Leaving The House

[trapped]

I am having the most horrible time at the moment.

I got up early today so I wouldn't be rushed. Somehow, I still felt sorta rushed at the end, but probably only because I was trying to avoid leaving. I am supposed to be in the research lab in half an hour, which isn't going to happen now. I took my backpack, put my stuffed animal in the backpack to help me feel safe. I got took a xanax for the anxiety before I left. Left my house, crossed the street. There's only one major street I have to cross to get to the bus stop, the rest is actually a nice peaceful walk with lots of nature stuff. I took another xanax while I was waiting to cross the street. I got as far as about a quarter mile from my house. I was about half way there, basically. I started to freak out, so I stopped at a bench, put my head between my knees and tried to breathe. I started to feel better, so I got up, tried to continue to the bus stop... I got 5, maybe 6 steps, then totally freaked out and ran all the way back home.

I'm so pissed at myself. I'm not sure what to do. The research lab does feel safe, but the problem is I have to walk to the bus stop, wait for the bus, and it's a half hour bus ride to get to the lab. And part of the thoughts going through my head, was that if I went to the lab, then I'd have to take the bus again later today to get to my doctor, and that's another half hour trip, and then if I went to my lab today, that means tomorrow I will be forced to be in the lab ALL day because of the nature of the experiment I'm running, and then preferably I'd have to go in on Saturday to look at my data, though that could maybe be postponed to Monday. But really, the scariest thing was thinking what if I can do this today, but not tomorrow? What if I was successful once, but that's it? If I did any work today, and couldn't make it in tomorrow, the whole experiment will have gone to waste, and my advisor would be pissed. Better for me to miss today until I know I can consistently leave the house and make it there without all this anxiety... and of course there were other horrible thoughts going through my head, like how I was going to have a zillion and one panic attacks today and everyone would think less of me, and how at any moment I could have a flashback, and what if that caused me to dissociate to the extent I did earlier this week, and what if that severe dissociation happened while I was on the bus and I got lost or what if it happened anywhere and I got lost or what if I didn't get lost but I got hurt by someone else around me or what if everyone just thought I was crazy then or what if I dissociated while I was doing my lab work and what could happen then and if that happened would it mean I'd never get in to grad school and what if I mad the wrong decision about postponing grad school for a year or two until I'm functioning better, maybe you only get one shot at being accepted, and I was accepted to start this coming fall but declined because I wanted to get better or at least more stable first so I could do better in school, and there were other reasons, but what if that was my one shot and I blew it, and then if I did blow it already, why the hell am I continuing to go in to a research lab and volunteer, I love the work I really do but what if I'm not capable or deserving of being there, because maybe I'm not if I'm getting anxious about even leaving the stupid house.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. I don't know. I tried to just force myself to put up with the anxiety, but that made it worse. Anyone else ever experience this or have advice?

 

[Manic11]

Ah! Thank you for posting this! I constantly feel this! I'm feeling it right now!! I have to go to work in a little bit and I will not stop looking at the clock. Time is passing too quickly! I'm trying to avoid leaving in my mind.
Yesterday was my day off and its like my mind refused to let me go to sleep because I really didn't want today to come. Now its here and I have to go to work in a few minutes... I'm afraid I'm going to have the same situation you did..
Unfortunately I have no advice... but I'm glad you posted this thread... I wasn't sure if I was alone in this or not... I thought I was just being pathetic....:wall:

Best wishes,
Manic

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Every single morning - I do this - have to talk myself into getting out of the bed and getting ready and then talk myself out of not calling in. (Most times once I get to work - I REALLY wish I had just called in). People say I'm strong because I can work - but it sure doesn't feel strong on a day to day basis.

I'm so sorry your not feeling well today - you seem to have a high pressure job also (we work in the same "industry" - except I work on the business end) - you can only do the best you can do.

 

[ISupportHer]

Trapped, I can't imagine how hard that must be. Your sharing of how you feel helps my understanding of the anxiety.

