Lighting The Metaphorical Match

[Seagreen]

For years now I've fantasized about selling everything we own, putting the kids in the car and driving up the coast until we find somewhere nice to live. A place where nobody knows our past, where we can start again from scratch without burden or fear.

I want to leave to escape my ex husband who constantly threatens me and our kids. I can not deal with it anymore, if it weren't for my children I would probably take the easy way out. Life is just about surviving day by day. But I want us all to be free of him and for us to heal and move on with our lives. I hate that we live in a small town and that so many people seem to know about our past. I keep my head down.

I don't care about money or things, they only weigh me down. I know it is immature and unrealistic, but just thinking about it is the only thing that keeps me going. The only dreams I have which aren't nightmares are about us all living in a caravan by the sea. I know that there is no magic postcard town where the neighbours are nice, the surf is up and the weather is warm all year round. But it couldn't be any worse than they way things already are.

A few months ago I asked SO if we could sell everything and just go. He didn't look up from his computer screen and said in a few years we could start thinking about it. He doesn't get it. I need to leave right now. I don't expect him to understand and I don't expect him disrupt his happily packaged life just for me. He is content with a mundane routine but I resent it. I know that in reality I am being ridiculous, selfish even. I just want to live and be free and for my children to do the same.

I guess this is just a rant or maybe I'm hoping for a good hard slap of reality so that I can 'sober up' and move on. Yet I cant help but wonder if anyone else has started again from scratch and if it worked out for them? Or did it just cause more pain and disarray?

 

[Toria]

I'm a Supporter rather than a Sufferer so I hope you don't mind me chipping in... I'd hazard a guess that you are voicing a lot of people's inner dream! We (Husband and I) always talk about the Winnebago that we're going to buy (yeah right!) and leave the world behind...

On a serious note - yes - I tried it. We sold our house (eventually) and tried to move - the house with land that I'd set my heart on fell through but we did find somewhere that I truly believe we were supposed to be. It's a tiny house and it has its problems but it's peaceful and quiet and we do have good neighbours - no surf and certainly not a lot of sun at the moment :roflmao:. It took 2 years of upheaval and heart-ache though.

That said - we have no children. If your partner has said that it could be possible in a few years then why not start to make plans? Buy a journal and start to write down your plans and ideas, research areas etc etc - that way your dream stays alive and you have a goal to aim for.

 

[digger]

But I cant help but wonder if anyone else has started again from scratch and if it worked out for them?

A few times yes, but as to whether it worked out, that's harder to answer. I think sometimes I did it because I desperately wanted to reinvent myself and my life, but at the end of the day while you can physically leave people and places somewhere else, there are things you can't avoid taking with you - for me, I could never outrun myself.

One time I did a Marie Celeste on my bedsit and left the country with a guy I hardly knew really. He ended up being the father of my child, and it ended up being an abusive relationship.

When I left him, for a while, I stayed where I was (geographically) but that (I thought) was what made it easy for him to continue the abuse. I moved 250 miles away to a place where I knew no one and no one knew me. It solved nothing. It didn't stop him and left me even more isolated than before. Although eventually, after moving again, I was able to make a new life for myself that at least didn't involve mutual friends.

I have moved again since then but not very far. There have been pros and cons. I have ended up very isolated again as a consequence but in other ways it is a better place for me to be. I think it's finally sunk in though that it's me that I need to work on most and moving won't do that for me. Hence why I'm finally in therapy.

There are pros and cons to people knowing where you've come from I think. It's nice to know that people are basing their opinions of you solely on what they see and know of you themselves, but when the shit hits the fan, when your past catches up with you and goes BANG! It can be hard for people to understand that because it's not a part of you they knew.....that's been my experience anyway. When my past came up and slapped me in the face again four years ago, I had no one to turn to with it, because no one knew and I couldn't explain.

 

[digger]

I want to leave to escape my ex husband who constantly threatens me and our kids. I can not deal with it anymore, if it weren't for my children I would probably take the easy way out. Life is just about surviving day by day. But I want us all to be free of him and for us to heal and move on with our lives.

I don't know your situation, but moving, while it might make things less frequent or regular, doesn't mean he will be out of your lives if the courts are involved. If he has no legal right to contact though, I imagine it would make a huge difference.

