Lingual Patterns And Tactics

[Deleted member 24866]

Yesterday (thank God for the internet confirmation - its not just me) I stumbled on the term "hedging". A term to describe a lingual practice of in part back stabbing cowards who gossip and are kind to your face. They use the information with their friends to joke in a non direct manner, so as to not actually have to take responsibility for their actions, make you look paranoid, etc., or to have (the original intent) a coded conversation in a public space. Seems this was / is perhaps a tactic employed primarily by men as suggested (per article) via looking at lingual patterns and their evolution - in the article I read. Looking back it is not specifically men who do it and kids also employ this tactic frequently to get away with things they should not be doing.

Understanding my past > my mother never allowed socialization and threw me out at 16 and I dropped out to work to support a felon who provided housing under his name, in other words I do not feel I developed common social knowledge and ability to sense or trust my instincts with these cues.

Couple of questions as in hindsight I realize I should have trusted the red flags vs. the lies to my face which contributed to my being further exploited. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. First question any ideas in managing a scenario such as above other than talk to no one and anger management.

Second, what other games do people play. In the realm of observations I have caught onto men using tactics such as white knights, wing men, Off the top of my head I can not think of more.

Have looked into the tendencies of people who gaslight, mob, and general bullying. (overall I feel on top of things and that this is a manageable problem mainly by being very selective with who you open up to and that after given time and observation of people in different settings to know more about who they are.

Over all I am happy now to do some time with observation, meditation, and not taking things at face value trusting my instincts far more. If you have links on more information or wish to share any experiences you may have had it would certainly benefit me also. God bless and hope this finds you well.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Like you I wasn't socialized normally enough to learn such reindeer games, and maybe don't have the most coherent advice. That said, I've found that being honest with people and treating them in good faith quickly exposes the ones who are wrestling with their own mind in such ways and they scurry away and disappear if you keep acting in good faith back. Not a head game, just noticing that their behaviors are self-contradictory. If someone actually wants to be nice and you're nice back it doesn't take too long to determine that they're legit. In my experience people who use these techniques have a harder time thinking straight and are easily confused.

Cowardly is right. I only really gel with people who actually are spending the majority of their time choosing to engage with others in positive ways towards positive outcomes. People are free to waste their time messing with me. That said, the truly psychopathic version is a lot harder to spot. Look for people who don't act at all the same one on one as in a group and like to use lots of wishy washy statements that don't assert anything.

Surprised any article says this is more a male thing. Not been my experience.

 

[Friday]

The study of human behavior & social interaction... Is huge. Which I gather is essentially what you're asking?

One thing to keep in mind is that no matter how normal a behavior is in most people? Abusers and assholes twist it.

So... Coming to someone's aid? That can be a normal behavior. Most people do it to some degree or another, depending on the circumstance. Then there are people for whom it's a fairly core personality trait. Whether it's professional (doctors, police, psychologists... Just to name a few jobs that attract a lot of people who are actively seeking to help people for a living in different ways), or personal (platonic -will give you the shirt off his back- or romantic -knights in shining armor-). Then there are people who nudge into the pathological about it, it's not just a personality trait, it's hero driving force. It can serve them well or badly (be a valued part of their life & character, or be something they struggle against as it hurts them in their lives), and can serve the people around them well or badly (essentially, whether or not someone is an asshole, which is different than a predator or abuser). And then you have abusers & predators who use it as a tactic against people.

So pretty much any behavior? On its own it doesn't really mean much. There will be a wide spectrum of people who possess it / use it in different ways / in different levels in their lives. It's only taken in the whole picture that things sort of slot into where they belong on several different spectrums... And you get kind of an idea of who a person is.

***

The solution, in my experience, is to spend MORE time around more people, not less.

 

[Ed Norton]

I had to look it up but it seems that hedging is actually an important part of communication. I'm not quite sure what you mean. Can you give an example?