For so long, I had seen everything filtered through my own experience. Hard to explain, but my wife would talk, in very basic terms, that she felt anxious, pressured at work. It's hard to "walk in her shoes" without understanding what she actually feels since she just can't seem to share those feelings. This sounds trite but I just had no clue.

Anyway, I think I get a good sense of your feelings and appreciate your sharing.

Sometimes I feel like a voyeur here if I don't respond sometimes. It must be hard to put that out there for others but thanks!

 

[TLight]

I have been like this throughout my work life. I was finally declared disabled last May and I feel like a failure because of it, but the stress of work ended me up in the hospital a couple of times.

I tried, I really tried. I wanted so much to be a success in my field...........but the brain chemistry stuff won out.

Kuddos to those of you who can still handle work (and some have kids too!). It blows my mind.

But I must say, I'm much more relaxed and have felt moments of joy for the first time in my life since I've been staying home and being betty crocker.

I can leave the house for errands easily..........but work, well, I"ve undergone so much sexual harassment, bullying and male authority figures are a huge trigger for me. At least now I know what's wrong. I never understood why I had such a hard time working..........I wished I was just normal, but deep inside felt like I was losing my mind. The repeated harassment and vicitmization certainly didn't help.

I guess I'm accepting where I'm at now and taking advantage of the time so I can work more on my healing.

Again, kuddos for being able to even get out the door. I soooo know the feeling.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi Trapped,

I am in Honours at university. Last year, I had to take a year off to get to the point where I could function enough to study again. I am now half-way through Honours, and I can't defer any more semesters, so this is my one and only chance to do this. There are many days when I feel the way you did - and I get to thinking that it would be easier just to give up.

The thing is, I have a goal in mind and yes, it is a difficult path, but I refuse to let my problems get in the way of reaching that goal. I have days where I can only sit still and read or write for a couple of minutes at a time, so I sit for a couple of minutes and then wander off to do something else for a while. I have had to place restrictions on the 'non-study' things I do (e.g. if I have done half an hour of study, I can play the Nintendo for 10 minutes) so that I will go back to the study.

I am fortunate in that I don't have to leave the house that often in order to get to a lab or something, but I try to think of things like this in small bits at a time! I don't think about the entire 4,000 word essay, or the entire journey to university, I concentrate on one small bit, then move onto the next small bit. It might seem laborious, but it gets me through!

 

[Luthien]

I've been there too, many a time. I had to take an extended break from school for this reason (well there were other factors too) but it was the anxiety that finally did me in.
I too struggle with getting out the door, the buses, the intrusive thoughts. I've had many days that are exactly as you described it, and end with me either hiding like a fool, or running home.

I feel like a failure when I am unable to just get through it and do what I need to do. Sometimes I am able to make it through if I am able to pretend I am alone. So I will sit on the bus with music blaring over my headphones and my eyes shut, I don't even care how stupid this must look.

I've also learned a couple of techniques that help me when the anxiety is overwhelming like this. They work by creating a different pathway in your brain, and rerouting the thoughts so they aren't as extreme. I learned this as a way to reroute my brain to not feel pain as I suffer with severe Fibromyalgia symptoms, and I figured if it can work for that, it can work for anxiety, and it does help.

What you do is you get a small hair clip (one of the ones that look like teeth) make sure it is a very small one. You squeeze it open and shut between your fingers startng with the forefinger and thumb, then the middle finger and thumb, and so on. You do each rep for a count of two. Just focusing on what you're doing, and the feel of it in your hand creates a new brain pathway eliminating, or majorly decreasing the pain, anxiety ect.

Another method that does the same thing is to firmly press on a pressure point under your collar bone, and do counts of seven. When you find the right point you'll know as it is tender. You press for 2 seconds doing this seven times then switch to the other side, or a different point. I like to use different pressure points and to a cycle as many times as needed.

