Letting Go

[harmony of love]

Aloha,

I am still a novice at posting, but I am comfortable with this wonderful site. It has been so helpful over the course of my relationship. As much as I felt I was equipped to hang on for the roller coaster ride. My BF's mother told me last night that, he said, "He does not have a girlfriend, nor does he want one, nor does he want anything like couples soul mate crap." It broke my heart, especially because I felt it coming. The distance had carried on for over a week and it was the longest since our relationship began to sour. I felt helpless (trying to be stronger at the moment) actually I typed feel...then erased it to be in the past tense.

Thankfully, there is this wonderful event going on for over a week where I live and its to prevent violence towards women/girls through education and art. Tonight, was the first night and in the day time I went to a wonderful lecture on boundaries and setting yourself free. Just what the universe and creator ordered for me. There was a comedy act, cabaret performers, and a drumming session of Taiko players. To be sadly honest, it was the first night of fun I have had since this sickness took over.

I hope to bring on my dreams and take back my life, for sure I was swept into his sickness. Even if he does not ever want to be in my life, I am grateful for this release. It saddens me that I am not by his side, but he is not the man I fell in love with and that lecture truly facilitated that comprehension. Trust me, I would not still be hear searching and reaching out if it was that easy to just break free. There is still that lurking part of me that would rather have him right next to me, but that is controlling! I want him healthy and if that means without me so be it and if that means we may never be again so be it. For I want and desire a love that is a life giving force. I hope to begin a relationship with friends here. I do not know what the future has in store, but I just want to be healthier again...for I believe I lost myself for a while, which made it even foggier and harder to see the reality of my life choices.

Mahalo nui loa, Thank you very much:hello:

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Harmony of Love,

You are growing and understanding so much. I believe what you say about wanting him and you to be whole and well with or without each other. Right now, it may be "head knowledge" and at times, the "heart" may long for him. It's natural. You loved (and I believe, still do love your bf).

I'm glad you're continuing to come here to this site for help, encouragement and support as you work through your emotions.

:Hug_emoticon: Beth

 

[amethist]

Hi Harmony

I can feel the heart break in your post, stay here with us and heal yourself properly.

Then one day you be able to look back and see how you have grown with this experience.

Enjoy the celebrations with your friends, and what ever you do, do not feel guilty for having fun.

Take care and stay in touch with us. If we can help you more we will.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm sorry that things haven't worked out well for you in your relationship. It may not have been the *right* one, or the timing may have been wrong. Whatever it was/is, the main thing is that you realize, that you have the right to a healthy, happy relationship, and are seeking ways to let go of the past.

It will be hard, but it can be done.........I hope that you ex, can find it in his heart to realize that someday, he too, can achieve, and obtain the same, with work, and commitment.......

 

[Clarity99]

Harmony,

I know its difficult but congratulations on making the best decision - for you. You deserve better and you should make yourself a priority by following your own dreams and goals. A relationship isn't healthy enough if we lose ourselves in it. As much as we want to save our loved ones, its just not possible, only they can choose to help themselves. It could happen next month, next year or never, but we can't wait around and put our own lives on hold. Setting boundaries is a good thing. (Gosh, I should listen to my own advice! haha)

Hugs from the other side of the Pacific (I'm in California). :Hug_emoticon:

 

[suzie q]

Just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience on this forum! :Hug_emoticon:

I absolutely love to be uplifted by people like you who are growing and finding their balance and harmony in life. You deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone who wants to be happy for you and with you! You go girl and keep up the fight. You are absolutely worth it!

I wanted to also state that you touched my heart by wanting to understand his condition and be uplifting and helpful. I know it takes a lot of patience to love someone with PTSD. Thanks for the unselfish effort and time. Snap, Snap...he's the one missing out!!

 

[Nicolette]

I do not know what the future has in store, but I just want to be healthier again...for I believe I lost myself for a while

Welcome to the forum Harmony Of Love and I wish you all the strength you need to find yourself again as that is very important. Well done for being so open, honest and brave.

 

[pebbels]

You go girl, be proud of yourself. I feel your pain but also hear a sigh of relief that you now have closure and can move on as painful as that is but as you say for a healthier YOU:smile:

Your honesty and compassion is admirable:clap:

Take care and all the best:Hug_emoticon:


Pebs

 

[harmony of love]

letting go, might not be as planned

Thank you all!

