no good, etc.
Today, I choose to be around loving and giving people who are trying (and many are succeeding) to enjoy their lives and are filled with gratitude like me. Again, I'm so grateful that I didn't die...and was taught here in this forum that I did not really want to die...I just wanted the unrelenting pain, flashbacks, triggers, insomnia (still working on this), living in memories (not so much anymore), on and on...to stop. And for the most part...the only pain I have right now is when I choose to sit in my crazy brain's rendition of "woe is me" and sit in what happened to me as see my self as a victim of my circumstances now.
I cannot do anything now about what perps/pervs did to my mind, body, and soul back then and I lived for decades after with what they'd done to my precious body, mind, and soul. And it's taken many years to finally learn that I now do have control over what I think, feel, my actions, etc. and how I choose now to allow therapy, friends, and so many tools, techniques that I utilize to empower me, positively continue to change and grow me into the beautiful (not talking about looks here) and loving creature that had been suffocatingly and stiflingly shoved down into the proverbial rabbit hole of what perps/pervs did to my mind, body, and soul.
I choose today to live in happiness, serenity, and peace this day and will fight like hell to prevent anyone and anything from stealing and robbing me from my happiness this day. Earlier before I came on-line here in to this forum, I was standing in the kitchen and freaked the hell out of myself by saying "I'm happy." "I am really happy today." So for me only there is ptsd recovery until I die to be experienced and appreciated and even enjoyed only if I am willing (and I am oh so willing) to do the work, and to cut the chains that bound me to the ocean depths. I got so freaking sick and tired of being depressed, re-traumatized by my present circumstances, and slowly and steadily have chosen to fight and discover (not re-discover) for the first time just how much control I do have over my happiness and serenity now. And I am learning that I have a lot of control over my own moods, feelings, thoughts, actions/behaviors.
