Sexual Assault Lionheart's Story

[Hlost]

((((((((((((((prayers and healing for Lionheart's daughter))))))))))))))))))))

Lionheart, all I can say as the mother of a child that more than likely was abused by my abuser, is try to separate the abuses and be the loving, caring father you are to her. Check in with your tdoc and stay close. Rage is a natural reaction, this whole thing is sickening, and horrifying. Let your daughter know she did NOTHING to deserve this and that you there to help and love her in anyway she needs you to.

I don't have a whole lot of advice but I have compassion and hold you both in my thoughts and prayers,
Rain

 

[Lionheart]

Thank you for the encouragement, thoughts, and prayers!!! (((((Hugs))))

My daughter seems to be dealing with this in a healthy manner and is already in therapy for PTSD. I let her know she did nothing wrong to deserve this, ...she said, "I know, he's sick!" I am quiet proud of her.

Right now, I am still full of rage and anger, but I will get through it.

 

[Mercy]

It sounds like you are on the right track:rolleyes:. Of course, you are angry and:mad: rageful..... Proud is good too.:thumbsup:

I remember telling my husband, when our oldest was becoming a teenager, to keep letting her be near him. She may still want to snuggle up and watch TV, let her.:hug: In other words let her know silently in little ways that you totally accept her and will not push her away. If she will be comfortable with them, a few more hugs might be good. They let her know she doesn't need to be ashamed of anything including her body.

 

[Lionheart]

Thank you Mercy :),

I try in every way that I can to show her she is loved unconditionally. She knows I am here to support her and that she is loved. My sister is also a source of encouragement and support for her which helps immensely. My daughter is out tonight with her bf, she has a healthy relationship with him and I am happy for her.

 

[Lionheart]

I used to have great faith before I was traumatized, then afterwards, I thought God hated me and had turned his back on me :(...today, after years of soul-searching, I have finally found a set of religious and spiritual practices that work for me. I am thrilled to be more fully on a spiritual path again. :dance:

I hope that this represents some growth on my part; I have worked very hard to define my own set of beliefs, practices, customs, etc and although they are very eclectic and follow more than one spiritual path, it contains the basic elements of what I believed when I was a child before I was traumatized.

I feel like I have come full circle and grown as a spiritual person and that makes me feel really good,:) so I wanted to share about it here.

Healing hugs to all,
LH

 

[Poppy1224]

Lionheart,
I feel like I've been lost in that all too familiar tornado we all find ourselves in for months now...flashbacks, intense disassociation, anger management issues, all of it... how did you find the strength to get a hold of your life? I'm struggling with that right now, I have no energy left to push memories from my mind, I just live them multiple times a day, and I'm so tired. How did you turn things around, how did you find that courage to move past those atrocities and take your life back? I have no idea.

 

[Lionheart]

Poppy,

I understood that I was in a literal fight for my life, so I went to therapy with a notebook and a pen and I wrote down every little thing I could, every detail of the abuses I had suffered, and I read them over and over aloud to my "t"....even though I didn't think it would help. I practiced positive self talk, affirmations etc and visualized who I wanted to become instead of who I was taught that I was. I took my medications and I went to therapy sessions faithfully, twice a week for many years, even when I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I read every bit of information about sexual abuse, addiction, PTSD etc. etc. that I could get my hands on and I explored alternative spiritual paths during the process. I had several hospitalizations for suicidal ideation and while I was there I talked to a trauma expert who helped me sort out the sexual orientation, preference, and identity issues.

These things helped me to stop 'feeding the disease of abuse', so that I could stop reliving the original abuses. The flashbacks got to be less and less and the depression lifted.

I was on a high dose of antidepressants (1000 mg) for several years as well as the drug abilify to help with the irritability and aggression, and a drug called Prazosin to stop the nightmares and allow me to sleep. I overcame an addiction to sexual acting out and an addiction to alcohol. My life slowly, day-by-day had begun to change and the little changes added up until there were finally some major changes take place.

I don't know where the courage came from because I was very afraid of my pain and my anger, but in the end the emotions did not kill me, I relived the abuses on an emotional and psychological level and they just got better over time. But make no mistake, I have had 14 years of therapy now and it has taken all of it to get to where I am at today. I had a lot of abuse issues, my case was considered severe and it was expected that it would take 10 years for me to get through the worst of it.

I wish I could say it was quick and easy and that I was never afraid, but the truth was it was scary, intense, and difficult work that took lots of time. I think the courage came from knowing that the disease of sexual abuse was going to kill me if I didn't get a handle on it.

I'm rambling so I'm gonna stop now, but if you have anymore questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

[Poppy1224]

Lionheart,
I really appreciate your response. I'm beginning to understand how this has literally become a fight for survival for me. I don't know how to walk on the sidewalk, drive in my car, go to work, as a woman, around these men. I don't know how to do it anymore. The memories multiply exponentially when you don't have anyone or any normal experience to compare them to.

I look forward to a day when these things don't ruin and rule my day. But, as you said, I know this will kill me if I don't get a handle on it... I have one semester left of college, I want to move back to Cairo and finish what I started working towards in January, I have real ideas for the rest of my life, I fear I've lost faith in them.. I'm going to a "resiliency" group tomorrow, which I think will be great, just to be around people who simply understand what I'm saying will be great.

Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your stories, and for sharing what it took for you to get out of it. I can absolutely relate, I am infinitely relieved to know that this is possible to survive, because i'll be honest, it's really hard to know sometimes. So thank you.

 

[Lionheart]

Yeah, it is difficult to believe and to remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, especially when we are in the darkness of that "tunnel', but believe me, with time and dedication to healing you too can heal and can look forward to a time when things will be better and you will be happier. :)

How did the resiliency group go for you? I hope you found it helpful. Just remember the changes may seem small and insignificant, but they will add up to a lot of healing, given time.

Wishing you the best,
Lionheart

 

[itsaprocess]

You Have Won. You beat your abusers because you took your life back and gave up drinking.

So true - you have won. And you will continue to win in regards to your daughter. She can get the help she needs now rather than having to go through years of silent suffering.

I am likewise in recovery for alcoholism, plus also in recovery for and eating disorder and prescription pain pills. As I have been peeling back the many layers over the years I am no longer labeling myself. When the memories of the sexual abuse surfaced, I realized that all of those addictions were a direct result of the trauma.

I am gratefully sober. Also racked with fear, anxiety, flashbacks, etc. But the current labels that I use are SURVIVOR and THRIVER.

You are very brave and an inspiration to others.

 

[Lionheart]

Congratulations for being in recovery and thank you for your reply to my post. *(Survivor and thriver are very good terms to use). :)

 

[Mercy]

I'm sending you cyber thank yous for all you have given me.

the Respect for your journey,
your Courage to face the truth,
your Strength to win over alcohol,
your love for your daughter,
your wisdom to know what to say here.
your deep Compasion learned by suffering.