Beth, you are more than right as I do love my BF dearly. My emotions seem to be walking me, at times. Like when you see a dog who is clearly a lot stronger than their owner/walker you wonder who is walking who here? I can feel like that too sometimes, when I had to tell myself stop crying or just to gain composure because I was too nutty in my thinking.

Amethist, I appreciate your genuine support of healing. I am so grateful to have found this wonderful fellowship of compassion. My heart feels warmed at a time of cold surroundings. Even though I live in Hawai`i the winter is brewing all around my relationship.

Clarity, perhaps we are similar than expected for here I am wanting to not let go and hoping to stay! I did create new dreams Saturday night and it felt awesome. Thinking about myself and enjoying times with friends. Got wicked caught up in Guitar Hero! I do not own a TV so it would be hard for me to have fun at my place with such games.

Suzie, by far your snap snap is still tickling a big smile in my heart. Then it goes heck, I want to share my love with him, bummer. This roller coaster ride is truly up and down. I love carnivals though, so maybe I am built to hang on and with honor.

Nicolette and Pebbles, the honesty is easy for me because as my sufferer, filters are hard to come by for us. I speak from my heart, or as they say where it on my sleeve. Plus, this site makes it a breeze as well. The welcoming shoulders and spirited responses creates a tender union of comfort.

So, to bring us all up to date. His mother contacted me on Sunday asking if we could speak, for she needed to vent. We met on the corner, I tried to not think what it was about. It was not about her son and we moved the party talk to a pub to watch football. We both do not drink, but love to watch games. We had an amazing day and evening. Discussing our hearts and dreams, filled with the occasional annoyance of drunken men.

I expressed to her that if her son came to my home at night, I do not think I would turn him away. I would not kiss him either...then I quickly corrected myself and said wellll, I am going to try not to kiss him, because boy do I want to! She laughed and said, I like that...I know what you mean if my ex-husband came walking in this door I would kiss him right away!

We left the pub around 8 kept talking on the corner till after 9. She is wonderful and I adore her. She would just tell me to follow my heart. That is all you can do, take care of yourself and stay true.

I went home feeling good and spirited. Put on some New York music and began to get ready for work the next day. As I cleaned, I heard the click of my gate. Instantly, I thought enough of the crazy head, he's not here you are just hearing things. In my heart, I knew it was him! He then knocked on my window, but I could not see and said just that while I cut out the light. I walked to the door and still could not see him.

I knew it was him and I said ........(his name) and he said softly yes. He looked so nervous. It had been about 2 weeks and my heart was racing!! He smiled and just kept looking nervous with his eyes real big. He said what you doing as he shuffled his feet. I just looked at him with amazement and said nothing what u doing....then I said tenderly with a smile....its weird to see you. He responded with a jokingly, I am not dead, I am right here. I paused and smiled...he shut the gate and he looked more nervous as if he was afraid of how I would address him. I asked if he would like to come in.

Now we had gotten into this pattern of him sleeping over, so I was not shocked that he wanted to spend the night. Just baffled that here he was... He put his lunch in the fridge, which sealed the deal of him staying over for me. We spoke about the Yankees winning the series, basketball, and joked about a few things. It was like old times. He brought up Texas and he shared stories of coworkers and base. I have not heard about those parts of his life for a while. It was refreshing to speak with him calmly, like old times. I was very strong...kept focus on my tasks. I did not drop everything for him. I was proud of myself too.

He laid down and I took a shower, by the time I returned he was asleep and looking ooooooh so cute. I took off his socks and pants. Thats it! Promise, nothing more it was just to ease his sleep environment. I laid next to him and reached for his shoulder to feel our distance. I did not want to cuddle for I am trying to be strong. I touched him one more time as a goodnight, because I always want to kiss him goodnight, but that would not be in check with my boundaries. I could feel his energy all night. I thought about him so much, wondering about our positions and if he was awake at certain times.

I had work earlier than he, so before I left I touched his sleeping head softly...as it would have been a kiss. My, my, my...I am still uncertain as time has drifted.

My family and friends are disappointed in me. They all had the exact same reaction...did he tell you why, did you ask him why he could treat you like that, why did you let him in, why did you take him back? It was rather frustrating. Our PTSD chat room helped a great deal, which is why I have not reposted. The direct connection was wonderful. I hope to have more support here and it is truly welcomed and appreciated.