Edit: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedge_(linguistics)

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I want to vent a bit further simply in the nature of this particular society that judges flat out on appearances and seems particularly sexist. I can't tell you how many women- hate women and themselves here (but yet do not recognize the games men play) And men because you see what they are doing or see through it and deem you a threat will try to cut you down being female. I am not a hideous person and am in very good shape. (and even if I wasn't it should never be the reason to attack someone based on appearances or differences). I am resourceful and intelligent and at this point pretty self sufficient. I have to be, because I guess I can be a bitch by actually wanting people at work, ..to work and do their job. Ok.. I can be a bitch. True story. I don't follow people around and nag, but I do not like to be taken for granted and do both front and back of house.. the work of 6 or 7. I wear make up, and I like my make up, my employer compliments me, and women.. but this is where a certain idiot likes to take his little jabs. Insinuating I am wearing a mask, ugly, or a slut.. of course I refrain from telling him the truth about his acne pizza face, and am always polite. But seeing his games- I just have to breath through it. Worse yet is seeing my brother use the hedging technique insinuating I am a slut to a friend. (I refused to stay in abusive relationship that I have vented about prior on here.. so I guess that makes me a slut in his world. Having escaped traffickers at 15.. its a sore spot you know. And the rape issues being left for dead and all. Some people don't want to know the truth and thrive on standing on top of someone else. Letting the bitch vent- - wish they had some actual worthy conversation or life. Letting it go, thanks for the rant space. Hate being the nights entertainment. :/ I was a 4.0 student.. all they care about is my makeup.. or making judgments about my sexuality in ignorance.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I had to look it up but it seems that hedging is actually an important part of communication. I'm not quite sure what you mean. Can you give an example?

Edit: Link Removed

The example in the second rant for instance of my brother having a side conversation with his friend while we were down stairs having a smoke. I can't remember the specifics I look for patterns vs. an isolated statement. Several back to back that could be taken two ways. Off the top of my head, I can recall only one so will try to think a minute.. there were several. Like double intandra speech.. and the snide giggles as though you don't know what they are saying. Evidence to me of one his gossip, two his lack of understanding, and three his personality. bummer.

 

[shimmerz]

The solution, in my experience, is to spend MORE time around more people, not less.

For myself, I find this to be a double bind. When one does not realize communication styles, know what red flags to look for (because they were raised with red flag behaviour being a normal type of communication in their family of origin), then navigating and learning what to trust, who to trust, almost seems like a game of Mortal Kombat. This is just my experience, and I have heard this advice more than once. I just can't seem to make it fit.

They use the information with their friends to joke in a non direct manner, so as to not actually have to take responsibility for their actions, make you look paranoid, etc.

I am very familiar with this tactic. No idea why people don't have better things to do or what makes these types tick. I hopefully never will. The challenge is in seeing it before one is trapped in it.

 

[Ed Norton]

Sometimes such actions are the result of projection of personal insecurities upon another person. To the extent possible; it is generally best ignored.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

It is interesting and stepping outside myself and personal feelings, realizing some people are just "assholes" or ignorant. I guess its a place of healing acknowledging, looking back in the relationship for instance where he constantly attacked my ability to comprehend and claiming I was insane.. but seeing the immense liar he proved to be. Just makes me trust those red flags and instincts more despite the ability to communicate it with correct terminology. You know you consider stepping into the game, but realize it would only fuel the fire. You hope those who hear it can perceive the character of the person, but some desperate for acceptance get into it also to take the focus again off themselves. Again trying to realize the motivation, also seeing it is not just me as they also attack those with disabilities, and minorities. I am sure given time.. their actions will be revealed. My job = my life and ability to provide for myself. So I hate it at work. There have been a lot of sexual harassment issues at this place, confronting it head on was a battle and some change in employment has made it better. But it is easy to see why some continues when the owner who I have spoken directly to in the past.. still does stupid things including in the realm of touch. I have warned him. Alas.. I need a vehicle that is not a jalopy and need the job to qualify for a loan (over a year at a place) and it seems like a problem that so saturates places you can not really run from it. Soon enough I can move on. I know some places do not tolerate the crap I have to deal with. This also.. having confronted head on some of the issues I feel is why I am also targeted like this. Ce la vie.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Sometimes such actions are the result of projection of personal insecurities upon another person. To the extent possible; it is generally best ignored.

I think you are correct. Time seems to prove and weed people out. Just a small suburban town , with a small suburban mentality.

 

[Ed Norton]

The touching by the owner is highly innapropriate. It seems that he's fostering a hostile environment for work. I think that it's prudent to document this and gather concrete evidence then, if applicable, submit a report to the local EEOC. It sounds like sexual harassment and it is against the law under Title VII.

I would look here first though to see if it meets the standards.

http://eeoc.gov/

Edit: Title VII not IV

 

[LuckyDuck]

Socializing is a mental game in itself. It's not easy to navigate. There is always something new. What you are describing, everybody does. Including women.

Hypervigilance is often an issue when trying to socialize. "What does that mean?" and "Was that directed at me?" can often prevent a good friendship from happening. Guards need not be lowered, but a more manageable grain of salt might do the trick.

LD