I am not here to complain. I love life. I love nature. I love walking or cycling through it. I find many things fascinating. I love good conversation with good people. I love jokes, affection and playfulness. In many ways I am thriving, and extremely fortunate.
I'm approaching 50, male, unmarried, no kids. C-PTSD, but massively recovered. I used to be angry, tearful, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, and withdrawn. Not any more. I do still ruminate, over-think, over-analyse - but it's more of a way of problem solving than dysfunction.
I decided to start this diary since my body packed in about five days ago. Prior to that had insomnia for a week. A tooth broke on an almond, requires prosthetic replacement. Then massive lower back spasm stopped me walking properly and produced a lot of pain. Three days of physiotherapy really helped, all three sessions I was told it was a consequence of psychological strain leading to immense physical tension rather than physical injury. Some kind of 'physiological breakdown'.
It's striking that I had thought I was coping, mentally. And my body disagreed. Yes indeed, the body keeps the score.
The factors are long term and short term.
1. The friend
The biggest factor is almost certainly that the most present person in my life is mentally ill and physically ill. She applied to enter a government psychiatric residential clinic in a few weeks after five years of unemployment, medication and therapy with not enough improvement to show for it. Her intense suffering, emotional dysregulation and manipulative and even abusive coping strategies are highly disturbing. And yet she is my main source of companionship, joy, laughter, shared enthusiasm and love.
2. The lawsuit
The most recent factor is a life-changing lawsuit in which I am suing an institution that cheated me very badly, but luckily there is evidence and a mass of similar litigations ending well. This has been years of wait and work. A long, personally triggering traumatic back story is involved. I spent several days totally focused on prep before the hearing, in which my own lawyer did something that was shockingly unprofessional. Notably enough, the attack of spasm came a few days after the first hearing, which went relatively well. Perhaps my body was coming out of fight mode, and said it's time to stop.
3. The career
I work too hard, it now seems. I am self-employed, so sometimes I go without work for a month. But most of the time, I have two or three projects at once, I work evenings and weekends. Especially over the past five years, work has been my lifeline. I've earned much more in that time than the decade before it. It is lucrative and is setting me up for a comfortable retirement. My clients are appreciative, and that's a very pleasant ego boost. It's generally quite interesting and satisfying. But sometimes I take on too much at once. Recently I've been approached by four new clients, each with their own communication style, which requires mental adjustment. I keep saying yes to everything, making hay while the sun shines.
4. The mother
My mother is coming to visit in a few days. I love her very much, and she triggers my stress. She's self-diagnosed as having autistic traits, and I agree with her. She's affectionate and fun and interested in the world. I fell out with her husband after my truth-telling about his abuse, and he responded by disinheriting her (and therefore me) in favour of his children. She's pretending it's okay, getting dragged back into his cult, which gives her the dissociation (escapism?), structure, rules and consoling stories that she needs. Her coping method is totally against my attitude to life, and I have to navigate around it. It also was the context of my childhood of cultic abuse, which I survived. I too often exhibit annoyance when she crosses my boundaries, bossing me around on things that are not her business, and I am constantly trying to learn how to respond in a more effective manner.
5. Bad habits, getting better
Not a daily user, but I have binged on alcohol very many times in my life, enjoying the escape session. After the last big one left me ill for a week, I gave up almost all booze about three months ago. Previously was averaging say one bottle of wine plus a couple of beers per week - but too often, I would have all that at once, on a Friday night. I've also cut added sugar by about 90% as of about three months ago. Apparently like most men - I watch too much porn. Not proud of it at all, rather disgusted, and aware that it's related to solitude and is an addiction. I can abstain and sometimes do for weeks at a time.
6. Physical activity
Got no car, live in the middle of a cycle-friendly city and cycle around town outside of winter. I get to the gym about three or four times a week, just for a short jog (2-3 miles) on the treadmill plus some weights, never pushing it too hard. Thought that's enough, but no. My 'body crime' is to sit all day on my laptop, usually on my couch. That is messing up my lower back. I had a prolapsed disk years ago so I should know better, and it's my fault for being negligent. I should have been doing yoga and weekly physio for the past 25 years. Very late now, but I must try something.
7. The location
I'm a British expat with family roots in the local culture in the country where I now live. The local culture often drives me crazy. From the British point of view (and yes I know we're messed up) they can be damn rude, negligent, and never own mistakes - it's always somebody else's fault. Their forwardness, agitation and angry outbursts would be considered a form of madness in England. This is a drip, drip of daily stress that has an effect. And yet I know it is part of me and my family story.
Today
I am letting my friend remain quiet after I sent her a boundary-setting message yesterday. I told her my body cannot cope with any added stress, and so I cannot hear hers right now. Unusually, she hasn't responded. I can feel I am tempted to call her to make sure she is okay, and stopping myself. I have loads of work to do as always, which is how I will spend my Sunday. Need to remind myself that I work too much. My body should come first.
