Letting go of Hurt

[Kubash16]

I don’t know how to write this post in a way that truly explains what’s going on in my brain. But here goes anyway.

I know letting go of things is by far my biggest issue right now. I still have messages from 2 1/2 years ago from my brother in law telling me what a piece of shit I am and that he knew of my stepdad hurting me and admitting to him hurting me himself. It’s not just his messages though, I keep everyone’s messages when they hurt me in even some small way.

Logically, I should just delete everything and move on right? So why does that feel so impossible? The very thought of deleting anything sends me into an actual panic with thoughts of that’s letting them get away with it, letting those words be true. It’s like if I let go, I’m also letting go of my identity-thats how deep it runs anyway.

Please don’t suggest DBT/radical acceptance. I get that that has helped a lot of people but it’s really not working for me right now, it makes these thoughts even worse.

 

[somerandomguy]

You don't have to let anything go.

Maybe you'll feel like you can in the future. But if even thinking about it right now is freaking you out, maybe that feeling is telling you that you can't and shouldn't let it go right now.

And by the way, it's completely and totally OK to NEVER let it go, too. Only you can decide that. Lots of people move on with their lives without letting anything go. It's a very personal choice.

 

[Tinyflame]

The very thought of deleting anything sends me into an actual panic with thoughts of that’s letting them get away with it, letting those words be true...]I’m also letting go of my identity

Just a thought, but we throw out junk mail or things that are not true, so maybe throwing it out (if or when ready to) is actually giving it less validity? Because it's not a reflection of your identity, in truth.

As an aside, it occurred to me I have gotten healthy enough to keep others good/ kind words, but I never re-read them (yet). But how often, how deep and scarring, the negative ones that come to mind.

So for myself only, I think I need to 'do' differently.

Hugs to you, and I am sorry for the hurt & pain his words cause. :( :hug:

 

[Friday]

thoughts of that’s letting them get away with it, letting those words be true.

This sounds like 2 very different things that have somehow merged together.

Keeping evidence that they said these things / proving what they said = a kind of truth. The kind you can prove. Because you kept the evidence of it.

But that doesn’t mean what they wrote IS true, nor that deletion would make it true, or extra true. No more than deleting penis enhancement adverts and entreaties from spammers will suddenly give you a tiny penis or make you the long lost cousin of Nigerian Royalty who needs to collect their millions, right?

If you want to keep the evidence without having an inbox full of hateful messages? You could either archive them, or open a seperate email account.

Dealing with the court system gave me half a hoarding complex for awhile. When you have to produce 3 kinds of evidence to prove even the most basic kinds of nonsense, like that you’re awake before mid afternoon (affidavit from the mailman you talk to most mornings, class receipts that start before 9am, phone logs that show calls and texts placed starting at 4-6am), it can very easily morph into the mindset of “the only truth that matters is the kind you can prove”. BUT that really only matters whilst in court. If I’m not taking someone to court? It doesn’t matter if I can prove what I know to be true. And when one is talking about proving things to friends??? :rolleyes: You can hand so called friends xrays and video, and STILL have them disbelieve. So, personally, I’ve quit attempting to prove things to friends // if I have to prove I’m not lying or exaggerating? You’re not my friend.

Meanwhile, If you have an abuse history? Deleting things can come perilously close to the feeling of forgive&forget / ignore&goback / dissociate&get through. Day in, and day out, knowing what’s coming but not leaving. Either because you can’t, won’t, or don’t. Erasing the bad essentially guaranteeing far more bad to come. If thats a piece in play, I’d question whether deleting WILL make you forget you’re angry and distrustful of person ABC for durn good reason, or if you’re “just” feeding into an old dynamic. Because you won’t forget, nor do you have to prove to anyone it’s happening, in order to keep your distance. If you will forget? Then, Cha. It’s a durn good reason to keep things around to remind you why you don’t have anything to do with this person. If you feel you need to prove your reasoning? I’d take a deep look at why, because you’re an adult who shouldn’t have to. But if it’s “just” old scripts coming into play? I’d start moving away from them, in meaningful ways. Not necessarily big ways, but ways that hit home.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, for me I like to try to remove everything negative, whether it be a visual reminder or otherwise. Not in denial, but because I want peace, love and calm in my life. And other than proof if necessary as @Friday said, I would rather have forgiveness/ get on with it (maybe I minimize?, but really, there is life ahead, makes it even worse if not). Which isn't right or wrong, just 'me'. You are already posting here, so you are exploring what's best for you. :hug:

