Kind Of... Floored!

[Deleted member 1860]

I had a falling out with a friend awhile ago. Oh, yes, I've talked about here here before. If anyone remembers "mimi" lol. Anyway, I messaged her on facebook to apologize for my past behavior. I was hoping that she would accept my apology, but sadly, she didn't. That's her right, and I accept it. My former friend hasn't really changed her ego-centric behavior and still couldn't see that she had any part whatsoever in the failure of our friendship. But I digress...

The part that floors me is that she is a self-proclaimed political activist and as such told me that she couldn't be friends with me simply because I go to church. Mind you, up to this point the only thing I ever shared with her about my spirituality was that it had brought me much healing. I never preach about it or force my views on other people. I rarely talk about it at all simply because it is extremely personal to me and I feel no need to defend my views to anyone.

Why does she hate church goers so much? Apparently she has taken to hating anything God or religion related because of her sexual orientation. Because SOME religious people have persecuted homosexuals, she has taken to hating anything even remotely related to God or religion. The ironic part is that she went so far as to call me a "sheeple" (a follower who can't think for herself) but in reality she is the one who hates anyone who doesn't fully agree with her views and see things the way that she does. (Again, she has no idea what my beliefs are, just that they have brought me healing.)

I understand the activism bit, it just saddens me that so many activists such as herself actually believe they are doing good by furthering the divide and alienating people rather than working to get everyone on the same page working for a common cause. Really, I support gay rights, as do many other spiritual people, but she refuses the support of people like me because we have a spiritual connection? But I digress....

She has been traumatized as well and I can't help but wonder if she is now going through the anger stage and she is dealing by spreading her anger in a very public way. In a way I get it, but at the same time, I hope that she is able to move past this phase. I went through a time where I hated everyone and everything, even God. I still struggle with the self-hatred at times but I've moved past the worst of it.

I ended the "conversation" by saying that I was sorry she still harbored so much anger and that I wish her the best. At one point she was one of my best friends, and I still care for her and wish her the best even though she is no longer in my life.

I'm curious as to whether or not this could be the anger phase that will subside or if my former friend really has turned into a hateful person? I'm hoping this is just a part of her journey. I would be very sad if I knew that this hate was with her for life. :(

 

[arfie]

Your friend is the only one who can know what is going on in her own psyche. The rest of us can only guess. If her baggage is even a fraction as messy as my own baggage train is, she can't tell you why she reacts irrationally at times because she doesn't know doesn't know why. Sorting through the PTSD madness is no JUST feat.

My most treasured friends JUST hold my hand to hold me steady while I sort. Sometimes they just hold me while I cry before they dry my eyes with a gentle joke.

 

[Abstract]

What a sad sad and misguided reason not to be friends with someone. I say that as someone who isn't religious. I do also agree that a certain amount of activists can become rigid and a bit narrow minded. Sadly.

Is it possible this is about something else and she isn't saying? Is she the type of person to do that rather than addressing it directly?

I hope she finds a calmer and more open way of looking at the world. For her sake and those who are her friends and family.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it may be something else, but why not just leave it at "I don't forgive you for your past actions"... I mean why add in the religion thing, seemingly out of the blue?

It took a LOT for me to try and make amends with her. I don't pretend to be an angel in all of this. I said some nasty things to her in the past but she took it to the next level with physical threats. Of course she said it was justified and has no apologies for telling other people to harm me.

I think she was doing everything she could to try and bring me down. I've seen this sort of behavior in her in the past. You're either with her or you're her worst enemy.

I hope she finds a way past her anger. I know all too well what it feels like to be stuck with such rage. It's so much better when you can finally see the light of the other side. I wish I could help her in some way but I realize this journey is all her own. I know she can't see things the way I can and trying to explain anything would fall on deaf ears.

 

[Abstract]

I agree that rage and revelling in rage is toxic. And that there is never any excuse for threatening physical violence unless as a direct threat in a physical assault. I hope she finds her way.

 

[wicked child]

I imagine that religion, is connected to her PTSD. Maybe, a pedo priest, or something like that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have no idea....Just a few years ago she had a sense of spirituality but now she's against it all. I know of two of her traumas but neither of those were related to religion. On the other hand I was molested by a church figure and worked past my anger toward God and religion.

 

[WillyKat]

I think you're absolutely right that she's going through an anger phase.

There was a time when I wanted to change the world through politics, which now that I think about it was also about the time I loathed anything to do with religion. Just FYI, most of my friends growing up and from high school all became born again back when that was a movement. They expected me to follow suit and when I didn't, got distance away from me. One mentioned something about "riding me down" on judgement day.

But after many, many years, I now accept the idea of spirituality. How weird is it that I'm also doing a lot better with my anger problems? I still have a lot of issues with organized religion. But this isn't the place for me to go into that.

You may have to wait a long time for her to reach a later stage, and its possible she may never reach. It's also possible that she will reach it but never reach out to you. I think you did the right thing by saying you care. There's little else you can do.

It's damn hard. I have a friend too that I cannot reach, and she needs someone to reach her. She has signs of some kind of dissociative disorder but I'm pretty sure she's never received treatment. I've had to give up trying to reach her and can only hope that she reaches out.

 

[Abstract]

riding me down" on judgement day.

Good grief... Lovely.

Just saying ... I don't have anger issues and I am not religious. I actually think anyone who is judgemental about someone elses choices has some sort of stuff going on. Even if it is just arrogance or narrow mindedness.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not sure what's going on anymore. The friendship has been on the downward spiral for years. I can't do anything more to fix it or to help my friend. I am trying to accept this. I think there may be a bit of both arrogance and narrow minded ness involved, and it saddens me.

I know I'm far from perfect and I know I haven't been the greatest friend at times.

I liken my relationship with her to that of my mother. My mother has narcissistic traits although I don't believe it's full blown narcissism. My friend exhibits a similar selfishness and self- centered ness in that the world revolves around her. I think that in part, the reason I was drawn to my friend as a kid was because of my mom.

 

[jesse]

Maybe your friend has Borderline Personality Disorder? I have a friend and two family members with it and it sounds like that type of behavior...I am not a therapist just sharing personal experiences especially where the most finite slight in their eyes and they no longer talk to you. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@jesse,
Which symptoms point to borderline?

I have no idea what her diagnosis' are outside of PTSD, but I know she has quite a few. (She rattled them off to me at one point.)

One thing that I've noticed is that she's very good at getting people to like her. She then surrounds herself with people who will bend over backward to give her everything she wants. Her girlfriend admits to being "whipped" and will literally do anything for her, including spending large sums of money (she's admitted to this, too). Her best friend follows her around like a puppy-dog. Those who won't bend over backwards, myself included, are kept at a greater distance. And god forbid you cross her, she'll threaten you.

And the thing is, she's SO good at hiding the dark side of herself. So many people can't see it. I'm sort of shocked that I can while others think she's so wonderful and choose to dismiss the darker side (if they can see it at all).