Last Session With My T

[FindingMyself88]

tomorrow is my last session with my T. I don't think it's really going to hit me until I leave her office and then I'm afraid it's going to hit me VERY hard. It all happened SO quickly. Like only two weeks ago. She'd planned on giving me 6 weeks notice but something came up.

I had planned on trying to make tomorrow as positive as possible but I've had new flashbacks this week and I NEED to tell her. I don't start seeing the new therapist for a month. The flashbacks have been so severe that I've thrown up and ended up hiding in the closet for hours after.

I did buy her a painting with a quote by a favorite author/ TED talk speaker that she has told me many times in therapy. "Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light" by Brene Brown. I can't wait to give it to her.

I'm taking Kaz, my service dog, with me to session tomorrow. I've never taken him due to the nature of our sessions. But I want her to meet him. Aside from her, he's my biggest support and I feel like it's my way of telling/showing her that I will be okay. Also that way he will be there to help me through the aftermath.

We use to go for walks after EMDR. I think I'm going to ask for that tomorrow at the end if it isn't raining. But there is something else I REALLY want from her but I'm too afraid of being told no. I would really like a hug but I don't want my last memory of her being her saying no. So I probably won't ask.

I wish beyond everything that she wasn't leaving :(. She's really helped me so much. She's taught me that standing up for myself isn't a bad thing, that the new me isn't broken, that I can love the new me more than the old me, she's taught me to laugh at myself, to listen to my gut, and so much more.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason, but I don't understand why she has to leave now. It's the worst time. New memories coming up, holidays approaching, trauma anniversaries this month. But somehow I feel like I have to get through it just so her work with me the last 19 months won't have been in vain.

 

[anthony]

No time like the present to walk the path by yourself and put into action everything you've learnt. Well done on finishing therapy. It's an adjustment without it... and I hope you adjust over the coming months.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@anthony im definitely not ready yet to be without. This situation came up without warning. She has another therapist lined up for me, but it will be a month before the new one can see me. I try to embrace change and believe everything happens for a reason. I just find this to be the worst possible timing. But somehow I will fight through it. I don't want the work she's done with me to be in vain.

 

[Hypothermia2012]

You are so brave, and it sounds like you are handling this better than I ever could. If my t left without warning or if I went in on Friday he told me that was our last session, I think I'd just curl up right there and bawl my Eyes out. But you're handling this! You've got this! You will be ok, you are ok. I'll be thinking about you !! Hugs!!!!

 

[Panda Bear]

@FindingMyself88
Loosing a T stinks, and is very sad. I'm sorry you didn't get the time you needed to say goodbye. I think you should ask for that hug! In my opinion, you'll regret not asking more than the possibility of a no. Really, you're brave enough to start work with a new therapist, you can handle what you might hear. And if it's a yes, it'll be even better.

19m of work is never in vain. It's a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of that, you'll never know where the new T might be capable of taking you.

 

[Biz]

Good luck. I'm glad you're taking the dog. Consider asking for a hug, she might say yes and you'd be showing how much she means to you by risking the asking.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you all. I didn't sleep well last night. It's hard to believe in an hour and a half will be the last time I see her :((

 

[FindingMyself88]

I can't say much right now. But she actually asked me for a hug :). It was very healing.

 

[Panda Bear]

@FindingMyself88
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. But how great about the hug!!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Some moments I feel like it's hitting and then some I'm numb. I keep thinking it's just a break like when she had surgery. I don't think it's going to hit until I see the new T. She loved Kaz (my service dog) and he loved her. She got to see him work when I told her about the flashbacks.

The hug was very healing. I haven't had a safe hug from a "motherly" figure in a really long time.

 

[Chosen]

I'm so sorry. My last day with my T was on May 22nd. It didn't start hitting me until after summer was over...like really hitting me...because we'd gone 12/14 weeks without therapy before, and when it hit 15, 16, 17 weeks....that's when it came crashing in even more. It's really hard, even still...I miss him dearly--I was able to email him in October, and he replied, which was great.

I got a hug from him too...it was very helpful. It's hard to grieve someone who's had such a huge impact on your life.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I'm sorry @Noah that you're dealing with this too. It is incredibly hard. I didn't miss my last T anywhere near as much.

Some moments I'm okay. But I'm at my dad's house and even though he's changed a lot- there is still TONS of triggers. So anytime anything good or bad happens- I think "I need to remember to tell Cheryl about this next session." And then I remember.... I don't even see the new therapist until the middle of December. My T was suppose to sit down and talk to her about my "main" traumas and such so she would have a good idea of everything. But still it's gonna be hard to go in there and talk about this stuff because I'm gonna have to explain why this is bad or this is good, etc. where as with my T that just left- I could just go in and say what's happened and she understood why it was bad or good.

I'm going to miss her ways of making me feel comfortable and getting me to laugh even on the worst sessions. I'm also going to miss how she showed me that a motherly aged figure could be a grew thing. We knew there was some transference going on, but she used it to show me that not everyone her age is like my mom. She actually had some tendencies that I didn't realize I had come to enjoy and find comfort from. Such as she was protective. Anytime they had a board meeting she walked beside me so that she was between me and the large group to get into her office. Also when we use to take walks outside after sessions to ground me. One time we walked by a homeless man and I flinched really bad into her. She stood firm and wasn't mad that I had done it- she actually expected it.

She also was very validating of my feelings. I still remember the day I told her about my rape- she was the first person I had ever told. Also how she would almost get mad for me when I told her some of the things people had done to me, mainly family.

She was also very intuitive to how I was doing. She could tell when I was starting to dissociate and she knew what helped me through it. She could tell something was wrong just by how I sat or how I moved my eyes away. This was SOOO much help because I always have a hard time saying how I'm feeling so she could tell when something came up and could gently coax it out of me.

Her hug in that last session was very healing. And that she said she would be checking in on me with the new T. It was the first safe hug I've had in too many years to count. But also it was like a way of telling me she wasn't walking out of my life because she wanted too like everyone else.

I don't think it's going to hit me full force until I go back for my first session with the new T.