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well, I have email dating back to 2005. It's there. I don't often read it, but I keep it because sometimes I need to know that I was the one being harmed and manipulated, and I need to see how vulnerable and emotionally unstable I really was. Sometimes, my mind wants to turn this around so that I am the only one at fault and that nothing untoward happened, that I imagined it all. I also need to see when I managed things healthfully and correctly, and I need to know that I was (am) a good person who always tries her best. That's helpful for a sagging sense of worth on not-so-good days.

I have journals too. I thought about deleting all of it - the emails and the journals, but stopped. I don't feel like I'm mentally and emotionally situated - just not sturdy enough in that regard. Sometimes, I find that I need perspective which only the past or my past state-of-mind can provide.

I don't know if that's helpful, but thought I'd put it out here just in case it might be. Hoping you find some peace about this. VB

 

[Survivor3]

I think you'll know deep inside when it's time to let go and/or deleting those messages may be a part of it. All I can say is that eventually letting go is a positive part of healing. I've still got some bad messages but others i deleted because keeping on reading them just keeps me in a 'victim' hurt frame of mind. Good luck to you and all the best . S3.

 

[Kubash16]

Deleting things can come perilously close to the feeling of forgive&forget / ignore&goback / dissociate&get through

This. This is what I feel. If I delete it’s ignoring the hurt and allowing there to be an opportunity to be hurt again. Or like I’m allowing them to get away with everything because I’m physically “forgetting it”. If it’s not right there in black and white then it can all be in my imagination right?

I’m kind of wondering if maybe some of my blockage here comes from not being seen/heard/believed as a kid and now it’s some complex of must be able to prove everything ever said to me. I definitely have the narrative of needing to hold onto proof.

 

[Survivor3]

This. This is what I feel. If I delete it’s ignoring the hurt and allowing there to be an opportunity to be hurt again. Or like I’m allowing them to get away with everything because I’m physically “forgetting it”. If it’s not right there in black and white then it can all be in my imagination right?

I’m kind of wondering if maybe some of my blockage here comes from not being seen/heard/believed as a kid and now it’s some complex of must be able to prove everything ever said to me. I definitely have the narrative of needing to hold onto proof.

I think your in danger of overthinking things. You don't have to have it in black and white and you don't need to constantly prove anything to anyone. You know the truth and I feel that by keeping those messages and keeping on reading them is a vicious cycle that you need to break out of. do yourself a favour and get rid of them. Your the only person being hurt by them.

 

[Ronin]

Sounds you were exposed to it enough you know it by heart, anyway...

I would focus less on the physical messages, more on the impact those words themselves have had on you. Ie. what that did to your beliefs about yourself, them, self concept, identity. The hurt there, because the hurt is not in whether you keep an email or a hundred of them, but the damage in your heart & mind.

 

[grit]

I would lsay this much and I am sorry if this is off way off. It is not hurt you are holding on it. It is revenge and rage against those that hurt you and you are for some reason (not visible to me but you may know) very hard on yourself to entertain revenge feelings and getting back at them and hurting them back as they did to you. I recommend this is a normal reaction especially for a child and a young person who is abused BUT having a feeling does not mean you are bad or should act on it. Allowing natural aggressive feelings toward those that hurt us is the path to healing. Swallowing those feelings in order to appear sane, good, angel or nice is what hurts us.
If you have a therapist, you can bring up the dark and deep reasons you want to hear these voices and the feeling they evoke and let it all out and wash it out with a trusted therapist or if you are strong and stable enough enough in your own meditation. Whatever works for you but you are yearning for retribution and this is all you get and it is eating you down slowly and lucky you, you are recognizing that and there are ways to release that tension safely and healing ways.

 

[Kubash16]

We didn’t get a chance to talk about this in yesterday’s session, but I’m bookmarking it to remember to bring it up next time.