I'm approaching 50, male, unmarried, no kids. C-PTSD, but massively recovered. I used to be angry, tearful, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, and withdrawn. Not any more. I do still ruminate, over-think, over-analyse - but it's more of a way of problem solving than dysfunction.
I decided to start this diary since my body packed in about five days ago. Prior to that had insomnia for a week. A tooth broke on an almond, requires prosthetic replacement. Then massive lower back spasm stopped me walking properly and produced a lot of pain. Three days of physiotherapy really helped, all three sessions I was told it was a consequence of psychological strain leading to immense physical tension rather than physical injury. Some kind of 'physiological breakdown'.
It's striking that I had thought I was coping, mentally. And my body disagreed. Yes indeed, the body keeps the score.
The factors are long term and short term.
1. The friend
The biggest factor is almost certainly that the most present person in my life is mentally ill and physically ill. She applied to enter a government psychiatric residential clinic in a few weeks after five years of unemployment, medication and therapy with not enough improvement to show for it. Her intense suffering, emotional dysregulation and manipulative and even abusive coping strategies are highly disturbing. And yet she is my main source of companionship, joy, laughter, shared enthusiasm and love.
2. The lawsuit
The most recent factor is a life-changing lawsuit in which I am suing an institution that cheated me very badly, but luckily there is evidence and a mass of similar litigations ending well. This has been years of wait and work. A long, personally triggering traumatic back story is involved. I spent several days totally focused on prep before the hearing, in which my own lawyer did something that was shockingly unprofessional. Notably enough, the attack of spasm came a few days after the first hearing, which went relatively well. Perhaps my body was coming out of fight mode, and said it's time to stop.
3. The career
I work too hard, it now seems. I am self-employed, so sometimes I go without work for a month. But most of the time, I have two or three projects at once, I work evenings and weekends. Especially over the past five years, work has been my lifeline. I've earned much more in that time than the decade before it. It is lucrative and is setting me up for a comfortable retirement. My clients are appreciative, and that's a very pleasant ego boost. It's generally quite interesting and satisfying. But sometimes I take on too much at once. Recently I've been approached by four new clients, each with their own communication style, which requires mental adjustment. I keep saying yes to everything, making hay while the sun shines.
4. The mother
My mother is coming to visit in a few days. I love her very much, and she triggers my stress. She's self-diagnosed as having autistic traits, and I agree with her. She's affectionate and fun and interested in the world. I fell out with her husband after my truth-telling about his abuse, and he responded by disinheriting her (and therefore me) in favour of his children. She's pretending it's okay, getting dragged back into his cult, which gives her the dissociation (escapism?), structure, rules and consoling stories that she needs. Her coping method is totally against my attitude to life, and I have to navigate around it. It also was the context of my childhood of cultic abuse, which I survived. I too often exhibit annoyance when she crosses my boundaries, bossing me around on things that are not her business, and I am constantly trying to learn how to respond in a more effective manner.
5. Bad habits, getting better
Not a daily user, but I have binged on alcohol very many times in my life, enjoying the escape session. After the last big one left me ill for a week, I gave up almost all booze about three months ago. Previously was averaging say one bottle of wine plus a couple of beers per week - but too often, I would have all that at once, on a Friday night. I've also cut added sugar by about 90% as of about three months ago. Apparently like most men - I watch too much porn. Not proud of it at all, rather disgusted, and aware that it's related to solitude and is an addiction. I can abstain and sometimes do for weeks at a time.
6. Physical activity
Got no car, live in the middle of a cycle-friendly city and cycle around town outside of winter. I get to the gym about three or four times a week, just for a short jog (2-3 miles) on the treadmill plus some weights, never pushing it too hard. Thought that's enough, but no. My 'body crime' is to sit all day on my laptop, usually on my couch. That is messing up my lower back. I had a prolapsed disk years ago so I should know better, and it's my fault for being negligent. I should have been doing yoga and weekly physio for the past 25 years. Very late now, but I must try something.
7. The location
I'm a British expat with family roots in the local culture in the country where I now live. The local culture often drives me crazy. From the British point of view (and yes I know we're messed up) they can be damn rude, negligent, and never own mistakes - it's always somebody else's fault. Their forwardness, agitation and angry outbursts would be considered a form of madness in England. This is a drip, drip of daily stress that has an effect. And yet I know it is part of me and my family story.
Today
I am letting my friend remain quiet after I sent her a boundary-setting message yesterday. I told her my body cannot cope with any added stress, and so I cannot hear hers right now. Unusually, she hasn't responded. I can feel I am tempted to call her to make sure she is okay, and stopping myself. I have loads of work to do as always, which is how I will spend my Sunday. Need to remind myself that I work too much. My body should come first.
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