Learning to trust new T with history of therapist abuse

[Cypress]

I have been in denial for decades that my psychiatrist/analyst from adolescence, age 12-17, started to abuse me sexually during the last two years of our therapy relationship. It wasn’t physical so I wonder if I should call it abuse. Basically I was being treated for what was called MPD at the time with hypnosis and psychoanalysis. For the first three years, he truly saved my life, brought me back from suicidal, constant self-harm to a more hopeful place. Then things changed and he started drawing out a hyper sexual part of me and it wound up with sessions that involved voyeuristic/sex talk stuff while he masturbated. Amnesia allowed me to be in denial about it until I finally started therapy again in middle age.

I know my current T is trustworthy but now that I am accepting and processing all the sh*t with my old analyst,I feel angry and scared toward my current T.

How do you learn to trust again?

 

[whiteraven]

I say kudos that you were able to enter therapy again. What a scary and awful thing to have happen.

Have you talked with the new therapist about your trouble trusting? I gotta tell you, I have experienced repeated trauma over the last several years from therapists, psychiatrists (well, one) and medical doctors and I have an immensely difficult time trusting my current therapist, even though he is the kindest, most compassionate man (person) I have ever known. What helps build that trust a tiny bit at a time is talking about it and accepting his kindness.

It's sooo hard. But it helps.

 

[Wendell_R]

I feel angry and scared toward my current T

It's okay to tell your T that you feel angry and scared toward him/her.

Trust comes with sharing these things, and then learning, slowly and with patience, that the world can be different. When I imagine what my therapist would do, I can hear her asking me about what would help make the office/her presence/my experience safer. I imagine that she would listen to why I was angry and scared, and we would try to separate out things I felt about the past and things about the present that I may be angry and scared about.

I imagine this is so hard because of how much you trusted your old T, and that trust was violated.

 

[Friday]

I know my current T is trustworthy but now that I am accepting and processing all the sh*t with my old analyst,I feel angry and scared toward my current T.

How’s your self confidence?

One of the things I’ve noticed about myself is that it doesn’t matter how trustworthy someone else is, if I don’t trust my own judgement.

In a situation like an abusive T, an abusive X, etc... where I made the wrong judgement call with them ... I can go one of two ways with future people
- self confidence in spades, because I’ve learned what I want
- no self confidence, because I’ve learned what I fear

And that’s the trick.

It’s okay to be afraid, fear let’s us know there’s danger... but if my judgement is based on fear? I’m pretty f*cked. And can’t trust that judgement. Because I’m not actually judging anything. I’m waiting for something bad to happen.

If, however, I’ve learned what I want? I AM using my judgement, in evaluating what’s happening now.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I say kudos that you were able to enter therapy again. What a scary and awful thing to have happen.

Have you talked with the new therapist about your trouble trusting? I gotta tell you, I have experienced repeated trauma over the last several years from therapists, psychiatrists (well, one) and medical doctors and I have an immensely difficult time trusting my current therapist, even though he is the kindest, most compassionate man (person) I have ever known. What helps build that trust a tiny bit at a time is talking about it and accepting his kindness.

It's sooo hard. But it helps.

Yes same. I still don't trust them but I'm glad to hear others have been able to work through this.

 

[Cypress]

It's okay to tell your T that you feel angry and scared toward him/her.

I finally told my T I was feeling like this, I was worried that he might get mad or frustrated or something but he didn’t. He didn’t seem surprised at all. I also told him that I was having a hard time trusting him and he told me that he didn’t expect me to.

One of the things I’ve noticed about myself is that it doesn’t matter how trustworthy someone else is, if I don’t trust my own judgement

This is me 100%. I don’t trust my own judgement because I have been wrong so many times. Too much fear and not trusting anyone when I should and the flip side: complete disregard for my own safety. I haven’t found the reality based middle ground yet.

What helps build that trust a tiny bit at a time is talking about it and accepting his kindness.

This is what I am trying for now, I feel like I sort of mentally put my T on trial and provide concrete evidence of his kindness to myself in order to trust a just a little bit more.