This helped me to get through the WORST panic attack of my life when I was on a nine hour bus ride to go watch my father die...I had recived a call from a nurse telling me to get there as fast as I could because my dad was only holding on to see me, and then he wouldn't be able to hold on any longer...it worked for that, so hopefully it can help you and others with your anxiety.

I hope you find these techniques helpful.

It is so awful to feel like that.

Take care.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Take some anxiety, mix in a little panic and stir with a touch of agoraphobia and I also know what just happened to you.

It is very frightening and can actually make your conditon worse. Fight it with all your might. Otherwise, you will become more housebound day by day.

The best I can suggest is BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE

It does help

 

[Deleted member 541]

I agree with Herc....I too went through this about 15 years ago. It was real bad. Tha anxiety was awful, but I refused to let it get to me. I forced myself everyday to leave my apartment to go to work. I had to, I was self supporting, had no one to count on, but myself. I had to eat, and pay the bills, so I HAD to go to work.

I know it isn't easy, and it's awful to go through, but fight it with everything that you have........

 

[trapped]

Wow, I wasn't expecting so many great replies- thanks everyone!

I'm glad that there are others that are happy I posted this thread... I think I was afraid to post it a little bit, because I wasn't sure if I was all alone in this or not. I think it helps to just know we're not alone sometimes, that what we're experiencing and struggling with isn't unique to just us.

Yesterday I was able to leave the house without the anxiety. Okay, so I took off running when I left, and that probably helped, but I was able to slow it down to a walk and walk around and enjoy some of the beautiful spots there are to visit around here. I sent an email in to my adviser in the lab, and told him I've had some things come up that I have to deal with and won't be in for the next week. I appologized and told him I would send him an email towards the end of next week to let him know how things were going, and to see about coming in to the lab the following week. This way, there's no pressure to HAVE to leave the house. I find it so much easier when I don't have the pressure that I have to do something. Tomorrow I HAVE to leave to meet up with a friend, but I'm trying to not think of it as having to do something, as that puts added pressure on me, and I get anxious thinking I could fail, and disappoint that person, and lose a friend all because of the stupid anxiety... I've found bringing my camera to take pictures while I'm out helps. So even if I'm forcing myself to leave to work on tolerating the anxiety, I can tell myself the anxiety has nothing to do with it, I'm going out to take pictures because I enjoy that. Focusing on the anxiety I think just makes it worse. Not that I ignore it, as that can make things worse too, but I've found if I focus on it too much, it just gives it more power.

I am going to try to go out for a walk/run again soon. Wanted to go swimming again today, but I can't with my shoulder. Should probably keep my outting to a walk, that is going to be my goal though I don't know how successful I'll be with that one lol. I'm trying really hard to do this on my own, though I may have to commission a friend into helping me. Last year, there was an instructor at school that I'm friends with that helped me a lot. I'm horrible when it comes to going inside a store. Grocery and clothing stores especially. And ESPECIALLY the large ones, with florescent lighting. We started with a smaller store and worked up to the bigger one. At first, we'd get maybe 10 to 20 feet from the front entrance, and I'd start having an anxiety attack, start crying, etc. She was okay with that, each time we tried to just go one step more. She'd never let me just leave though. I had the xanax with me, but she got to hold on to it, she got to say when I could have it. What would happen was usually I'd start getting anxious, ask for the xanax (we had to work on the me asking for it part, and me learning to not be afraid to ask for it or ashamed of needing it), and she'd sometimes make me wait "just a little longer" before she gave it to me. She also helped teach me to ask to leave before the anxiety got overwhelming, but then she'd always make me go back in the store as soon as I got to take a few minutes to get a breath of fresh air outside. And whenever I wanted to go, we would but she'd make me wait just a little longer. At first, it would be just something like counting to 3 (she was the one who got to count- otherwise I'd already be at 100 before she even got to 1 lol)... she started to increase it, 3 became 5, then 10, then 30... to where after the anxiety hit, I was standing there for 2 minutes just tolerating the anxiety (she taught me breathing and relaxation things to do when I was feelng the anxiety at the same time). It was tough... but we took it step by step. I'm trying to recall everything we did, because so many of our steps were tiny tiny tiny little baby steps, but in the end it did help me a ton, and I was finally able to go about like a "normal" person. I think I may try something similar with just leaving the house and going to the lab, etc. Maybe try taking the bus even when I don't have to... because the bus does terrify me. I'm always worried it will get into an accident, or that someone else on the bus will hurt me, or that I'll get lost. Maybe getting a day pass and riding around on the busses for a day would be good exposure therapy. Though I'd have to find a friend to do it with me most likely, and I'd have to choose my friends I asked carefully (the one that helped me with the store stuff, she's a therapist, so I trusted whatever she told me to do because of the knowledge she has from her job, and because over the years she's grown quite protective of me and so I knew she'd never let anything hurt me).

