General Lack Of Discipline? Need Someone To Kick Me?

[EveHarrington]

I wouldn't change the theme of the party if it's supposed to be a Christmas party. People will be utterly confused.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76: Yes, exactly. This is what I am asking myself. I notice he likes painting a lot and it is good for him because he sometimes has a bit of a tremble and when painting your hands must be calm. Very therapeutic... and he is painting something so tranquil and peaceful... untypical for him.
If we had more time it would not be a problem and I would just enjoy watching him paint... but unfortunately we don't. See my problem? Am I being selfish?
Do I have the right to stop him from painting and make him help me?

He told me he did not want any Christmas or winter deco this year because it just annoys him. So that's okay with me... but I just don't know a good motto for a party in the weeks before Christmas then.

@EveHarrington: We did not invite them to a Christmas themed party. We told them they are invited to a tea party and actually it is in the weeks before Christmas (there is a reason for this party. It has nothing to do with Christmas, but I don't want to mention it here for the sake of anonymity). Typically a party in December is Christmas themed but who says it has to be? But, well, I really don't know if tennis tea is right. Too cold. Any ideas would be welcome.

 

[EveHarrington]

So you have to do all the work for the kids and now this party?

Is your partner in therapy?

I understand everyone has a right to pop out as many babies as possible but if your guy is going to want nothing to do with taking care of them, why did he want so many kids? I think it would be a good idea to stop having kids. Kids deserve to be raised by a dad, too, and not random relatives.

 

[Never_falter2]

So you think fathers who are away on jobs should not have children? That's a rather odd idea, because there are a lot of people whose jobs require them to travel.

So many? We don't have fifteen kids, just four and the last two of them have been twins which is not really my husbands fault, is it?

The problem is that they are pretty young and still much work.

We used to employ a nanny to help but then my husband had to change his job and his new job paid less and we could not afford it any more. Luckily a relative helped, but then she became sick.

Actually we don't have a big family as compared to both mine and his family of origin.

I do like children a lot and enjoy being a mother, but having his help would be great because sometimes it is much work.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is doing something therapeutic that seems to calm him, I'd leave him be if it's only been this one day. He may need it, or it may be helping him more than you realize. Is it worth stopping him right now?

I could see if it was escapism or he used it long term to avoid his family. That's a different story. But if it is just an every once in awhile thing that calms him, I'd leave him be.

What sucks is that sometimes he's just not going to be able to help. It's not selfish to want his help, but I don't think you should count on it when he's symptomatic.

Honestly, if he won't help you and it's stressing you out, I'd skip having the tea.

 

[Never_falter2]

Thanks for letting me talk about this stuff. I need this right now. I know that being stressed out by planning a tea party is a boring first world problem *sigh*, thanks for being nonjudgmental.

I don't think we can skip having the tea. Not without losing our face and people asking thousands of questions.

No, he does not paint overly much. Only sometimes when he has an idea for a picture. It's a beautiful picture by the way, I'd like to see it on our wall. I feel so torn apart.

It is always something, most often his work, or he has to help a friend. I feel mean, because I'm am always like "please, hubby, help me".

I want to try to become more self reliant.

What do you mean by "symptomatic" by the way.

 

[Anarchy]

No, he does not paint overly much. Only sometimes when he has an idea for a picture. It's a beautiful picture by the way, I'd like to see it on our wall.

Sorry, I didn't spot that on your first post. I ve been way too pessimistic about where you are at right now.
Hope that I haven't caused you undue distress.
:hug:@

 

[Friday]

My 2 cents ...totally outside of PTSD-land...

1) Win/Win. Right now you're in a Win/Lose, and trying to turn it into a Lose/Win or Lose/Lose.

Win - Painting
Lose - Insane Party Planning

Lose - Having to quit painting to be helping with Insane Party Planning
Win - Having help with Insane Party Planning

Lose - Having to quit painting to be helping with Insane Party Planning
Lose - Having no help with Insane Party Planning (because he's pissed off, or just sucks at it).

So what's the Win/Win?

Win - Painting
Win - Help with Insane Party Planning.

AKA you BOTH get what you need/want. He gets to paint, & you get help. You BOTH get to do what you want to. Not just one of you.

Its a trap married couples often fall into. 1 person is happy & 1 is unhappy. The common sense solution is both people need to be happy, right? And yet the most common "solution" actually just turns the tables so STILL only 1 person is happy, or worse, so that both people are unhappy. Using a super common example: So if bloke/missus is going out most nights while their partner is at home alone lonely and stressed out with the kids? The solution ISNT to make the other person quit doing what makes them happy to also sit home alone lonely stressed out with the kids. That's still 1 happy/1unahooy, or just 2 unhappy people. The solution is to hire a babysitter, so BOTH people can go out, and have some fun together. Or separately. Look at what the need/want actually is, and fill it, rather than look at what the other person has, and take it away from them.


2) Crap. I forget 2. It will come back to me. In the meantime...

 

[Never_falter2]

No, that's okay.
I was pretty mad at him. My husband has the uncanny ability of tuning out his surroundings. He had picked the worst possible day for painting a picture and when the shit really hit the fan and the children messed up everything faster than I could clean up after them, he just stood there painting. *sigh*

 

[EveHarrington]

So you think fathers who are away on jobs should not have children? That's a rather odd idea, beca...

Ok I'm SERIOUSLY thinking that this whole "we do things on a whim" thing that you both find so charming is actually ADD because you can't seem to even stay on your own topic and keep going off in random directions.

I am talking about PTSD and how it's not good for people with PTSD to keep having so many kids if they need time to recover and can't take care of their kids. I don't give a hoot about anything else. My focus is on PTSD and the issues surrounding it.

This is honestly the weirdest supporter thread I've ever seen. Most come here in a panic about their partner disappearing or extreme symptoms. I don't know what to make about panic because of a tea party and how the tea party must go on because of what people will think. Sorry if this sounds harsh but again, ADD?

Is your guy officially diagnosed? I can't find that in the thread. All I'm seeing doesn't point to PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

To be fair, I merged a few threads with duplicate content together, so it may seem a bit odd.

@Never_falter does he usually help you with the children and house?

 

[Friday]

I feel drained because I have to do everything and he sometimes isolates from family life and family problems... and I currently I feel like saying "Okay, there is not going to be any tea party because I really do not want to organize one all on my own". It's a lot of stress when you have children and have to organize all that stuff... I think I need more discipline or a kick. I currently have a bad attitude.

I think it's totally fair, if you're stressed out, to drop the party. With a caveat. If not doing the tea-party is going to become a weapon? Instead of a coping mechanism? Rethink that. Again, it falls into the win/win thing, again. Does canceling the party actually help you? Like it would be a good thing to go ahead and drop it so

:mad: I don't have any help with the party >>>, and whew! OMG! That's sooooo much better / more manageable :D...

Or does it just trade hands?

:mad: I don't have any help with the tea party! Fine! It's cancelled! >>> I didn't get to do my party because of YOU :mad:

Because that's just trading one lose for another lose.