Leaving The Therapist's Office Dissociated

[samson]

I have been doing emdr for about 6 months now for depression caused from ptsd. Some emotions that come up cause me to automatically dissociate. Anger is one emotion I do not have internal permission to express. We are working on that, but it's slow. There is sexual trauma involved along with some smaller traumatic experiences. As we worked through the sexual trauma I suffered from flashbacks and was generally miserable. Once the emdr shifted to other memories I felt such a relief. Last session the memories circled back to the sexual trauma. I could feel my mind actually fighting the memories. I got really sleepy during the emdr and then I was dizzy. It was time to stop and I was feeling really weird. My T asked me if I was okay and I said yes. He said yes...no... are you sure. I told him yes because I wasn't sure what he could do to help me in the next 30 seconds.

I left and went to a park for a couple of hours just trying to ground. I have a 45 minute drive home so I started home and 1/2 hour later I realized I was going the wrong way (south vs. north). I was so upset. I went home and slept for 2 hours and then woke up with a massive headache. The night ended with waves of grief sweeping over me from this sexual trauma. It was exhausting. I know this is the nature of emdr somtimes, especially if you are prone to dissociate.

I plan to talk about this at my next session because I need my T to tell me how I should have let him know better how I was feeling instead of leaving like that.

This happen to anyone else?

 

[Jen93]

I used to dissociate a lot with my last T. The best thing to do is as soon as you get into the therapist's office is to tell him that you dissociate. I did that at my intake session, and at the first session with my new T. Sometimes just telling them right away can lessen the dissociation. He might also know how to help.

For me, I would dissociate going home, but it was a one way thing, I could take the bus and get to my bus stop in my sleep and walk home if I had to. (I've lived in my neighbourhood for fifteen years.) Things did get fuzzy and it was hard to concentrate, so maybe it's not as severe as what you described, but talk to your T about this. He could help you find out ways to get yourself back into the here and now.

Talk to him about it as soon as you get into the room-it doesn't do any good if you go in, start talking about whatever, or do emdr and then dissociate. I suggest maybe even just talking about the dissociation for a session, or a few minutes each session; figure out the triggers, figure out the emotions, etc. etc. It could be beneficial.

Just remember that it gets worse before it gets better, and things WILL get better as you learn more coping skills.

Good Luck!

 

[samson]

Thanks for the advice and kind words. I think this is the first time that I have really dissociated in his office. He told me on my second visit that I had dissociated from emotions related to my past trauma memories, but we haven't really talked about anything current. He's a good therapist and will help me with this.

Things are getting better. I'm just waiting for the day when they stay that way. I am having more good days, but they are still temporary. ;0

 

[Lucycat]

My T will not leave me until he knows I am grounded again. I understand that in your confusion you said you were OK when you were not. It concerns me that your T recognised it enough to ask if you were OK but could not see beyond your answer, that actually you were not. A learning curve for you both.

My T always changes tack for the last few minutes and talks about mundane non-therapy stuff, just to make sure he is leaving me in the here-and-now. At first I wondered why he was asking me such stuff, like have I any plans for the rest of the day or what am I doing at the weekend? But I have come to understand that it is as important as all the other stuff we talk about. It is a 'back to reality' check.

 

[samson]

My T does that too. Unfortunately, I usually can't remember anything we talked about at the end. I think I have become so good at functioning that we both think I'm ok. It is a learning curve for both of us. I have addressed other things with him like this and he is very responsive. I will talk about it first thing next session.

 

[samson]

Update: I saw my T today and we had a lengthy discussion about how I felt when I left last session. He was great about explaining to me what happened and suggested that if I feel that disconnect again (since I could tell him when it happened last time) I need to let him know and we will stop processing and spend whatever time needed to ground and re-associate. He also said he will try to watch me more closely for signs that this is happening. Basically he said the connections we were making in emdr were understandably overwhelming and my mind did shut down the emotions. The nap, headache and sobbing in the shower were all part of the delayed processing. The sobbing in the shower was like me stepping into the memory of the trauma.

It always helps me to understand what happened. Helps take the scary out of it if it happens again. I know I'm only 6 months in and some of you have been at this for a lot longer, but I sure wish this was over and behind me. :)

Just thought I would let you know what he said. And we went right back to that memory and I was able to process alot of stuff today. Got a good cry in (that doesn't always happen).

 

[kers]

I'm glad you were able to talk with him and discuss this!

 

[Powder]

Thank you for sharing this. This is my fear in trying EMDR as this happens to me anyway, in regular functioning days, when I get angry beyond the point of no return and it triggers flashbacks/emotional states. I am sad it's been 6 months and it's still hitting you this hard. Why don't we get the break we deserve? I don't know if I could keep going that long anyway. That's about as long as I can stand a T. relationship.

 

[samson]

I am also sad that it's still hitting me this hard. But, I have been "coping" this way since I was a little girl. So much of this is so buried that it's just going to take some time to peel back the layers. I do have moment/days/weeks of relief now. Days when I think - o yeah - this is how I want to feel all of the time. I have a great therapist. We are still getting to know each other, but he is very easy to talk to and pushes me in the right way. Don't give up Muse. Life's too long to live like I was living.