 

[trapped]

I just thought of another related question I have, and I think I'm going to be even more alone on this one, but decided to be brave and ask anyway- does anyone ever get anxious even about staying in the house, but going in certain parts? Back when I suffered from a bad episode of agoraphobia, where months after months passed without me stepping foot outside even (online shopping and indoor exercise equipment became my friends), I was renting a room in a rather large house, and wouldn't even go in certain parts of the house. I needed a xanax just to do laundry, because I had to cross part of the house that for some reason was 'off limits' in my mind.

I've realized I tend to restrict myself to my room a lot of the time, no matter where I'm living. I tried to rent out a room from a family, and the dad turned out to be a raging alcoholic and so I moved out of there as fast as I could when things started getting bad, and I started getting dragged into the family dynamics. I've rented out a couple rooms where it was just random people, but there were guys in the houses that were much older than me, and that made me uncomfortable even though nothing ever happened. I've lived in houses with other people from college too though, some houses just all female, others co-ed. You'd think I'd be comfortable with at least those, right? But even in the places with other college students, I get anxious. Like now, there's only 3 other people who live here. They're all grad students, pretty quiet and respectful and nice and such. I hardly interact with them. I don't expect to be best friends with the people I live with, but it would be nice to feel comfortable interacting with them, be able to hang out with them sometimes, etc. It's got nothing to do with them or anything they've done to make me uncomfortable, but my interactions are limited to when they have their dog out, their dog always greets me and through the dog I am able to interact with them a little bit. I really would like to ask one day if I could take the dog out for a walk, as I'd really enjoy that, but I don't know how to ask something like that, or if that's even something that's reasonably okay to ask?

I just get terrified about how others are going to react to me I think. I'll sit in my room and hear my roommates hanging out watching a movie together, but be unsure if it's okay for me to join in, or I'll be afraid they're going to start talking about me and saying how much they hate me or something. When I have friends come over, it's hard for me to enjoy being with my friends if we're hanging out at my house if my roommates are home, because I'm always worried about what my roommates are thinking. When my friends are over, I still tend to stay isolated to my room, though a lot of it is also because I have my own temperature control in my room, and I keep it nice and warm (since my body doesn't regulate temperature well any more), and the rest of the house tends to be too cold for me. Still, I wish I could interact normally with my roommates. I won't cook food and don't even like to get water if I hear my roommates are out in the living room area or near the kitchen- I think I'm afraid I'll get in the way, like I always seemed to do as a child. But then when I'm in my room too much, I get stressed that they're commenting about that and judging me for that too- so it's a no-win situation, really. They told me I can garden in the backyard if I wanted to, that was said before I moved in, and I was looking forward to it, but haven't yet. Perhaps this week I'll get some gardening supplies, since that sounds like it could be fun, and give me a reason to have to be in a different area of the house, at least for a little bit each day.

Going outside definitely produces more anxiety than staying in, but I'm just curious as to if I'm the only person who gets anxious even when I stay inside?