I have not heard from him since that night. I am also trying to stick to my plan, keeping a low profile in regards to communication. I have not contacted him at all, it feels a little cold, but I am trying to be respectful. Some sufferers said it can feel like a demand when you are being imed or phoned. That is not my intention, by far the opposite of my actions. I call, im, or write because I love him and want to send that emotion to his heart or make him giggle. So that being typed and understood it solidifies my not contacting him is also loving. Giving himself and myself space is healthy. I will admit that everything in my heart shot up to the stars when I felt his prescence. Gollllllly, do I love this man.

Tonight, I am going out again to spend time with my girlfirends. It should be amazing. This girlfest lasts up until the 14th so its perfect timing to keep me busy. Also, I leave for NY on December 10th for a long trip home. Its exactly what I need. To be around my family, cold fun weather, NYC, and food that I crave daily! I moved to Hawaii 3 years ago on a dream journey. He is my first boyfriend since moving here, I am a quality not quantity lady. Thank you all for being a part of my life and I hope to stay in touch with all of you. This is just the beginning! Have a soothing night.

Aloha:hello:

 

[ebell83]

Your story is very similar to what I experienced with my husband while we were dating. When we first met, he had just returned from overseas and was adjusting to being back at home.

We broke up and got back together several times over a couple of years before we each realized that, despite everything that could possibly happen, we always came back to each other to regroup and find love and support.

I know how you feel about not wanting to pressure him into explaining why he acts the way he does, or pressure him into committing more into the relationship. I did the same thing and my husband appreciated me more for it. Now he can tell me that the reason he came back to me was because I made him feel safe with no expectations or pressure.

It is not easy. Expect a lot of breakups and hurt misunderstandings. But, you will learn to have your own life and wish him well. You will learn that the strongest friend you can be is one that wants what is best for him, with or without you. It was after this lesson that my husband realized how much I really did love him, that it was more than just a romantic affection.

No one can have the same results, even with the same circumstances, but I felt that I could tell you how our story turned out. Hopefully this will encourage you to stay on the roller coaster. Good luck, and I hope you both find the love and peace that leads to healing.

 

[harmony of love]

Ebell,

Thank you for writing me, especially during such a vulnerable stage. Honest, I truly appreciate your supportive messages. I posted another part of my story under "Letting go, morphed into hanging on" in the Carers section. Last night, I wanted to share my love with him. I searched for help, peace, and guidance in regards to upholding boundaries and space. In the end I am still unsure which is right. I did not send him the lovey dovey messages that kept running through my head. Instead, I tried to remember what other sufferers have expressed. Short and simple, too much is way too much stimulation.

The message I wanted to convey resembles yours to a T. That even though the romance may not be present, or as you put it "I really did love him, that is was more than just a romantic affection" So I tried to do my best.

I wrote him an email: the subject was While your sleep:

The body: and i feel you trembling or jump during the night i try to console you with my touch. sade, sings it best "when you're cold, i'll be there hold you tight to me"

He did not respond back, I thought of him all night. Actually, dreamed he came to my home and we shared kisses and embraces. I truly felt his presence, surreal dreams of him created sadness when I awoke. I began the day early and did some shopping. I began to look for a card to write him for when I leave for NY. I picked up many love cards and felt like they would be too much for him. I went to many shops and the last one I searched for felt heavy. I saw this man who kept my attention. Here I am looking for cards for my love and this weird feeling is itching me about these two men. Particularly, one with a purple shirt one. Three times in the supermarket does this feeling take over me. As I leave the store, here he was again...staring back at me. I was wearing my loves Navy sweatpants and thought about that for a moment. As I returned to my truck, I now see the other man walking out and staring at me too, except he is smiling at me with a kind of heeeeey! I pass on by and begin to stop for the road...at the same time I see my loves car and also notice a mother on a bike with her child perpendicular to me. I stop somewhat short for her, and hooonnnk my boyfriend startled me. I am not sure if he knew that I saw him, I do not believe he did and he wanted to scare me. As I turned to my left, there was the man in the purple shirt. In my spirit, it made total sense. That is why they kept my attention because my boyfriend was waiting for them in the car outside. Of course he did not want to go inside the supermarket, his ptsd makes it too much for him.

I felt sad, he just laughed at me real big and drove off. It was such a relief to come home and read your story. I do not know what the future holds, but feel in my heart that its hecka worth it to stay aboard this roller coaster ride. I love him dearly and hope I am doing the right thing by following my heart.

Love can be hard and so can life. Ebell, you have made a big difference in my day. I would love to keep talking with you, either here or chat room if you ever partake.

Mahalo nui loa, Thank you very much