Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[goingonhope]

I hope to get back to reading and perhaps participating in this thread because a lack of available time in doing so right now is an issue. However, if ;) there's talk about intimacy and sex going on here then I'm sharing this attachment here. (smiles). I like it.

Yes!!!!! :D I Like and enjoy, ...my personal ideas of, ....Sex :tup: & (lol), as well as, Romance and most all Intimacy :tup:.

 

[ClairBear226]

Okay, so PTSD affects libido, apparantly.... Do we have any idea why? Is it a side affect of this crap reguardless of the type of trauma that caused the person to have PTSD, or is it more exclusive to victims of rape and sexual assault? And in either case, what the heck do you do about it?

 

[amethist]

A quick reply to you ClairBear.

Anyone with any kind of mental health issues, whether it be a nervous break down due to some kind of excessive stress, Post Natal Depression or full blown PTSD, the first thing to go is usually your libido, as it is one of the easiest things for the brain to back off from.

After all who wants that extra stress and pressure to "Perform", when it can take so much effort just to get out of bed someday's.

So it does not make any difference what the cause of PTSD was in the first place, libido can be effected from day one. For those who have sexual assault or rape as the cause, this can make it even more difficult to get back. putting pressure on those who suffer to perform can also have a lasting effect, as they can then feel guilty about not being able to perform.

The less pressure for a supporters, sometimes seemingly demanding needs to be met, can help get back some kind of intimacy. You just have to make the best of this when it does occur.

A relationship is built on much more than this though, so learning and excepting that this is how it is for now, and not putting any pressure on the sufferer, can and does do more good than questioning when will it get better all the time.

As for what do you do about it, there is nothing you can do except wait and be patient for them to hopefully regain some of it back, when there brain lets them and they feel relaxed enough to maybe, just maybe want to feel the closeness from someone special again.

Amethist

 

[ClairBear226]

Just to be clear, I'm the sufferer rather than a carer. I've been married for 14 years and with my hubby for 18. In the beginning of our relationship, the trauma was still fairly fresh. It had occurred 5 years before we met. It was definitely a challenge. We are both health care professionals, but have no more training in psych than any other nurse or paramedic. He was wonderful and patient, and I did my best to communicate what I needed (not something I'm particularly good at). Somehow, we made it work.

Nearly 20 years later, I still deal with PTSD rearing its ugly head from time to time. The more obvious symptoms, flashbacks, nightmares, depression etc. are cyclic. I go for long stretches now without dealing with them at all, then I'll end up triggered somehow, and something will bring them back into my life for awhile.

What has remained, though, is the lack of a sex drive. Even when things are good, it doesn't seem to be "normal". It's not like I have flashbacks during sex (I HAVE, but not in a long time), or have any sort of trust issue with my husband. I don't have any good reason that I can explain. It just isn't there.

My husband has always had a similar viewpoint as ISH. He's loving and supportive, and would never want me to feel like I was in a position where I felt like I "had" to do anything. But at the same time, 18 years is a long time to be patient.

 

[amethist]

There is no clear cut answers ClairBear.

There was no offence meant from my post, but this was from myself as a supporter, understanding as much how this effects a sufferer as I can.

Your husband seems to be very understanding and you are so blessed to have him by your side, loving you as he so obviously does. With or without intimacy.

My husband feels that he sometimes lets me down, but this is not all that our marriage is built on, to us it is the icing on the cake, as and when it does happen.

 

[ClairBear226]

None offense taken at all, Amethist. I just know this thread was originally started for carers, and I didn't want to be misunderstood.

I think I agree with your husband. Never in a million years would my hubby intentionally do or say anything to make me feel guilty. But I still feel like I'm letting him down.

 

[KP the nut]

I want to reply, I want to say so much, but ............. speechless again.

 

[Nicolette]

What has remained, though, is the lack of a sex drive. Even when things are good, it doesn't seem to be "normal". It's not like I have flashbacks during sex (I HAVE, but not in a long time), or have any sort of trust issue with my husband. I don't have any good reason that I can explain. It just isn't there.

ClairBear may I be direct and ask you two simple question which you are free to ignore?

1. How do you feel about yourself - is there shame, guilt, lack of self esteem? This can be a reason for lack of sex drive.
2. How do you feel about your husband - do you feel disconnected from him as you have been living a 'habit' of little sex for so long that it is just a habit versus a desire?

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Does anyone have any tips or stories for those of us whose traumas started so early, many of them being sexually-based traumas, that we have no idea what a sex drive is, what it feels like to want emotional, physical, sexual intimacy from anyone? Even the concept of attraction is extremely fuzzy, although I think I have more grounding on that than on anything else. It took me until a couple of years ago, but I think I can pretty accurately state to whom I am or could be attracted. However, the desire to initiate or welcome anything more is a complete mystery. According to my therapist this is all normal for someone with my long term abuse and neglect, but I still want to learn. It feels like I am missing a chip from the section called "What makes us human."

My frontal lobe (logic center) understands that humans and animals have a need for relationships and social engagement. Somehow my emotional center does not understand it. I can connect well with animals and kids on their level, but in so many ways I have never made it beyond the emotional stage of a 9 or 10 year old. In some ways I am still missing something essential that most 3 and 4 year olds have, the desire to be around others. The only kind of touch I can handle at all times is that of my furry service dog. If I am calm, playing with kids and the natural touch from them, is also ok.

Is there any hope for someone like me?

 

[KP the nut]

OMG, Nicolette, 2 questions, straight to the point. They made me think, thankyou.

Q1). Low self esteem, how can H love me, I am a blob. We hug all the time, but I don't feel I want to take it further. All urge has gone.

Froggie said

I do have sex urges so it is on a manual basis ... ohhhh the dirty word - masturbation .... Well, yes guys / gals, we need it.

I don't anymore :notworthy:

Q2) I love him with all my heart and soul. We know one another so well, we talk and are close.

Feeling like a failure

 

[Nicolette]

But I still feel like I'm letting him down.

Here in lies some of the answers to your struggle - if you feel like this before hand you may be likely to subconsciously think he wouldn't want you after you letting him down. This may be what is keeping you stuck?

 

[Nicolette]

Feeling like a failure

Ok KP time for me to point you back to something .... [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/therapy-has-ended-i-am-in-control.19374/#post-251480[/DLMURL]

You have just done amazingly well and your husband does love you. That is for him to decide and not you. Only you can change how you feel about you and I bet you many nights of sexual pleasure :inlove: if you can just see what we and your husband see in you. We all see a kind, beautiful soul who is so thoughtful.

If your weight bothers you - do something about it...geez I mean you just gained control of your life. Getting control will help you regain your strength over your looks if you so want. If not your husband loves you anyway. Beauty is only skin deep.... beautiful souls are beautiful all the way inside to the core! I know which one I would pick. Kilos can come and go but not a good person which you are.

Believe in yourself like you did with your therapy!