 

[scout86]

Yet I cant help but wonder if anyone else has started again from scratch and if it worked out for them? Or did it just cause more pain and disarray?

Yes, several times. Only once to get away from an ex. Well, I guess you could say the very first time was to "escape" my biological family..

It's worked out fine. I've never regretted a move. "Starting over" has never been a problem.

But, I only have myself and the critters to think about. That's a real difference.

Also, I realize that "who I am" comes with me. Part of my deal has been a journey to BE more "who I am" more of the time. The advantage of starting over is you can take another shot at that and not worry about being what people expect you to be. I like that. Maybe some day, before I'm dead, I'll get it "right".

I also like adventure. I like learning. I like "different". Not everyone does. Your SO sounds like he's not into that kind of thing & he''l probably keep answering the question the same way, until he's in the ground. You might need to make a hard choice with regard to him. If you really want to move.

One of my clients told me, not long ago, that a move affects your finances as much as a bankruptcy does. Not in a legal sense, but in a practical one. Could explain why I live so close to the poverty line.....

I'm just here to say that it can be done and it can work out just fine. You should try to be clear about what you're looking to solve with the move, though. Geography can solve some things, but not all things.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I've moved so many times to get away from my problems, usually involving a ruined relationship. But everywhere I go, there I am. This latest move, however, is a great one. I did it to save money, but also I lucked out and found a place by the beach! I'm trying to hide from an abusive ex and am happy to report that I learned just the other day that he is now living in Panama City Florida (watch out Flirida-another crazy one). It was such a relief to know he's moved on and probably won't come back since his mother died and he can't mooch off her anymore.
I once bought a one way ticket to London and bummed around Europe for 9 months. I still ended up being the same anxious, hyper vigilant hot mess.
I have been warmly welcomed in my new place and since I isolate myself, this time I really am going to try to make friends. Don't put money on that though!!

 

[darrenS]

i have moved many times both domestically and internationally , as much as we all like to escape somewhere better, you have to realize one thing , its lonely , its extremely difficult and if you go where you know no one , sure you will escape and no one will know your past and it can be very liberating and allow you to make some serious changes. But after a time you will find problems there as well , they may not be the same as your running from, but they will be problems none the less and will require attention.

The fact that you may not know anyone , is something you have to be a lot more aware of, loneliness can stifling and coupled with a serious move and children , your stress will go through the roof , it may not first up, but once the honeymoon period declines, many things can come to the fore.

If your planning to move away from your husband, i would suggest you do it in stages , firstly make a move , but enough so that your not completely isolated and then plan your next steps. i can relate to what Solara has stated and have done some pretty crazy things but you cannot run from you and any change if not handled correctly and planned will only offer a short reprieve.

One thing i have noticed about moving and making friends , if you move with good plans and some sort of basic stability , when you start making friends , if you plan it right , you will find good friends. If you move on a whim , make yourself isolated and vulnerable , you may attract predators and questionable people. They seem to be able to smell us out when we are at our weakest, it may sound a bit crazy but just beware.

 

[Friday]

Been there, done this.

In a couple different ways... Homeless, Recreationally Homeless (I have the money, but am choosing to sleep rough), On The Road version 1 (living in my car & camping), Without Perm Address (generally hotels, sometimes flats or other short term rentals), On The Road version 2 (caravan or boat... Aka vehicle designed for living aboard... I rate this above hotels & flats cause I can schlep more stuff / is actually a permanent address aka it's "my" place), This Looks Posh (living at seasonal addresses, ironically, cheaper than living in one place full time... At least the way I did it)... Along wih brief stints of "f*ckitol" where I'd take off for a few weeks or months, but with the general intention of returning.

As well as true "moving". Point A to Point B.

They've all worked in various ways. It depends on what I want my end result to be. Planning is pretty crucial with all of them. Homeless on the beach in Florida is vastly different than homeless in New York in winter, know what I mean?

 

[Lukie]

Can't speak from an experience doing this, but I share your fantasy @Seagreen. Getting up one day, taking my little girl with me and leaving. Not tell anyone I'm going, just go. Some days its enough to remind myself that I have this power over my own life.

 

[Seagreen]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I've take so much from your stories.

 

[Seagreen]

The advantage of starting over is you can take another shot at that and not worry about being what people expect you to be. I like that.

Yes this is what I want!