"Leave the past behind"

[Vero]

How do you feel/respond when people react to your story with the phrase "leave the past behind"? Personally, I used to never think about events that happen in childhood, until I realized that even if it was 10 or 20 years ago it did left a mark that I'm still trying to heal. So often I act/react out of those experiences in my everyday life and I cannot always control it.
I recently had a conversation with someone who hurt me in the past and they listened to me and apologized, I was moved by this and appreciated their response, I thought it was a real breakthrough in our relationship, until a while ago when during an argument about something completely different they accused me of bringing up the past and things that happen decades ago. It felt invalidating like I was back on square one.
Anyway, just curious if you have any thoughts on this topic.

 

[Friday]

How do you feel/respond when people react to your story with the phrase "leave the past behind"?

I grin and agree with them. Yep! That’s the goal! :woot:

It’s just a pain in the ass when it stops happening automatically.

It tends to surprise people. Like they’re expecting a litany of excuses about why I can’t, or an argument like I’m doing this shit on purpose for some reason. ( :eek: Who the f*ck would do this on purpose I don’t even want to know. That’s crazy. And not in a good way.) It’s not that I can’t, or don’t want to, it’s that I’m having to relearn how. Like relearning how to speak or walk after having a stroke... it’s a pain in the ass. And not for want of trying, or desire. Teaching the brain old tricks is simply an obnoxious process. Exhausting, tedious, demoralizing, the works. But sooner or later? Even if I have to beat the past back where it belongs with a stick? It will get back there. I just feel lucky as hell not to have early onset Alzheimer’s, or some such shit. When our brains stop seeing time as linear, and the past rushes forward like it’s the present? Bad things happen. PTSD is treatable. Alzheimer’s ain’t. So I count myself lucky, because I can relearn how to put the past behind me, again.

I’m not sure why that tends to surprise people? Seems pretty logical to me. But it does. Has also kicked off a few pretty cool conversations as they try and quantify HOW they do it... and usually can’t. Because it’s automatic. It just happens. Decide to do it, and done. No interim steps. When people can parse some of those interim steps? OMFG. Useful as hell. It’s rare someone’s got a piece of it in hand, to share. But it’s gold when they do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Totally agree with @Friday .I am starting to wonder if it's the connotation that is the secret- to view it (all) instead as that which did, or will contribute to being 'here', in this moment (which is all that we have), affecting what we are aware of, what we value, how we think (not speaking of thinking in terms of symptom management, but rather large scale), how and who we are, even where we are. And ultimately what decisions we make.

I think it's tempting to think the grass is greener, but maybe our quirks (for lack of a better word) in too-constant past recall also mean somewhere we can use the same quirk to recall all that matters? Since everyone is influenced by their past, whether they realize or admit it or not. But maybe we put a lot more thought in to our decisions, because of the past. That's not always a bad thing, provided it's not based in living in the past but recognizing the differences in the here and now.

Far as arguing goes, it might help more to tie in how you feel now and felt then, if referencing the past to tie it in. Not to live in the past, but explain it's influence on your thinking in the present? I think the sheer act of doing so, if met with kindness or understanding, reduces or erases those feelings often. If not met in that manner, it may be something the other person just cannot accept, perhaps for their own reasons.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Mee]

It makes me upset.

My past is someone’s present. Lessons not learned from our pasts are resulting in others being damaged. I don’t think it’s a sensible attitude and I think it adds to my feeling of unsafety.

If it was ‘we should try and stop that from happening to others as much as possible , while you stay safe and concentrate on now’ I think my life would be really, really different.

 

[blackemerald1]

How do you feel/respond when people react to your story with the phrase "leave the past behind"?

^I think to myself that they cannot cope with thinking about what I have to live with every day.
It's an easy cop-out and don't believe it. Unless they have had a cerebral event they remember shit too. Just not the same shit.

I recently had a conversation with someone who hurt me in the past and they listened to me and apologized,

they accused me of bringing up the past and things that happen decades ago. It felt invalidating like I was back on square one.

^The old 'look & sound mature whilst seething inside and drop it right back at you the first chance they get' trick?

Been there too and had the same stuff happened. It's awkward having such a good memory at times isn't it?

They're apology sounded good at the time. They did not have advance notice of you reminding of their crap behaviour so they took the safe way out by sounding mature and sensible and apologising. Since then they've been plotting the moment. lol...

I get told by relatives and people who know about my trauma history that it's time I was over it. It's not like I ever speak about it to them - but they still like to dispense advice such as this. Meanwhile, they're using their accumulated knowledge based on all of their life experiences to make all sorts of decisions for now. It seems there are different rules for surviving trauma. Go figure??

 

[Vero]

The old 'look & sound mature whilst seething inside and drop it right back at you the first chance they get' trick?

Been there too and had the same stuff happened. It's awkward having such a good memory at times isn't it?

They're apology sounded good at the time. They did not have advance notice of you reminding of their crap behaviour so they took the safe way out by sounding mature and sensible and apologising. Since then they've been plotting the moment. lol...

This describes so well my situation! I think part of them is genuinely sorry for what they did, but they immediately jump in to find a way to justify their bad behavior and minimize it's impact. When I hear them describe the abuse with words like "a moment of weekness" and that the person who was abused did something to deserve it breaks my heart every single time...

 

[grit]

It is lack of empathy or/and being in denial about how their past is impacting them except maybe more subtle....but the consequences are all the same.
A person with PTSD may not be considered a great candidate for healthy relationship but a healthy woman or man divorced twice may be operating from the same family of origin sin.

We are all impacted just different degrees and maifestation.

I do not envy them. I acknowledge their empathy limitation

 

[DharmaGirl]

It's not letting the past go so much as fixing the physical damage done to our brains when this happened. Everything everyone said is true, and you have to work to change your brain back, but it isn't just perception, it's dealing with a brain that was injured by abuse. Sometimes when I explain it this way, the person understands. Most often they pretend to. My mother thinks I'm "fragile" compared to my good stepsister, but she doesn't have a mental illness. I keep correcting her when she says stuff like that. Eventually, maybe next lifetime, she'll get it.

 

[Mach123]

I don't tell anyone so I don't have to hear it. I know it hurts, I'm sorry.

 

[Ronin]

I usually grin and tell em Im talking about the present. Silly thing, you didn't get that? Too bad, we're done talking.

... Since it's not a lie even in PTSD land & my reactions, and if they're that level dismissive they're people I'd be an idiot opening more to, as already said too much.